new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_4643]

I'm thinking of you, EM.

[ecomama]

Hey Tay

I'm thinking of you too. What are you up to?

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

It does sound like a big year, a lot going on. And maybe another HSC finisher next year.

I figured that was the case, can't imagine you not wanting time with your loved ones, be they human or furry/feathery. Good that you see your grandkids a lot, and that pup time was good, despite her struggles post-surgery. Poor thing.

And dinner went well, as I knew it would. Very good that you had that family time and I get the impression everyone enjoyed themselves. That cast iron is heavy, not surprised your arms are sore!

Ah, yep, I can see why most would find the scholarship process hard to keep trying for. I don't know that I'd bother for long with that sort of competition, the energy only holds up so long.

Car sounds great, glad you had fun. Yeah, manuals can be harder to sell. I lean toward autos personally because anything of an age I could afford is geared to sit at 60kph, so it's a damn pain to drive comfortably at 50 most places in the city. Also you can't eat a burger while you're driving if you have to change gears. 😉

Wow, sounds like my former manager when she gave (not sold) me her old mower. Her partner serviced it first and gave me a jerry can of fuel with it. Now and then you come across a good egg who will go the extra mile. Funny about Alexa having links to the owners via FB, and also knowing some of her neighbours thus. Small world, isn't it?

Really glad you're getting some use out of Cash for Cars, happy to have helped with that. 🙂

Did you work out the troubles you were having with the glass? Hope so.

Glad to hear you're in a good place at the moment, EM. I hear you about "foreboding joy", sounds super familiar. My thought on that is if it does end up going bad later, that's all the more reason to make the most of things going right in the moment.

You and the family are doing great, having purpose and having strategies for when things aren't so good. It does take years, I know that for myself, but as you say, taking personal responsibility for where you're at and acting on it makes so much difference. Making all those little changes over time, it adds up. You've done the work, you're getting some returns - you deserve to be feeling better and doing better.

Glad to hear you're not going anywhere. I'm sure I'd miss our lively discussions.

Blue.

[Guest_4643]

Thanks EM.

I'm ok.

[ecomama]

Yep, not going anywhere lol. I like our convos too!

Alexa's thrilled with her car, she's finding so many awesome features the owner didn't mention. Yes funny about the connections too since the car / owner lived 2.5h away!

Her pup has an infection, sadly. That gaping hole is really horrible. She's on antibiotics & has been for over 2 weeks now. We enacted our "alternative therapies" and it seems to have settled down somewhat now.
Vet tomorrow to remove the staples. YUCK.
That'll be messy, more than 24 in a huge Y shaped wound IDK how long, maybe 40cm?
Horrible.

She'll feel more comfortable with the staples out, our darling girl.

I'm going to have a peek at Uncle's work today, then let you know lol!!! BRB....
yeah it looks really sweet! ONE wall has both louvres in it now.
That glass room, that we're calling it, was a downstairs outdoor patio / porch are, so it's never been enclosed with solid walls.
The louvres let a lot of light in, yay!

I bought toughened glass (Uncle didn't think we needed it). It cost me $100 more for 2 sets of louvres but you never know with kids and teens, lawn mowers, ladders, whipper snippers what's going to happen. I'd rather them everyone be safe.
Louvre glass was $100 less in the City where Uncle lives, so a bargain really!

We also had the sills custom made to Uncle's design in expensive hardwood in the City also. Uncle paid half and took half for his house.

We're getting the glass sliding door with 2 glass panels on either side for free from Uncle.

I estimated $5000 - $7500 for the entire room, I'll add it up at the end and see!
If it comes in UNDER then I'll be tempted to buy nice stuff for in there but I'd rather UPcycle stuff I HAVE!
The concrete floor needs something, not sure what yet, will decide later when the walls are all done. (THAT cost me $3500 years ago, not including that).

Yes we're all doing well. I agree 100%, may as well FEEL GOOD while the going's good! LOL!
I got a bit nervy even typing that, damned foreboding joy.
The wheels fall of the wagon pretty fast with this many kids doing all their stuff.

OMG I found out that Alexa withheld paying rent bec the landlord wouldn't replace the air con for FOUR MONTHS in a HOT humid Summer. She only did it last week for the 1st time (omg what a GIRL!).
5 days later an air con guy just TURNED up with no warning & began installing it lol.
Alexa wondered what was happening.
The MOMENT the air con turned on, she transferred the rent lol.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Hey J*, sorry I thought I'd responded to this, maybe I DID lol, having issues with disappearing posts lately.

Thankyou for your words about our darling chicken.

Our poodle is right this minute staring at the space we buried her from the balcony.
He pines for her.
We didn't realise SHE had been his constant companion for 2 months when we weren't at home.

So it's pretty sad.
He wants to go down there every day, when before she passed away, he NEVER wanted to go into the back yard! LIKE NEVER. We had to carry him down there.

Now he waits and whimpers at the top of the steps and takes the FIRST opportunity to nervously walk down the steps then RUNS to her spot. Looks at me, makes strange noises like he's asking questions. These animals are so freaking intelligent. But it's pretty heartbreaking seeing him do this.

I have to spend time with him every day down there.

My neighbour wanted to give me some Hippeastrums last year as an apology for PLANTING LANTANA omg. I said "OMG YOU DID WHAT??" and laughed omg. She offered the Hippie bulbs when she divides hers up this year.
I tell you what I'm going to put a note in her mailbox, reminding her if she forgets!!

So we'll wait for them.

There's some space for them to spread because of all the weeding & clearing I did to bury our darling chicken.

Not like we're short of LOAM. Came home yesterday and Morgana our resident Brush Turkey lol had moved a mountain of beautiful black soil to against our HOUSE. OH! It's almost 4ft HIGH.

What next?

We're doing well. If only poodle would make friends with our cat, we'd be fine, but he pretends he wants to eat him and chases him crazily.

How are you doing J*?
I hear you're adjusting your handmade Hermione bag?

Love EM

[ecomama]

Hey Tay

What's going on?

I think of you all the time and wonder what you're up to.

love EM

[Guest_4643]

Aw thank you EM, I think of you too.

I'm ok, just trying to get through day by day I suppose. Can't see my Psychiatrist until March, I asked to be put on his list if there's any cancellations/appointments come up.

I have my GP on the 9th but idk if I'll still go, he doesn't help me much, even for physical stuff.

How are you?

[ecomama]

Hey Tay

I'm dealing with the mozzies atm lol. So many about atm, even at work.

I'm doing really well thankyou!
Things are getting messier at home because I'm working fulltime now, but that's okay.

Well unless you need to see your GP, then there's not much point is there?

Yes the time between Psych appts can be quite long.
I booked 3 ahead at a time in the one call when I was booking them in for me and booking them in for Yvette.

That way, if there was any reason one appt was missed, then another one was only 2 weeks away.
It also meant less calls to make.

I don't need to do this with my Counsellor though, fortunately. I pretty much know now that they've placed me as a high priority due to the multiple traumas and supporting multiple children.

Back when I needed them alot more, if my C was overseas - as she used to be alot - then the Head Psych would have a phone appt with me, even though that wasn't her role, she just did it and I'm so glad she did.

They really step up with their clients.
I'm extremely grateful for them.

Love EM

[Guest_4643]

Hi EM.

Without sounding selfish, I wish I was a priority patient. I mean I know there's others that are unfortunately worse than me (I don't mean that in a rude way). When my Psychiatrist has done referrals for me to Psychologists (although that's always turned bad - either they won't help me (don't accept new patients, bulk bill, etc), or are just awful), he writes that I should be a priority referral. But I don't seem to be for my GP and my Psychiatrist. Not that I know of anyway.

They both said they discussed that they'd both see me once a month & I'd only wait 2 weeks before an appointment with 1 of them. But that's not working out now. It wasn't working out in the first place, because it was over 2 weeks.

I booked appointments in advance with my GP up until March because thats the furthest they could do when they booked them. Sometimes they cancel and reschedule my appointments without me knowing at the clinic which is rude and unncessary.

I usually call when I'm done with my Psychiatrist to make another session with him but I haven't felt like seeing any professionals and now I regret not calling earlier because I can't see him until March.

Idk if I'll see my GP, I have some Physical stuff I want to ask him, some of which is about my period and these meds (I'm on the pill also from a surgery I had in 2018), but I feel uncomfortable talking to Males, even Professionals, about Women's issues. That's just me. Is it normal to be embarrassed? Are they embarrassed or are they used to that stuff?

I told my Psychiatrist about it, and my GP a while ago but I've noticed something I need to discuss, they said it's fine though, but still. I feel uncomfortable mentioning it to either of them.

Sorry for me rambling there.