new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Jstar49]

Hey Em,

aww! Everyone’s missing chicken!

good offer from your neighbour- maybe she can come and garden sometime too lol- clearing lantana??!

ah the hermione bag! Yep, needs more work. As a concept that is. As a bag it’s ok. Just not everything I wanted it to be! But then I don’t have magic so maybe I expect too much LOL!

letting it flow atm. Posted d’s card. To do that I had to drive past her place to get the number. Which could be what I was actually avoiding. So weird. Stalking my own daughter.
cie la vie. It is what it is. Gotta just accept it, do what I can, and keep on truckin’! God, can I fit any more cliches in there?!!

great to hear your joy. Gratitude sounds like the go.

im grateful for my H who knows when I’m struggling and does what he can to help. Except washing up. He drew the line at that lol.

Cheers

J*

[ecomama]

Hey Tay, J*, Blue, Emo and everyone

Just got home from work and have to go out again in a minute, I'll be back!! (late though)
We have to all go out late night shopping at the big Mall nearby to get Alexa a new phone, Yvette a birthday present for a few week's time lol, stuff for kid's school and my office stuff.

Hey Tay Tay, talk as MUCH as you want on my thread, GO FOR IT!
Just a quick note tho, Yes it's pretty normal to feel embarrassed talking to a male GP.
My first suggestion is to change to a female GP.

I never see male GPs for women's issues or even MH issues any more either.
I'm even looking for a female Podiatrist now too. Think I've found one.

Keeping my male Chiro, he's amazing. He'll be "the last man standing" though, the way I'm going! lol.

All good, talk soon.
Love EM

[Guest_4643]

Hey EM, enjoy your day.

I used to see a female GP before I saw my current GP, this one only saw people under 21 & I'm now 21, I think she saw Mothers too though. She was useless anyway, never prescribed me my meds.

My GP is nice but yeah, idk. I was thinking of making an appointment. I guess I can just ask & see what he says, maybe he'll say to see a female.

Trying to get an appointment with my Psychiatrist sooner, I bet the Telehealth company won't reply or call me, since they never reply to emails and pass stuff onto him, only the Executive Assistant does but she told me to email the company directly. I bet I won't hear anything.

[ecomama]

Thanks Tay Tay, we got lots done lol.

I came home and wrote a reply then it disappeared bec our wifi was down.
I fell asleep waiting for it to come back lol.

Tay, what I'm about to write is full of love and concern for things as they are for you right now.

You have SO MUCH intelligence, compassion, sweetness. I really think the world is missing out on you! I'd love to see your resourcefulness BROADEN to other areas.

I'm not sure if you have goals or ideas of how you'd like to move from where things are right now to where you'd like to be?

I know I suggested:
- TAFE
- a part time job
- volunteering etc before to you.

It feels "safe" remaining in the status quo. I know that. I've been there!

If we TRULY want things to change then the change is up to each of us to make happen.
We can't rely on others to do that for us.

I know there are "supports" out there and yours are your GP and Psychiatrist atm, but they're not going to make the changes happen.
From where I sit and see things for almost everyone, the "supports" give maybe 1% because it's almost 100% up to us.

I'm not sure how your parents support or guide you? I'm sure they're lovely people!
Are they modelling to you how to get into the workforce?
Or helping you to do so?

For sure, I'd change to a female GP, wherever she is.
Hopefully that's ONE change you can make happen and see where that leads.

The other thing I wrote before is moving your ideas from "support" groups to other more mainstream groups, like TAFE etc listed above.
Even joining a Sporting group like playing Netball OR helping some little kids play a Sport.
Like being an assistant Coach by turning up and cheering them on during training and games.

Just getting involved in LIFE outside your current circle.

Love EM

[Guest_4643]

Hi EM.

I know you're trying to help, but I can't afford TAFE, they won't let me volunteer or get a part time job (I have no skills anyway). I applied for the NDIS to get job training etc but they said they don't do any of that so I withdrew my claim.

Yes my parents try to support me as much as they can.

I'm not a sporty person and there's not many sport things here, and I don't think they're taking new people.

This town sucks.

[ecomama]

Yeah it's up to each of us to find ways to get out there Tay.

When it came to my teenage kids offering to coach little kid's soccer and netball teams, they said there's ONE prerequisite... you need a pulse! Lol.
Add a Working With Children's Check for volunteers which is free, you're set to go in these areas.

But it's completely up to you dear.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: family and I sailing smoothly despite the bumps in the road lol

Happy to report ALL'S well here. Thankyou to EVERYONE for your support and no I'm not leaving lol. It sounds like a farewell when I write all is well... but it's not.

Alexa is super charged, driving one son to the City tomorrow to see 3 cars being sold privately, that he's interested in buying. He's saved over $5k now and worked 5 nights in a row after school every day. Amazing motivation.

Once that's done then both are saving to buy a place together to lease to tenants.

I hope Alexa's Court papers will be finalised for Property and Parenting BEFORE they buy... their property will be going into a Family Trust I'll set up regardless.

All the other kids are doing well, especially Yvette even though she's facing huge friendship issues at school by being totally excluded to the edge of bullying.
BUT she has lovely friends of all ages at work.

Her birthday is later in the month and I offered to pay for a bday dinner out for her and friends. She said she has no friends and I reminded her of her work friends.
TODAY she told me she's having a bday party HERE lol... and other sons have already helped by talking with some work friends, her favourite boss JUMPED at saying yes and this made Yvette SO HAPPY. He's only 18yo lol but he's awesome.
Nice.
I started buying party stuff today. More stuff is in the "Party Cupboard" already lol.

P.son may come up or it, IDK.

I have a hospital booking for Tuesday at short notice, so I'm having 3 days off work this week for that. ALL GOOD.

Gardener offered to work weekends to garden WITH me which is AWESOME! I'm SO GRATEFUL for him!
I've booked him in for 2 week's time. YAY!

Uncle put the 2nd louvre in and it looks AWESOME!
He'll be back next week to continue. Maybe if I tell him there's a teen party soon, he may hurry up, IDK lol.

I THINK I've almost (see the low modality there lol) decided to buy these fancy open hanging thingies from Bunnings as my wardrobes. I can't deal with all my stuff in different pokey places ie broken cupboards. They're Industrial like things which you can buy different parts for. When I'm finished with them in my room, I can use them in the garage.

My Office is looking so good now that a sweet young colleague asked if she can move in!
LOL! I KNEW that would happen once I cleared it and got it looking lovely.
Ofcourse I said yes. No one else tho! lol.

EMxxxx

[Jstar49]

Hey Em, and all,

Wow thats all so awesome- I love the bit about the son buying his car, making those decisions is huge and I love how he's being supported encouraged AND empowered! So great!

And a rental property- Go Alexa and son! Altho thats got its ups and downs hasn't it. I'll be praying for good tenants for them also.

Your new office sounds lovely.

I hear you with the broken wardrobes.....I've got similar fit-outs in mind for my sewing room. I love the kits I put in T's wardrobes- works so well for her craft stuff, altho it does take up more room it's way more accessible. So I'm on a complicated journey of moving tv and stuff OUT of sewing room, clearing space for new storage. I keep being indecisive becos the bunnings option is not recycling or upcycling or made by us, but it will be so much more functional! I started sewing today in a way which uses up scraps that are laying around- sort of patchworking but without a known goal lol!- and colour organising as I go. I am pretty keen to have it sorted now. Clean decks! (I'm such a clutter bug when I'm creating- it gets a bit out of hand)

That so hard for Yvette with her non friends at school. Honestly school can be such a ghastly place. Glad she has cool work friends tho. That will keep her holding her head up high!

There's so much pressure to conform at school that it's the rare kids who actually choose friends becos of who they are, rather than what 'everyone else' thinks. Yvettes basic coolness will stand her in good stead in the real world, and maybe she's already being a role model to some poor kid who's dying to bust out of her shell!

T was being excluded for the first 3 years at school- primary school! It was horrendous! I HATED the mothers who just turned a blind eye as if it was fine. T stood up for other kids too, and didn't accept the queen bee as queen, so it was pretty awful for her. I was so proud of her character thru it all tho. She now has a bunch of new-ish friends as new kids have come to the school, and it's just so lovely.

I hope you're ok mama- it sounds like you don't want anyone to worry so I'm gona trust that your hospital visit is nothing serious and you'll be fine.

Glad you're getting that gardener in- you'll need a rest after all this! Altho I'm sure you won't just be watching him work ....

Cheers

J*

[Paw Prints]

Hello Em,

I just want to say... thank you very muchly lass xoxo

There is something about your posts... be they about your life or in support of other's... reading them I find the that little spark in me that is needed to do things... stirs & flickers... it's not yet fully alight... but your words offer it support & encouragement... regardless of who they were for.

Hugs

Paws

[ecomama]

Hey J*!

Oh the hospital visit is a routine colonoscopy. 

Bullying is disgusting. teeny tiny ppl TRYING to put others that shine more down. their antics based in fear, jealousy and anger.
Convos like that really help Yvette and the others when it's happened.

I home schooled my kids for a number of years so they are NOT like branded cattle going thru the cogs of the system.

Yvette wants to leave school the MINUTE she's legally allowed to & I support this. I have zero concerns about her leaving at all. She's such a bright child and scored in top 5% of state exams like the others have, HOW she wants to use her intelligence is as important to me as maintaining her beautiful compassionate soul. Not having it destroyed.

My gardener lol, I ALWAYS garden with him! Hence him offering Saturdays here lol.

Yes on the investment property front, been there before! There's a crisis shortage of housing here atm, so the fact is, if the tenants aren't good, there's the door.

Hence I want to crack on with plans for building the cabin also. I've thought of a strategy that I'll share on Blue's "Managing finances" thread. I've been thinking and Praying on it for almost a year & I think I've come up with the best strategy moving forward now.

My Office is getting lovelier all the time lol.

Sons are having a "watching the soccer party" tonight lol. They've all just left on their skateboards!

How are YOU doing?

Love EM