new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_1643]

warm welcome chantelle!

i love seeing you on the forums and also love and am learning and so grateful for how welcoming everyone is .... i hope u feel comfortable here to share! we're listening and like Em said, we can definitely relate. Concentration is something I struggle witha lot - so many triggers. I concentrate best not in my house - and am one to go to cafes, parks, and at times to hospital, to get some time out to think on things.

I'm glad to read you are doing well EM and J you are so non-judgemental, cool and warm to everyone here - thank u

Blues I loved your shout outs so much - thank u as well x

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Thanks, Sleepy. 🙂

[Guest_4643]

just wanted to quickly say hi

[Guest_1643]

anytime 🙂 sending warm vibes to all tonight

Em hope ur going from strength to strength and wishing everyone reading a peaceful and enjoyable sat night,xx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hi Tayla.

[Guest_1643]

hey Em just sending hugs to u all

hopig ur okay and doing ur awesome self-care and inspiring those around u to do it too!!

thanks for being there for us all, let us know if u need to chat x

[ecomama]

Goodness me everyone!

HIIIiiiiiiii!

Hello to everyone, thankyou for all the love and support and awesome conversation going on in my absence!
Tbh I only expect awesome conversation from awesome people lol.

THANK YOU all for your posts. It means alot and I've missed you all alot too!

I really can't type out all that's been going on, it's too much.
I'm doing really well throughout it all though, I'm good.
In fact I'm feeling more full of gratitude than ever.

I "felt" that things were on the horizon... they were.
I took Long Service Leave at the beginning of last week when everyone got ill.
I must have a cast iron stomach (as well as my washing machine lol) but it was all too much to leave sick kids at home and go to work.

Alexa had things crashing all around her and within her too.
P.son came home every weekend and was pretty much "crashing" too.
So was Yvette and a few others, including grand children.

Then Alexa's pup needed life saving surgery FAST. We pulled out all stops to pool our money (no you wouldn't even BELIEVE the quote) and late last week she had surgery. There are legal ramifications we intend to follow up since this surgery was supposedly ALREADY done by the last shonky vets. Damn!
Pup needed 24h care, so I've stepped in to care for pup so Alexa could do things like birthday parties.

Alexa is seeing a surgeon for herself next week.
I'm taking more leave on half pay to get through.
I've been able to be here for the kids while they heal, drive them to school and back whilst eldest son at home is doing Management Courses in Sydney etc and can't help out.

We've had so many "close" moments in this time, I'm very grateful. The kid's all expressed their deepest fears, "confessed" things they needed no forgiveness from me about, but ofcourse I gave it anyway lol. Little darlings. Alot of "shame forest" exploration here lately!

SO in amongst all this, I've spent ALOT of time in the garden just to feel the breath in my lungs and maintain my grounding. I needed to MOVE, excise the stress energy, process the grief and find moments to be at peace and find joy in life, no matter how messy it gets.
Life is such a blessing. I'm so grateful!

Then.... lol TODAY I collected our first 3 EGGS from our new baby girls!

I will try to pop in and visit other threads.

No matter what, every day I love you, I appreciate every one of you.
Knowing each of you has enriched my life and supported my healing.

Thankyou!

Love always
EMxxxx

[Guest_4643]

sorry to hear all of that EM.

[Croix]

Dear EM

You certainly lead a 'rich' life, and I know in advance you will cope with it all, and probably install improvements along the way.

Do you have moments when you reflect on your undeniable capability and gain extra confidence from the thought ?

Croix

[Guest_1643]

Hi Em - you sound, and are "on top of it!"

lots of energy and hope in this beautiful post. Culminating in the eggs!! And peppered with the connectedness and warmth in ur family. Healthy and beautiful, safe feelings.

I'm so proud of ur kids making their way through life. How is p.son? I know he had a lot of changes recently.

Hope work and life is good and truly good.
I keep looking out for community gardens, my ears are fine-tuned to it, and i seem to always overhear ppl discussing them. 🙂 thanks for the pointer, which was really needed and ...well... on-point! x