new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Jstar49]

Hi Em, hey Sleepy and all,

Wow yes Em! Good on you! It is a different mindset, to trust, especially when things are tough. I felt lifted when I read your words and feel sure, as you do, that it will all work out ok.

Bills ARE stressful! I had to get my car fixed today. A quick service turned into over$600- but I was so grateful that a breakdown didn't happen while I was on the road, that I just felt relief. I had a feeling.... (well, heard a rattle, which prompted the visit to mechanic)

The more I grow, the more I notice those times when I think, if I had just listened to my intuition on that.....

Well, this time I listened!

Cheers Sweetheart! Hope you get a chance to talk to BF this weekend, in amongst all the gardening....

Gotta say, I'm feeling slack about my excuses to not be in the garden when I read about your dedication..... tho I have started another sewing project! A quilt for T. Couldn't resist when I saw the pattern! Works perfectly in her mermaid bedroom!

Cheers,

J*

[Guest_1643]

Hi Em! Hi J!!! I love this thread here 🙂 great discussions and great to see all the beautiful movement and joy in ppl's lives.

Was just wandering EM , I remember the video presentation u guys did together? Was that related to MH? I'm so impressed with the mark@!!!

And I was thinking of that beautiful young woman again today that you pointed me out to. U are psychic. that was a great video for me to know about.

Hi J i'm so glad u are safe and sound ... those bills out of nowhere feel exhausting but it is great that u got it taken care of !!!

[ecomama]

Dear J*

Right now I'm slow roasting beef ribs for the fam. I made that cute berry fruit salad and DID get into the garden for hours already today to collect lemons, limes and tons of macadamia nuts omg.

I know when abuse happens, we really ignore our intuition.
That Course I did years ago TOLD us to take notice of our intuition.
Oh boy have I been trying to do this as much as when I remember to lol, I cannot fault it, it's INCREDIBLE!

Even a few months ago, for no particular reasons, I began putting exactly $390 extra into the mortgage. I did this 3 times, until other things popped up.
I am SO happy I followed my instincts on this. BF didn't want me to lol... he is all about putting extra into Super, I pay an extra $40 or $80 per pay now into Super - can't remember.
That's all I'm willing to part with. Tbh with the crap going on with our Supers now, I'd be BETTER off putting extra into the mortgage over Super.
This extra money will help me thru the financial challenges showing now.

Walking with Faith.

I also said to Alexa this week that I decided that unless I'm going to be thinking about something on my death bed? Why put more concern into it than necessary.

I'm slaying arrows left, right and centre atm lol!

Yes! BF and I finally got to talk today!! Omg we both laughed so much when we said "I MISSED your voice!" at exactly the same time as soon as we connected.
It was late where he was and after an 11h workday he was exhausted, then my family began arriving so we hope to talk again tomorrow.

P.son is here now which is perfect. He's playing with the grandkids and we're letting Alexa have a nap. Her pup is going in for surgery again on Tuesday, she was up till 4am with an assignment. She's unwell and has specialist's booked.
It's all happening there.

Your quilt for T sounds AMAZING! I love mermaids. Yvette was always called a mermaid even by her teachers lol. She had cascading long blond hair down to her legs.

Don't ever compare yourself to anyone J*!
YOU are uniquely YOU, with so much beauty, generosity of heart, caring and SKILLS to boot!
BE YOU.

As my mother always said "We are all flowers in God's garden, uniquely ourselves, making the garden more beautiful". She's pretty wise in so many ways.

Besides all that truth! lol, my garden is what REQUIRES me to spend so much time there.
If you saw it, you'd be agreeing 100%!

I'm gonna be burning up that chiminea BIG TIME all Winter long baby!

Talk soon
LOVE EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy

Yes! That mark was related to Alexa's Honours Course for Psychology.
She's gotten lots of Higher Distinctions so this was "disappointing" ooops.

She needs a Distinction average to get into the next Scholarship Course in 18 months or some other thing she wants.
Hopefully she gets it.

Lol, so many ppl have told me I'm psychic. (Pity I didn't see those nutters approaching though! BF said I got it right in the end so it was all worth it lolol).
YOU just came into my head immediately when I saw that video.
IDK how or why, I just acted upon that impulse - which is following my instincts - and told you about it.

I am SO HAPPY you could relate!
The whole shebang is just so wonderful to watch, so beautiful to see TWO young people doing so much for others with LOVE that pours out of them.
Then sharing it.

That LOVE can start with the LOVE we show to ourselves.

Love you LOTS!
EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

Hi EM

I feel impressed and inspired by alexa's hard work and great grades. Sounds like a lovely project and outcome re the video!
Wishing yuo a happy mama's day to u, EcoMama.
Hope the kids and grandkids spoiled you!

[Chonchon]

Hi my name is chantelle - I’m 32 , I can’t can’t retain information , so I can have a conversation and listen and look like I’m present and listening and engaging in the conversation but my brains like elsewhere and not remembering any of it . I can’t sit and listen to a audio book or read normal book as still can’t retain it , I can sit and watch a movie for few hours again afterwards forget a lot of it .

Growing up for 20 years I had trauma from moving around a lot , to abuse , being put in foster care , my mum sent me to a special school for social skills which shouldn’t of gone to as everyone said there I was smart and popular , I also been told there was may some sexual abuse but I don’t remember anything ( I don’t remember a lot growing up and I don’t remember stuff from even last year , it’s like I block everything out that happens .

Then about 10 years ago I left home , broke free from it all , and became a live in nanny , put myself into work 24/7 , I have now been living in with families and being apart of their family’s which I guess I have loved as never had that growing up and I love looking after kids .

I’m now with my 4th live in family , I have been with them now for 4 years ( they have said maybe ens of year I’ll need to maybe move as there won’t be a need for me anymore and every time i think about it I break down into tears as I’m scared about the future , I want to figure out what will help me with my retaining stuff , if I’ll need to take medication if it will help , I don’t know .

I want to fix this as I want to be able to get to a place where I can study , get a stable Job in a kinder , make friends , I’m so scared as I’m worried if I leave here I’ll have nothing no friends , no job , no family , no where to live and it really frightens me and makes me so upset thinking about it . And I think what if I move and rent how will I afford rent and bills on my own.

[ecomama]

Dearest Sleepy

Thankyou!

You're so sweet offering me Mother's Day wishes!

Yes I was spoilt lol. I cooked a massive dinner for us all on Saturday (which might have to change next year lol) and got to see everyone over the weekend which made me really happy.

I appreciated the WORDS in the cards I got the most, so specific and heartfelt, I was humbled.

I also got LOTS of time in my garden and worked like a banshee lol!
I'm happiest being with my kids and being in my garden.

How are you doing darling girl?

Love EM

[ecomama]

A huge warm Welcome to the forums Chonchon!

I feel very privileged you chose to post on my thread in one of your first posts!
Thankyou, that's really wonderful.

You are ALWAYS WELCOME to post on this thread - any time at all.

I really want to encourage you to begin your own thread so that more people can offer support as you post may become lost in my thread and I don't want you to think no one cares, because WE DO!
And we all want to offer support to you along your journey.

Darling girl, you also seem to have been through so much in your relatively short life.
I'm so sorry for the trauma you've experienced.

Yes indeed you certainly do seem to be highly intelligent.
I wonder about the entrance into the special school you mentioned, they said for "social skills"??
Was this after an autism diagnosis?

I understand your words about not being able to concentrate.
I know for sure 100% that Sleepy, Blue and J* as well as myself "get" this issue.

Sometimes when we've experienced trauma, and most especially when traumatic events are ongoing, we CAN have incredible difficulty with concentration.
It's one of the flags of PTSD.

I cannot diagnose you with anything. You haven't mentioned seeing a Psychologist or Counsellor but calling a helpline is a GREAT place to start and keep up with as you navigate your path forward.
My all time favourite is 1800RESPECT.
I ALWAYS ask the Counsellor who answers the phone, to be put through to a trauma psychologist.
I always leave my name so they can take notes and add to them each times I've called.
THIS helpline has made the WORLD of difference to my life over the past 6-8 years.

I've called 1800RESPECT before, during and after getting help from my Counsellor and seeing a Specialist Trauma Psychologist last year.

I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD, I've had depression in the past, but now with a lot of focused work of my own and the support of many people including the beautiful BB members her, I am considered "well".

I FEEL well too!

Please keep in touch.
Please begin your own thread!
Please call the 1800RESPECT line any time 24/7/366.

We're here for you all the way too.
Hugs!!!
Love your Ecomama.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Probably worth keeping your counselling sessions to things that actually are a problem for you, methinks. I certainly understand that caring/protective drive to stay with your brother in that situation.

I'm glad to see your understanding of your parents' marriage and your father's behaviour wasn't on you, it's an important distinction. So many people blame themselves for the failings of their parents. Thankfully neither you nor I fall in that category, I guess we can add that to the list of things to be grateful for.

Urgh, that news re the skylight isn't what you needed. I certainly know how you're feeling about money/repairs right now. It's been a while, have you worked out a vaguely affordable solution? Of course you've got this. You're a very resourceful and resilient woman.

How goes juggling work and offspring? I don't for a second think you'll miss any of those opportunities for joy.

I have this delightful picture of you in the garden, surrounded by little chickens clucking and pecking away. Are they like Sir Pecks, and trying to "help" you? It's such a good project, making your garden how you want it for how life is now, I know you'll get so much enjoyment out of what you create. Sure getting rid of the rubbish will take a while (been there), but seeing the progress is so heartening. I seem to recall you mentioning getting a skip to get rid of a good portion of it, as a birthday thing? Has your gardener seen your work yet?

I'm impressed about the nails, good stuff. I can't even get a normal polish on my natural nails to stay on for five minutes, my hands are always into everything (especially now my finger is reasonably healed). I did do rainbow colours on my toenails though. 🙂

I don't quite have the energy to read back over what's come since you answered my last message, I'm afraid. I think more money stuff, and worries about Alexa and prodigal son? Hoping things are improving on those fronts. And you got to talk to BF finally. Good stuff.

Kind thoughts to you J*, & Sleepy (& Tayla if you're looking in). Also welcome Chantelle, sounds like you may be dealing with PTSD, I second EM's suggestion of calling 1800RESPECT, they may be able to direct you toward some services to help you unravel things and support you in moving forward.

Blue.

[Jstar49]

Hey Em, Hi all, and welcome Chantelle,

Lovely to hear your voice Chantelle, and I just know that being here in this amazing community of ppl will be of some help to you.

One thing I can say is, it sounds like you have some amazing skills and abilities, which is important to remember if you're preparing for a different stage in your journey. To have coped and thriven in a demanding job (cos caring for kids is hard work!) you have def got skills!

I just returned to the work force after ten years, and it really helped me when someone pointed out my transferable skills for me. we can often become too caught up in our shortcomings, and forget our strengths. Now I'm in a job I feel I was made for!

Best of luck, and hope we get to share more of your journey,

Love J*