new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[golden82]

wow EM, what an emotional rollercoaster of a day/s you have had. I hope you will sleep/rest well tonight. Maybe in sleep you can be closer to your darling chicken too.

ps Paws - you have a wonderful way with words. I really feel the warmth that comes from your posts.

[ecomama]

Thanks golden, yes it's been an intense few days (weeks, months, years etc lol).

I had to take kids to work at 7am this morning.

I fell asleep pretty fast just after midnight. I had to wash the kids work uniforms after they got home from work, to begin work AGAIN today.

They're all doing a similar family pattern of becoming workaholics.
If they're not taking shifts left right and centre on top of their regular shifts (which they do), then they're studying on top of this, as some of them are...
JUST like me, just like my mother and father - studying, working, working / studying.
I've spoken to them about this lol...

It IS a way of distraction from the trauma, a way of grounding themselves and as one son said "Getting the anger out by working hard and earning money".
Yeah I know. I've been doing it since 14yo in paid work, before then in unpaid work in a family business. And studying.

So when other families may have issues with getting their kids to get a job / work.
My children need to schedule in "fun times" or else mama gets concerned lol.

Another motivation the kids mentioned was to be the OPPOSITE of demon. The true definition of a leech.

So yes lol I slept well. I'm feeding the chickens atm.
About to see if I can nap again before the next wake up by Alexa.

Yes indeed Paws has a wonderful way with words and expressing compassion and empathy.
You do too golden!
You can really tell when a person's "been there" and "felt that" by posts.

Love to you all
EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

You're right about where I'm at about my babies, I understand so very well. If there is anything ol' Blue is soft about, it's animals. Unlike humans, animals are the embodiment of innocence. They need us but they give so much back just with their presence and with their unabashed communication (for instance Sir Pecks' squeak of "Gimme bath, Mum"). They don't judge, they don't betray, they just are - and for that they are beautiful in a way nothing else could be. This is the bond you had, and you clearly cherish it.

The little bush you got in darling chicken's memory sounds lovely. Hopefully you will have a hippeastrum for her soon. I hate to see you putting guilt and pressure on yourself about burying her swiftly. You want to do it right and have the strength for a ceremony for her and that is fair. I found myself in the same place with a beloved bird at one point, too. If ever you need room to be kind to yourself, it is now, it is so hard to push through grief and the exhaustion of the days you have been faced with. Those last 36 hours, while she lived and needed you, there you were, being an amazing mum to her. Between you and me, I am grateful you did that for her (and for yourself), too.

It's completely understandable you've had little sleep through this, that you cried at such a parting, and that it's hitting you again now. Paws is right, in your home life I don't doubt you feel you need to hold yourself together for your family or simply because it's what you've always had to do, to get through tough times. Here there is no need for that, there is room for grief and tears, and that is okay.

I'm glad too that Yvette is speaking so openly with you. She's got her troubles, but it sounds like she is developing some maturity and strength through it all, with your help and guidance.

Interesting about the family "workaholic" tendencies. I've certainly had my periods of doing a measure of that (with some consternation as my father is a workaholic and I don't much want to be like him, either) - sometimes for distraction, mostly for getting out of big financial holes. It's not in my make-up though, and I've burnt myself out badly. It might be worth making a cautionary tale of that for your kids, I'd hate to think of them ending up like me. We humans are creatures of extremes, swinging wildly away from what we hate and messing things up, going too far the other way. Balance is so important (and bloody hard to attain)!

Kind thoughts to you, EM.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Thanks Blue, it's like I needed 'permission' to be SO not wanting to let darling chicken go.

I miss her so much, it's breaking my heart.

I knew I had to bury her today. I kept procrastinating in a way.

Yesterday I'd thrashed my way thru the very tall weeds to her "spot". Some were 6ft tall and such an issue. I pulled them out just to make a path. Some I had to cut with secateurs at the base.

When I got to her spot and put my shovel in, there were roots obstructing it and I got maybe a cup full of soil, same the 2nd time. It was HOT and I was sad and crying with what I had to do next and the frustration of it all.

I literally couldn't bring myself to take her from my room. I wanted just one more night with her. Even though she was covered up, I knew she was there.

So I worked in the garden today. Used the whipper snipper and cut stuff at the bases too. I was saturated with sweat because it was HOTTER today than yesterday. It kind of felt like I deserved to work so hard, strange acknowledgement of my feelings there. I have Counselling tomorrow morning - another story there, I'll be driving Alexa and her dog to the vet for surgery. Alexa's license expired, her renewal must've been sent to the ex's house and he usually does everything he can to obstruct Alexa.

Anyhow, I brought my dog down to the garden with me. I had to bring soil in buckets from other parts of the garden as I couldn't dig a hole. I showed the dog and he was really inquisitive. Even tried to dig her up after I buried her.

I wrapped her in 2 of the boy's old pillowcases and told her how grateful I was that she came to us and decided to stay with us for so long. That I'll miss her, that we all love her. On repeat.
Framed up timber around her. Bricks too.

The very minute I finished this, the mozzies attacked me. So strange I hadn't noticed them at all all day. I kept working hard in the garden till I couldn't any more.

It's done.

Re: workaholics. I'm 1 for sure.
My father once worked every single day for 14y even weekends and every day through Christmas and Easter. He was a CEO of a company that had made decisions he didn't want them to.
It did not go well for him.

Love EM

[Guest_4643]

Hi all. Just saying hello and I hope everyone's ok once again. Thinking of you all, stay safe and take care everyone.

[Emo]

Hi Ecomama,

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I had to have my baby girl cat 'Princess' put to sleep after she'd been in my life for 17 years. It's the hardest thing you ever have to do.

You should be so proud of yourself for giving your little girl such a wonderful life. I know the loss of my little princess brought up many memories mostly good but some difficult ones as she was the only person I felt I could talk about the issues in my life.

I hope that you can get some time to grieve as I made the mistake of trying to forget and move on but it was the wrong thing to do. You need to be able to honor the place they held in your lives.

Please be kind to yourself, you deserve to be able to grieve. I know you're probably trying to be strong to help your children cope with their grief but make sure you give yourself permission to grieve.

I have wanted to tell you for sometime that I admire how you handle all of the things you have going on in your life. I would have fallen apart with everything you have going on but you always seem so strong and brave. I'm trying to follow your fine example.

Your kids must be so proud of you and all you've done to keep them safe and loved. Please be kind to yourself and make sure you allow yourself time to heal.

Regards,

Emo.

[ecomama]

Thankyou Emo, I'm deeply sorry for the loss of your precious girl Princess. Hugs and more hugs.

I know what you mean about no one else to talk to but our darling pets, they just LOVE us and seem to want to be closer to us when we're upset or sick. Ahh so many memories of my pets doing that, never leaving my side. As Blue said, much better than humans and I completely agree. No judgement, just love.

I have to go now and help my daughter take her very precious dog to the vet for major surgery this morning. Dear God keep her safe, I Pray.

I'll come back and respond much better Emo (and Blue and everyone), I'm pretty upset and yes I do have to hold it together for my eldest daughter this morning.

Rest assured I don't usually have to pretend in front of my children, they're very beautiful human beings Thank God lol.

I've read parts of your thread Emo and I'm here for you as we all are. Please write whatever you want on my thread.

I'm very brave indeed. I had to allow myself to be completely exposed and vulnerable to go through so many Courts and come out the other end, but I was in a much worse state by then.
More layers of PTSD from those horrid experiences.

It took all THAT "airing our dirty laundry" to be completely cleansed of the evil in our lives.
It was freaking TOUGH.

My Lawyer was the sweetest, most angelic person on earth, with a sharp intelligence and real HEART for our family. Some times she even had tears when I spoke with her, I had to hug HER! That was mostly after Yvette's disclosures to Court. She even got her Barrister friends to represent me for one fifth of the price of her!

There ARE good people in the world.
Not many.
But you are most definitely one of them.

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Hey Blue and everyone

I just lost my post to you again lol ho hum.

Feeling alot better now.
Took eldest daughter and her dog to the vet. There's a high chance of success which we hope for ofcourse.
Then went to have daughter's licence sorted. They'd made TWO errors with their 'processing' (or LACK of ughhh the 97% Rule lol) and she had already renewed it last year... long story.
It's done.

Yeah my father died soon after doing that 14y stint.
He hated having to sort out other ppl's bad decisions, so for 14y was GRRRR about it.
We all think that's what created his 'dis' ease.

I've thought alot about the "balance" stuff since a helpline trauma psych told me about the "Wheel of Balance" to look up and actually sat with me whilst we went through it.

Yes my work IS work. I get paid for it. But it's also a field I volunteered in over different years when I was on Leave.

I think when we have 'autonomy' or another word for it is "agency" or a simpler word is CHOICES.... or when we can see it that way if possible, then we have a different perspective, only if we can see it that way.

So I guess in my life, my work is in a grey area... I work hard in my garden but I Love that too, so much that I started Organic Gardens at work lol.
Gardening creates a feeling I can't get anywhere else.

But I always seem to hark back to our ancestors and "movement", meaning we weren't meant to be sedentary beings.

I could barely MOVE last night after 8h hard work in the garden in that scorching heat - I had 1 bath in the morning and 2 showers in the afternoon and night lol!
The break in my back was "agitated" lol... but I kept moving last night to keep loosening it up.

Gotta go grocery shopping now.

I had Counselling and spoke with psych friend already today.
My C brought up something that you might relate to... (psych friend already knew I didn't have it).

It was around a childhood schema that could be being activated with you re: some of the stuff we've talked about from your childhood and adulthood... it's "abandonment".

It could go hand in hand with neglect or our reaction to it IDK.

Thought I'd let you know anyway.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update on Alexa's dog... apparently the surgery was successful but I still can't breathe easily after the distressing call I got from Alexa after she picked her up.

It was traumatic even hearing what Alexa was seeing in front of her so I won't go into details.

I called the Vet practice knowing it was a public hol tomorrow as things didn't seem "ok".

The Head Vet and owner of the practice spoke with me at length (Alexa couldn't speak properly she was in so much distress - I barely understood her and she is my daughter)... and apologised.

Then made himself available for a Home Visit tomorrow and gave Alexa his personal mobile number to call at any time, day or night for an emergency visit.

Just trying to ground myself.
Just worked out that my hands going numb is anxiety / life & death stress.

So now the Vet has made 3 calls to me and to Alexa also, giving us feedback.
What a wonderful person. It wasn't him who did the surgery today.

The Head Vet lives in the next suburb to me and Alexa lives about 30 mins away from us both.
I offered to take any more meds over for the dog tomorrow if they drop them off here.
They said they would rather visit Alexa & her dog tomorrow if that was required.
Thank God really.

I'm great in emergencies but yeah, I'm NOT a Vet!

Oh heavens I'm still shaking.

What a HUGE day with more beautiful pet dramas. And Counselling and work and late talk with BF.

Got to clarify BFs emotions on Saturday somewhat, he was triggered by my story spoken calmly and dry eyed. In all his Blessed Fairy Tale like life, he had one very horror filled time that was triggered.
We got down to business making all sorts of adjustments, measurements and some enquiries for the cabin's plans.

Then the hell of Alexa's dog.

Just now my dog was crying at the top of the stairs and for the very first time wanted to go down into the back yard. He went straight to darling chicken's spot. Looked at me, walked around it, kept looking up at me. I just spoke with him calmly about it.
Heavens what next lol, my dog needs a psych? lol.

I was glad to see nothing disturbed the pyre I built.

Hope everyone has a calm, happy and peaceful day tomorrow.
Love EM

[Guest_4643]

I'm so sorry to hear all of that EM, I'm thinking of you all.