new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Hey Emo

What's going on?
Why have you been in a low place?

You are more than welcome ANY TIME to share anything you need to, want to here.

I tell you this thread really attracts people who've been abused big time AND got OUT!
That didn't mean we were instantly healed, no way. It meant we could BEGIN to heal.

SO many thoughts and questions are bandied around on this thread because of the abuse we suffered.

We may not have all the answers but are certainly on our own healing journeys now.

If you're still in the abusive relationship there is HOPE. Please know this.
Maybe there's alot to "get" and prepare yourself for before you're done for good, but if you have the desire to leave for good then you WILL.

You know that Stats say it takes an average of 17 times leaving an abusive r/ship before a survivor leaves for good. I don't think we can trust all stats but they're there to show us that it's HARD.

We'll be here for you all the way, staying, leaving, and anything in between.

Hugs.

Both myself and Alexa left extremely abusive relationships, several years apart. Whenever Alexa left I used to COUNT it out loud to her; "That's THREE... 14 more to go". Just saying this to her made certain things get through.

Now Shep (Alexa's ex) is in one of his "bad" personality phases. I realised today that he would've been very angry to hear "their" dog was having operations but only for ONE reason - MONEY.
Dog lives with Alexa 100% and she pays of everything, she'd never even ASK Shep for money but Alexa having ANY money triggers rage in Shep.
When she fronts up in a 'new' car this will trigger him worse because of MONEY.
I told Alexa this and she said "Oh yeah that's right" lol, too bad.

ALEXA'S dog is doing well. We were able to give her some homeopathics I had for us that are safe for dogs too and from that moment, the night she left here, she improved significantly.
The Vet appt today removed a drainage tube (I think) and they said she's healing rapidly.

Alexa had saved $20k for her new car, luckily she had lots of savings because the operations cost alot. Getting the car for $11k means she has some left for more Vet bills if needed.

Thanks for asking after her.
Keep safe,
Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

You're welcome. I'm glad you're getting so much out of minimising. Of course, I knew you would. 😉

Even now I try not to just insult my ex, he wasn't without some redeeming features, but I honestly can't say he wasn't a bloody great man-child. He had no concept of adult responsibility, no will to engage with anything I tried to teach him. He would complain that I didn't put his name on more of the bills, but when he had literally two bills to pay, he just plain didn't pay one and we lost the service. I asked why the heck he thought I would give him any sway over my credit rating when he screwed up just two bills. Hell no!

Parasites, sure. I'm not sure even ticks are that bad. The worst parasite I know is the human being. Hence I hate it when people tell me I'm only human. No thanks, I divorce myself from this rotten species.

I'm trying to interpret what you're saying about work. Are they actually trying to get more people to help you do what you do, or was the show of hands to illustrate how "Look, you have to do it all because no-one else knows how"? Or are they contemplating workplace training for some? It's hazy, but you're in a positive place about it so maybe not the classic employer BS ending in "you can't have a helper"?

Oh, about time. Glad she's got a good deal on a car she likes and can pick it up soon. On the subject of you staying to nurse Alexa's pup, how is she doing today? Hopefully better again than yesterday.

Ah, okay. I don't think mine does much self-reflecting, either. No god complex, just very focused on doing, doing, doing. Never being. I see your sense of justice was well developed even as a youngster, that's good. I didn't realise your brother had a disability. I can see how that would have complicated things with parents who were already not really up to muster.

It's a good pursuit to have, and no doubt a challenging one. Good on you.

I wish I had answers on that one, EM, anger is part of my make-up. Regret less so, but it's there. I think these things are teachers/motivators to do better in future, but they can get out of hand and take over to a detrimental degree. What exactly to do about that, I'm not sure. One of many things to work on.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, hey I know, I didn't want to insult TICKS either! I agree about the human race.

There are SO FEW people who are GOOD. There it is lol.

Oh there's truly nothing good to say about demon. Nothing. Zip zilch nada.
He planned for our demise so he could have all the money.
Pure evil.

demon looked much like your ex in the irresponsibility realm. Worse than hopeless. HARMFUL.
To every possible thing.

Alexa's pup is doing okay. The drainage tube was removed yesterday and now she wants to lick the wound all the time! So she's getting a skin condition around her mouth ugh. Staples out next week. Her healing is excellent the Vet said. It's definitely AS the Vet said AFTER the Op... she needs 24h care for up to or beyond 10 days. Absolutely ridiculous they didn't give Alexa the headsup about THAT.
Hence Alexa needing to bring all her Client's cooking here on Tuesday for us to help with pup and the cooking. We got double cooking done + care for pup. I think I'm still recovering!

Yes my brother has significant disabilities, sorry this carried over from other thread. Both my brothers did. One passed away when I was young.

Out of all the human race, my passion is for helping the vulnerable ppl in our society, for my career that's most esp people with disabilities and children.

My brother's done VERY well! Stable relationship for decades. Great home (I bought with him lol). He's a landlord of 2 properties but NOTHING is shared with his partner. She demanded that early on and he agreed.
He often comes here asking for help and ofcourse I do everything I can. Mainly it's for communication needs with his business. Also to clarify things for him.
He didn't want children but helped his partner raise all her children.
All good there.

Work? Well it's been bandied around for YEARS that there should be minimum 5 more ppl doing my job to cover things. The FRANK and open way that boss exposed ppl the other day was really to SHOW the whole staff WHO was Qualified and who isn't (no matter what they say).

Tbh ppl were LYING.

It's SO transparent to our Psych at work that most ppl have no idea what they're doing taking on far more challenging cases. So she refers them to me after others have tried and ended up in a far worse pickle!
It takes a bit of effort for the bosses to check ppl's Quals and they hadn't done that.
They knew mine because of the Title of my job.

Funny technique the bosses used lol.

EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

The frustrating thing is we all have the potential to be decent. Too many choose to throw that away.

I understand. Can't find any redeeming features in my first ex either, the possible narc. Too dumb to be scheming, but really mean-spirited and useless.

Seriously, Alexa wasn't told beforehand about the 24 hour care her pup would need for so long? That's extremely important information for someone who works, for crying out loud. There's that 97% again. I'm not surprised you're exhausted after helping with all that, around work.

I think I can keep up with things carrying over from other threads. I can certainly see why you have the passion you do. It's impressive what your brother has achieved, and I'm glad you were able to help with that.

Ah, gotcha. These bosses would save everyone a whole lot of time, effort and stress by checking those qualifications. Having the wrong people is a mess for productivity and the overall health/culture of a company. No-one wins when there are a bunch of incompetent people running around playing at something they don't know how to do. Excuse the rant, it's a huge thing at my work, too. Granted less important work, but having some standard of competency seems relevant.

How are you holding up with work, offspring and periodic pup-sitting?

Blue.

[Emo]

Hi Ecomama,

Thank you for your concern for me. I'm going to take a break from posting for a while.

I was trying to reach out to help others and I thought that I was going OK but it was triggering me into a very dark place. It wasn't from posting to yourself so please don't worry.

I don't cope very well on my own. I really need to talk to someone to keep me sane and to help me see that I deserve more. You don't happen to know of a helpline for DV victims that has forums like BB have do you?

Anyway enough about me, I hope that things keep improving for Alexa's dog and that your family continue to go from strength to strength.

I will keep checking your posts as I draw great strength from how well you and your family are going despite the horrendous things you have all been through. I hope one day to be as strong as you.

All the best.

Regards,

Emo.

[Jstar49]

Oh Em!

I'm so touched, reading your story.

Quite a few days have passed since your darling chickie passed, so I'm hoping that the rawness has been soothed, and everyone is feeling calmer and more able to cope. Our wonderful animals give so much love and company and meaning to our lives- it sounds like your chicken is still doing that. I'm glad you and she got to share the journey for the time you had.

Did you find the plants you wanted yet? What a lovely way to honor and remember your fluffy friend!

Much love,

J*

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

Nope they didn't tell Alexa AT ALL. I was there in person with Alexa when she explicitly asked: "What will she look like or need after the surgery? Do I have to do any thing SPECIAL for her?"
Answer: oh she'll be shaved a little bit but okay.

Nothing at all about the state of her (which was nothing short of shocking), nothing about needing time off, nothing.
I spoke to the Head vet in very direct terms about "improving their processes".
Hmmm.

Yes my brother is a shining light in his "Club". He joined it for his disability many years ago & mentors all the time. I support by doing some things for employment / study etc for ppl. My brother's great.

Re: my work, yeah lol. Every single person HAS to have the "basic" degree to even GET a job there, so that's a given. Can't even register without this.
But it was the additional degrees / Quals people were "kind of lying" about.
Giving them the benefit of the doubt (lol) maybe they just didn't REALISE what it takes to call yourself "Qualified" in this specialist area?

Anyhow they were saying stuff & are NOT now lol.

Employing the extra ppl for the 'specialist' area is fine with the basic degree, doesn't mean they know what they're doing, but honestly it's difficult to find ppl with 2 or 3 degrees.
I got Scholarships for my last 2 Degrees, I had to be "bonded" & go anywhere they told me to in the State for years after I finished, which I did.
The last one was a "SPECIALIST specialist" degree, I've never met anyone with BOTH of these last 2 on top.
My first Degree had no HECS fees because it was EONS ago lol!
The others were Scholarships.

I turned down the last offer.
Too much at the time.

I'm doing very well thankyou for asking!
GETTING A NEW OFFICE OMG I'M SO EXCITED lol. I'll begin to move in slowly this week. Need all new technology which needs to be set up by the techie. I LOVE IT!
Minding Alexa's pup today so she can get her car in the City today with 2 of my kids & her kids too lol! Pup's wound is still bleeding from the wound - apparently "that's to be expected" ugh - & needs me to attend it periodically. Staples come out this week, poor thing but she's healing. She's asleep right next to me right now lol, darling girl.

Got a Family dinner tonight, it's all prepped, I woke up excited at 5am, CAN'T wait lol. Got lots of fruit to cut up still yet.

OH great news! P.son is determined to move back home after he finishes Yr 12 YAY! I bet he misses our Feasts!

Better get on!
EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Wow, even when asked specifically. That's really poor. Never mind the distressing state pup would be in. I don't blame you for being angry.

That's great about your bro. 🙂

They could probably benefit from offering study through work, if it's so highly specialised to the point of more than one degree. Sounds like you really pushed yourself for multiple degrees, that's a lot of work. It's fair that you didn't go for yet another. It's clearly serving you well, though, I'm glad. My degree is just a pretty certificate that has done a bunch of nothing.

Ooh, new office. Glad you're getting an upgrade and are so excited about it. 🙂

I suspect you don't mind looking after pup while Alexa gets her car. Hopefully she's doing okay and you're able to manage dinner prep and attending pup without too much difficulty.

Family dinner sounds good. A lot to celebrate by the looks, new car and the prospect of prodigal son returning, I know how much you and the rest of the family miss him.

Very glad to be hearing positives, EM. Woo-hoo!

Blue.

[ecomama]

Yes BIG day & lots happening atm.

All the boys still at home + p.son are doing their HSC this year, so it's big for them & us.

Another HSC next year if she lasts lol.

OH OFCOURSE I'm fine to mind Alexa's pup ANY TIME of the day or night! I'd do this for any of my kid's pets & grandkids ofcourse lol, but since my OWN children are into "attachment parenting" as I was, the children don't spend much time away from parents unless it's school or parties etc. They visit a lot usually.

Pup was beautiful yesterday. She enjoyed the air con lol. Her wound is awful. It was fine looking after her, yes. Love her to bits.

Dinner was yum! My arms hurt today from taking cast iron baking dishes in & out of the oven lol... hasn't been as much gardening happening over Summer, as it would usually be, so I'm a bit out of condition.

Our sector does offer Scholarships but it's extremely competitive to get one. My first Scholarship had over 1400 ppl apply for TEN places. I got paid full time wages to study 5d per week, travelling to the City every day. Same with next one but I was head hunted for that & same deal, travelling to city but was in another State then.

So they can but ppl don't bother applying. Or give up when they're knocked back over & over.

Omg Blue, Alexa took us for a drive in her car before dinner and it's beautiful! lol. Seat warmers lol, a MOON roof with an electronic cover to make a proper roof. Just so much. I guess bec it was a manual that meant lots of ppl must not have been interested in buying it.

Would you believe that the owners were SO GOOD to Alexa!!! They washed and vacuumed it again and knew she was travelling a long way to pick it up, so they APOLOGISED for not filling the TANK up (omg) and gave Alexa a $50 note to fill it lol.

They found out that they ACTUALLY have a common FB Friend lol. Alexa is friends with the owner's niece! So once they found that out, and got the backstory from their niece who said Alexa was awesome lol, they KEPT the car for her!
Alexa's SO HAPPY with it! Her neighbours all texted asking if she had a new car! lol. They've offered for Alexa to use their cars (bec they know the scary back story of Shep and being exposed and vulnerable). 2 neighbours just happened to know Alexa via FB before she moved in.

NOW another CASH 4 CARS event lol, thanks for that tip Blue, she can't wait to get the old one taken away.

Uncle came & worked on the glass room today, had some issues.

Better get dinner going,
Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: feeling more on top of life.

Even when thinking this, never mind declaring it lol, I have that "foreboding joy" reaction.
Wondering if this is just a 'pinnacle' time and I'm at the precipice ever so shakily up there about to topple.

But it doesn't matter if it is or if it isn't. I'm TAKING it lol. Feeling GRATITUDE is what Brene says counteracts this awful foreboding joy thing.

SO I'M grateful Morgana the Brush turkey raked a MOUNTAIN of gorgeous black soil against the house today! Welcome home mama lol. It showed us just how rich the soil was lol! This is exactly what the kids said after WOW, how did she DO THAT? "Gee it's nice black soil, well done mum".

The thing I know is that nothing's perfect. I don't expect it to be any time anyway.

I LOVE that all of us are doing well.
I have lots of strategies for when any of us aren't.

Managing life's ups and downs in a mentally healthy way (hopefully most of the time) is what's so great to experience. I always include all my kids in this bec if they're not doing well, it negatively effects me, until I get a grip on that too.

It's the fact that we're all on a purposeful path, that's HUGE.
- all of my kids are working in a job for now, are at studying at school (also HUGE lol) or studying at Uni for the field they want to enter.
- the adult children out of home are financially independent of me (thank goodness lol)
- the eldest children at school are doing well becoming financially independent of me.

We're ALL in the sphere of happiness being contented, striving, functional.

This has literally taken YEARS to get even to here after all the trauma we all went through.

If you'd asked me 5y "how" we'd all be, I would've said "all in therapy with psychologists and / or psychiatrists". And if it took that, and we were all alive then I would have felt happy.

But taking 99% responsibility over our MH and telling each of the older ones this, and how I did it, was the huge key that opened the door to MH for all of us.

Feeling amazed and extremely grateful.

Thankyou everyone for your support over the past almost 1y.

I'm not going anywhere lol. I like you all FAR too much to ditch!! That includes all the Sophie_Ms.

With love and gratitude,
EM