new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

I'm in the long stretch at work, so mostly not functioning for the next several days and probably won't get to answering any other posts for a while, but I did at least want to stop in here today.

I know how much you and the family love darling chicken. I could picture everything in your descriptions of her. Those little things that become so important to your every day. I have so many of those with my two puffballs, it's hard to imagine life without those beautiful moments, and why would we want to? Your grief is so understandable, and I'm glad you feel safe to share it here and tales of darling chicken's life. I'm convinced she knew she was loved and very important to you.

I know you're worried about your partner and Alex's pup on top of that. This is a tough time for you. Kind thoughts and even hugs this time.

Blue.

[Ggrand]

Dearest ecomma...

I am deeply sorry for the loss of your beautiful feathered family member...It’s so sad to hear that she has passed away....God must have needed her to bring some happiness to the little angels in heaven to play with....

Sweetheart..it’s hard I know..in your heart the love you had for her..Please try hard to only remember the fun and happy times you had with her...You gave her beautiful and and loving home...

RIP..Dear beautiful chicken.. 🐔 🙏...

Here if you need to talk lovely ecomma .

My love and comforting hugs 💚🤗...

Grandy..

[ecomama]

Oh thankyou monkey, she had the most wonderful life!

Lots of adventures over SO many years with us.

She brought so much love and happiness to us, you could tell she really appreciated being here with us.

I've got feedback from BF about your air leak lol. I need to post it on your thread soon.

I haven't buried darling chicken yet. The kids needed to say goodbye to her again, they've done this now. Dear P.son can't, he said goodbye to her this week but only a 'see you next time' kind of goodbye.

Thanks monkey,
Love EM

[ecomama]

Thankyou Blue, we have the same heart for our babies lol. I know you understand.

I know. It's hard being in the garden already.

I couldn't get Hippeastrums at all at the Nursery (they wanted to sell me junk plants I rip OUT of my garden! lol), I will keep trying BUT I bought the sweetest, softest PINK succulent in a small bush in memory of her for the front garden.
She'll be buried in the back garden right near her friend. Her favourite place when we weren't home.

Yvette and I have had nightmares the past 2 nights. Even with very little sleep. Me 3h per night broken up with checking on bbg next to me and nightmares waking me up.

Blue I woke up at around 5am and watched her, all the while talking to her and patting her... I watched her take her last breath.

I cried for hours then.

I was pretty good after that but crying again reading all these lovely messages.

I'm so grateful I kept her so close to me for the past 36h.
I probably needed that more than her!

She was one in a million. Bonded with us immediately after being rescued in the aftermath of a low grade cyclone well over 10y ago.

Always in our hearts.

Thankyou Blue, it means alot you came on to message me during your heavy work schedule right now. Thankyou for the hugs too.
Love EM

[ecomama]

Thankyou so much Grandy, your message means so much to me.

I can just imagine her playing with everyone in heaven! My baby brother especially.

May God keep them all in His precious loving presence.

She was so precious Grandy.

I have to bury her soon. The sun has almost left the place I need to dig deep for her. I have to place lots of pavers or bricks over her place so the foxes don't dig her up.

Then later she'll have the happy plants she loved to hide in. And we can see this place from the balcony. If I plant WHITE Hippeastrums we can see the spot all the time.

I love how white flowers glow at dusk. But I think orange or a sunny colour would be more fitting.

Thankyou Grandy
Love EM

[Paw Prints]

Hello Em.

I'm so sorry for your loss... it was beautiful reading how you supported her for her last days... she was clearly very loved & must have felt very safe being held so close to you & having you near as she breathed her last.

Be gentle with yourself lass...

Paws

[ecomama]

Thankyou for your kind and caring words Paws.

I feel terrible saying this but I couldn't bury her.

After my previous post I went inside, heated up some dinner and fell asleep in one of the kid's beds, who's at work tonight.

I could barely drag myself inside I was so tired. It was still so hot and I didn't have the energy to dig a hole and have my ceremony for her.

So now she's wrapped up an old towel, in the air con and I feel bad for not burying her today.

I can't believe how emotional I am when coming on to the forums. I think I'm doing okay, then I come on here and my grief just pours out, like I'd been holding back the dams of it until I come back here.

We only have 2 chickens left now when we had 26 chickens 2y ago.
Today we named the last 2 because Yvette wanted to. Beyonce and Adele lol!

Thanks Paws,
Love EM

[Paw Prints]

Hello Em,

It's not terrible you weren't able to bury her today... I'm sure if she could talk to you now she would tell you it's ok... your falling asleep was nature kicking in... the last few days you have had the emotional stress of knowing you were losing her... plus your lack of sleep... the nightmares... the heat... all on top of the usual strain of running around after your family...

She is beyond harm now... it's ok to wait as long as you need & then bury her when you feel able.

I wonder how much of the "doing ok" is you being a mum & not wanting to upset the kids with your grief... here you don't have to try & be strong for us.

Let yourself grieve lass...

Hugs

Paws

[ecomama]

Thankyou for your words Paws.

I was asking for the okay that it was okay not to have buried her today.

I also have quite a bit of compounded grief memories happening.

Doing okay.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: Yvette, trauma responses, moving towards better MH.

Yvette had a nightmare that woke her up crying.
We've both had nightmares over the past 2 nights and she only shared that this morning with me.

She told me her nightmare and was sobbing. I could see a repeated pattern in her nightmares and spoke with her about what could be being triggered.

Fears of:
Abandonment.
Harm.
No food.
Scarcity.
Loss of loved ones.

I talked about childhood schemas with her, things she may or may not "get" that are being triggered far more deeply than she recognises.
She agreed to the "themes" of her dreams & actually found the schemas concept really interesting.

Her oppositional (defiance disorder) or ODD is slowly melting away layer by layer.
I was given SO MUCH advice over how to handle this by trauma psychs and my Counsellor thank God lol.

She hasn't had a major physical outburst since a few months AFTER I withheld her and all the children from demon, from FACS advice, as terrified as I was that the children would be taken off me and given to demon by Family Law Court.

So this was years ago I withheld the children. A few years since gaining 100% Care of them all.

Our discussion today was a real turning point in our relationship. She cried alot about darling chicken. Loss. Betrayal.

And a close friend of hers disclosed to her last night. (OMG I THOUGHT!) but kept calm and listened intently.
Her friend told her own mum yesterday and they went to the Police same day (THANK GOD!).

Similar to what Yvette had endured.

I asked Yvette if she got shaky, exited to the bathroom quickly, had flashbacks OR was she able to listen and be present with her friend?
I cannot believe Yvette's PROGRESS! She held presence with her friend. After her friend had shared the horror story, Yvette asked if she'd told her mum yet? Yes.
Then offered to attend any thing she needed with JIRT, Police interviews etc. She said her mum will with her (Yvette didn't realise she couldn't, she's only a child herself lol but I didn't take this power away from her by saying this).

My Counsellor will be SO HAPPY about Yvette's progress! I AM OVER THE MOON with it.

Yvette mentioned years ago that she wanted to be a Child SA Psychologist, crikeys I thought.
She knows now that she needs years of healing before studying that intensely to begin with.

Now her only goals are to do dancing, work PT, both of which she loves and "handle" school lol.

Love EM