new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Emo]

Hi Ecomama,

I would like to start by saying what an amazing person you are, even with the trauma you are currently going through you are still reaching out to others on this forum and trying to comfort them when you are the one who should be getting comforted.

I am so very sorry for the trauma you have all been through today with your daughter Alexa's dogs surgery and the stress that Alexa is feeling after having to see her poor dog in the distressing condition animals can be in after major surgery. My little girl cat went through major surgery to repair her leg after being attacked by another animal and the shock of seeing our precious babies in that condition can be very distressing and the feeling of being so helpless to take their pain away can be heartbreaking.

It's wonderful to hear how amazing the head vet is being with your daughter and yourself. It's fantastic that he has already made phone calls to check in with your daughter, it must be a great comfort to her and yourself knowing that the head vet is there for you.

It is completely understandable that your dog would be distressed and heartbroken with his buddy having passed away. It was so kind of you to talk to your dog and help to calm him down. I think your dog will be fine in time with a lot of love and support from your family.

I'm sorry that your BF is going through a terrible time but it's good that you got to talk about it. I wish I could talk with my husband but I can't...... .

Please make sure you look after yourself with all that you have going on in your life. I'm very concerned about your hands going numb, if it continues please get it checked out. Please know that I'm here sending you hugs and support and you and your family and Alexa's dog are in my prayers. Please try to find some time to relax.

Regards,

Emo.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Guess what, I just wrote a long post to you and lost the lot. Now to remember and try to paraphrase. Aargh!

I know how hard it was to let darling chicken go, certainly can't blame you for wanting one more night with her. You have worked hard to make the right space to lay her to rest and now have done so, with the care she deserves. I hope you are feeling more kindly toward yourself now.

You mentioned you felt like you "deserved to work so hard" in the process. I'm curious, do you know why you felt that way?

Sorry to hear of things with Alexa's dog, but glad the head vet is putting in so much attention and time to making sure things go right from here on. This stuff is distressing at the best of times, doubly so on the heels of losing darling chicken. I've little energy to spare, but sending what I have toward speedy recovery for pup.

Shaking my head at the stuff with Alexa's licence. The 97% indeed. On that subject, if your dad was CEO, could he not have hired more competent people instead of spending every day for 14 years mopping up after bad ones, or put some red tape in place to stop them enacting big stupid decisions without approval? Guess it's a moot point now.

I've not come across the wheel of balance. Probably come near it in concept on my own, but it hasn't turned up in my research. (Have added that to my notes on stuff to look up.)

I see your point about autonomy/agency/choices. Whilst there are certainly things beyond our control (like me flatly failing to get out of a job I hate in well over a decade of trying... not that I mean to stop trying), there are choices that can be made to make things easier - i.e. not going over and above at work, tweaking expenses so I can do less hours, reviewing and changing up my perspective, etc. I'm glad you are in a job you like, and have even managed to incorporate gardening into it - brilliant move. As a fellow back pain sufferer, I agree also that we're not meant to be sedentary. Being sedentary doesn't work for me at all!

How did counselling and your chat with psych friend go? As to "abandonment" re my stuff, the word alone doesn't resonate with me, but I'm sure there's more to it. If there's one thing the people neglecting me didn't do, it was leave. Frankly I'd probably have been better off if they did. It's no fun being a life-raft for someone heavier than you, having them hang on hard and drag you down with them when you know very well no-one's surviving if you don't both swim!

Blue.

[Guest_4643]

Hey EM, I agree with Emo's comment. I haven't been reading these much because it's a lot for me to read and I don't have the best concentration. I'm sorry you're dealing with a lot. I'm here for you, we all are. Stay safe.

[ecomama]

Dear Tay Tay

Thankyou. Alexa & her dog were with us all day and I could see the results of the surgery. Very shocking.

I appreciate you reaching out always to others and offering a listening ear and shoulder to lean on.

Hugs
Love EM

[ecomama]

Hey Emo, you're very kind, thankyou.

Yes ofcourse it was horrible and difficult to lose our beloved darling chicken but as the days go by I can rationalise that she went at the best time. It was highly unlikely she was going to live more than 15y or even TO 15y but she did and I'm forever grateful she chose us to be her family.

Always in my heart my bbg.

I do miss her but it would have been near impossible to work with her so ill as I had to return on Monday this week.
Maybe she "knew" this on some spiritual level lol.

Seriously you wouldn't ever want to know the horror story of yesterday and Alexa's pup, dear Jesus it was so horrific.

When Alexa first called I literally thought she'd been in a car accident and someone called "mum" on her phone (I began shaking immediately) ... I couldn't understand Alexa nor did I think it was her talking at all!
She was so traumatised.
Enough, it's too much to expand upon on the forums.

I tell you what, that Head Vet SHOULD HAVE called us, FOR SURE. In fact so many things should NOT Have happened. SO much. It was that bad.

He's trying to avert being sued I think.

Anyway he phoned Alexa today and asked to bring pup in tomorrow (a day early). To check staples and drainage. Alexa is going to tell the practice owners ALL of the things now, she wasn't going to but I WAS FOR SURE.
NO WAY should that all ever happen again.

I told him there were things very wrong with the processes at the practice etc etc lol.
With a calm, slow steely voice. My Lawyer tempo and timbre.
I wasn't "all emotive", so when he heard that he LISTENED and apologised.

I don't muck around with important things.

Emo if you have Netflix please DO watch Brene Brown on there.
She uses a MAGIC SENTENCE now when communicating and explains how she uses it and what she does next.

I'm not saying there's truly any way forward with an abuser, I'll be completely honest with you.

But with others perhaps, "the story I'm telling myself right now" works wonders.
It has for me.

I've found with abusive types that WHEN you express your hurt etc, a lightbulb flicks ON and they hold a record of HOW to hurt you next time. It shows them a chink in your armour.

Armour isn't necessary with people we can trust darling Emo.
In fact they are PROTECTIVE of us, not attempting to hurt us.

You probably know all this.

Hugs,
Love EM

[ecomama]

Oh yeah Blue, ME TOO with my posts to you! Hate that lol.

If my dad was alive he'd explain our communication issues and so many pet's issues with Uranus in retrograde or some Astrological happening lol. He'd say "wait 3 weeks before abc", I would and perfect.

Nup my father didn't have enough pull as they were amalgamating 3 HUGE well known companies into 1. Basically that stint and other practices he did, like keeping my mother's hate mail in a HUGE chest for over 25y to give me et al et al et al lol, shortened his life. It took my step mother 8h to burn that hate mail.

Omg did I begin unravelling worse thoughts than the "deserve to work hard" stuff!! so much with C and psych friend yesterday! It's like they were BOTH waiting for me to bring this up. Esp psych friend who knows me very well. (I work ALL the time, don't like "entertainment" and more stuff).

Tbh I think I'm just too practical lol!

It was more like "I need to be punished" and I know it's deeper than even what they thought... it wasn't abandonment like C said. I don't have it either and I'm glad to hear you say, you don't feel that way. Psych agreed with me. It's embroiled in religious doctrine my mother chose to hammer me with.

Not MY relationship with God now at all.

It was entwined with the loss and grief of "time lost" dealing with the absolute crap of demon, being so subservient for so long in almost every way.
"Allowing" this (even tho I couldn't see another way at all) and needing to punish myself for the decisions I made.

I worked through it yesterday with 3 MH professionals now lol.

I guess anyone with a conscience will question themselves and their actions or inactions at some point. I've done it alot but having that thought POP into my head made me TAKE NOTICE...

my psyche allowing more to come through to my frontal lobe to process, now that I've worked through so many layers of PTSD... gotta love that lol...

THEN ask the questions.

Life raft indeed lol!! oh puncture the thing and swim to shore. Oh yeah, we did already!

I call them leeches. Suck the life, happiness, MONEY (a BIG one for them), our service, our cooking even. EVERY THING.
SO many things I said to demon after we got it out I laugh sometimes lol!!

Talk soon, gotta get washed and rested for work tomorrow.

Love EM

[Guest_4643]

Yes it is shocking, I'm sorry you're going through a lot. I wish I could help more.

Thanks for the kind words, that means a lot. I try to be here for others. Thanks for being there for me also.

Love and hugs back.

PS - hey everyone else, love and hugs to you all too.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Yup, I know, that's why I told you. Knew you'd understand the frustration.

Ha, sounds like my mother-in-law. Personally I don't follow astrology, but it's fun to hear her ideas.

Ah, okay. Sounds like your dad had some work to do on valuing himself, if he spent so much effort hanging onto things that were clearly bad for him. It's an unfortunate story, and sadly pretty common.

Sounds like some good deep and meaningful conversations were had. A lot to unpack there, by the looks. Maybe your sense of "entertainment" just doesn't fit the standard? Or maybe you really do struggle with feeling like you deserve relaxation. I understand the religious dogma side of things, I've seen both the good and the ugly sides of faith, it can certainly be wielded as a weapon by some. Knowing it's your mother's voice not yours is a good step toward shutting down that self-punishing mode.

I am glad you have found a better way to practice your faith. I've some disagreement with my mother's take on it, she's picked up some of the more bigoted interpretations along the way. I guess in any belief system most people are all too willing to narrow their focus and reject other points of view or ways of living. It's disappointing.

Oh dear, I see some parallels, there. Got a beef with myself for allowing certain things to happen, too, as you know. It's hard to shut that down, isn't it? I'm glad you have support and some professionals to nut that stuff out with.

You're right about conscience and questioning our (in)actions, I do it all the time. It's a major function of my personality type to second guess myself, unfortunately, so those things play into each other a lot. Anyway, taking notice of these thoughts counts, these things need to be examined if they are to be brought under control. Damn inconvenient timing though, isn't it?

Bwahaha! Love "puncture the thing and swim to shore". Yup, we did just that.

As we've discussed, even leeches can be useful. These people, not so much. I think of my ex as a bloody great man-child, I think I was more mother than partner to that one, dude didn't know his butt from his elbow. Book smart, sure. No life smarts.

How is it, being back at work? Hope you're finding it grounding, as you've mentioned you do. Kind thoughts to you, as usual.

Blue.

PS Kind thoughts to you also, Tayla, and welcome Emo.

[Emo]

Hi Ecomama,

I'm sorry for my late reply, I'm in a pretty bad way right now. I just wanted to check in with you to see how Alexa's dog is doing now? It sounds like it was so distressing and it seems like the least the vet could do was call Alexa.

I'm glad you stood up to the vet and told him of your concerns. Thank you for saying that I was cared for and your words of wisdom.

I'm unfortunately unable to access Netflix.

Thank you for your offer of letting me post on your thread.

I hope everything that is going on in your life gets sorted out soon. I'm thinking of you all.

Regards,

Emo.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

I'm gonna thank you AGAIN for supporting my minimalism efforts!! lol!! I AM SO FREAKING GLAD I DID THAT, it's made going back to work after changing all those rooms around, easier than it WOULD have lol. I Know thyself!

You made me laugh writing 'great bloody man-child' ROFL!! (Every time I reread that I LAUGH OUT LOUD!). YOU PINNED IT. We think the same way, I was going to write ALL sorts in my post but held back. After D Day when I would NOT put up with bs put on me, I'd say 'oh pull your big girl panties up & do it yourself' & 'go find someone else to change your nappies' - that was mild.

Parasites perhaps, TICKS?

Work is AWESOME lol. Tell you more later. For many years I've said they need 7 people to do my job, and they DO, it's more like 27 ppls work and never ever gets finished. Looks like this year there are 5 more people added to a role similar to mine. I couldn't believe they called for a public show of hands at a meeting yesterday (I could SEE where this was going as I predicted it LAST YEAR) asking who had a specific "training" and 25 ppl put their hands up, then they said "qualifications" and about 15 of those put their hands down, then "post grad degree" in that area... it was me and one other. Then I was asked WHERE I studied and WHAT it was called. Talk about dumb for asking.

I could just see what they were doing, about time really. Shop talk lol.

OMG Blue ALEXA IS GETTING HER CAR!!! OH YAY!
Today the pre-purchase inspection came back in GLOWING form about a Nissan X-Trail. It was $15k and she's getting it for $11k.
One son is going down in p.son's car with Alexa on Sunday to the BIG CITY to pick it up!!
I'm staying home minding our (Alexa's) beautiful dog. She needs 24h care for up to or beyond 10 days. There's around 40cm of incisions in a Y shape around her neck with staples & a huge drainage tube... it's full on Nursing care.

I doubt my father did ANY self-reflection! Having a God complex, why would he? He did alot of amazing things but being a good father to me was not ONE of them. The minute he denied my adopted brother (that HE adopted too!!!) I put it to him that he INCLUDE my brother as much as me or deny us both. I think I was about 8yo.

I've made this pursuit my life's work.
Attempting to 'level the playing field' for all ppl with disabilities.

IDK how we talk ourselves out of feeling angry for bad decisions. It's possibly "regret" in my case, but I have little time for regret tbh. IDK.

Love EM