new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey Tayla. Hope time on the forums is giving you ideas on how to resolve some of your troubles or get a better perspective on them for your well-being. Take care of yourself.

Blue.

[Jstar49]

Hi all,

Oh wow Em, I have just glimpsed a new standard of 'clean'car' LOL! I had to laugh about you not cleaning the engine- altho I think you may be serious...? I was seriously considering cleaning some sand and dog hair out of mine before our weekend away, but, ...nah. Too late now! Maybe I shall reward myself with that another day...;)

Counselling in the morning, then a coupla cheap nites inland, checking out waterfalls during the day. It will be good for H to get away, as last time we went without him.

Speaking of partners, yours sounds lovely Blue. Must be hard to see him struggling with his health, glad the sitch is improving, albeit slowly.

Em, gotta admit to a bit of envy reading about a BF who actually DOES the things he (and you) want done! You must really miss him! I'm praying he is gona be fine. You must be worried....

My H surprised me today. After a stressful day for him, and a difficult one internally for me, he noticed all was not well. I dodged it the first time, cos he was tired, and I didn't feel like getting into it. And then the second time I told him, I've got (eldest D) stuff playing on my mind. he didn't really respond, and so I was feeling a bit sad. I had just accepted that this is the way it is with him, when he came into the kitchen and sincerely connected with me, apologising for dumping his day on me when I was dealing with stuff in mine. So that was nice! Bodes well for our time away. Usually talking about the troubles with D just makes him angry- step d stuff, and feeling powerless. It was lovely to just tell him I was upset today, and then go easy on each other.

Hey Tay, plenty of helpful wisdom here, have you tried anything you liked the sound of? I'm still planning on having a mud mask nite with my d, thanks to your example. I think that would be nice for us to connect with. She's startiing to have the hormones too, so it's probably good to get into some skin care. I rubbed some aloe vera into her skin the other nite after a day at the beach- she didn't like it cos its' 'Slimy- eeewww!" but it was funny!

Cheers all,

J*

[ecomama]

I did it again, ignored the most confronting part of your post..

BFs improving. He'll have a Covid test. We'll see.
Thankyou yes I hope he survives if he contracts it.

But our darling blind chicken has decided she's had enough. She's tucked up in my singlet on my chest right now. She's refusing all water and food, not even taking yoghurt. She's not even talking to me any more. It's like she's passing in and out of consciousness.
All the kids who live here have said goodbye to her now and had their cry and kisses, telling her they love her.

She can sleep on my chest and in my bed tonight. We will miss her so much.

And Alexa's dog's surgery today was unsuccessful. They couldn't even do the surgery they were prepped for, the gland is too far down.
So it's major surgery for her on Monday morning.

One son and I talked about where we'll bury darling chicken. Then we both burst into tears.

Losing beloved pets is such a difficult thing.
Love EM

[ecomama]

Hey Tayla

Sorry to hear you're struggling, hugs!

If there's anything at all you can do for yourself to make yourself feel better, then just take the reins and do it.

I really hope you can see a way forward to improving things for yourself.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Hey J*

I could sense things weren't feeling all honky dory for you, between H and yourself.
It makes sense you've been shutting down if there's an angry reaction from H for opening up.

I've found men want to "fix things". Some men get really angry when they can't. He can't fix this stuff. Not having it all "fixed" means you'll be sad. He doesn't want you to be sad.

But still, becoming angry isn't the solution to this, or most relationship stuff. It just hurts and deepens the chasm. When I said this to BF, he got it and said he's still learning how to hold back telling me things to "fix" my relationships with my kids.

It's a tough situation and you need alot of kindness J*.
I hope your psych is helping?

Yes ofcourse I was serious about cleaning my car engine lol! Doesn't EVERYONE do that??
Only joking. My grandfather was a mechanic and both grandparents taught me how to clean the engine and lots of other stuff. I was a Master at changing tyres in my youth!

I WILL be cleaning my car engine on the weekend AND washing the top with a soft broom. I like the under side of the bonnet all clean too, so that's on the list.

If I have time, I'll remove some panels, where we step into the car, with a screwdriver and clean underneath them. I can imagine the grit underneath there... yuck!

Depends how our pets are travelling ofcourse.
Darling chicken is wrapped on my chest in a miniature baby carrier we made now.
I think she'll leave us tonight but she won't be alone. I couldn't leave her alone. I want her to feel warm and loved till the very end. I don't even care if I have to drive the car with her on my chest tomorrow.

I'm glad you bought a plant today. I find Plant Nurseries peaceful and pretty places to be in too.
Which one did you buy?

I'll plant something on top of darling chicken. She had LOTS of favourite places to be, the little darling. I'll miss her talking to me in the garden, she used to follow me everywhere lol.

Recently I thought that being a "Counsellor in the garden" would be a great thing for ppl ie DOING gardening in their garden whilst Counselling.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

My first post to you disappeared but may turn up...

Not sure if I'd pressed SEND before all the ruckus over darling chicken happened.

Love EM

[Guest_4643]

Thanks Blues, EM & J

[Jstar49]

Oh Em, you darling eco-mumma! Even to poor little chookies!

How sweetly heartbreaking......

You have provided such a lovely end to her life, the darling lucky creature. Special bonding for the family by the sounds...

Hmm, H. Yep, counselling helped heaps. I know what we're dealing with now. Much bigger really than I had suspected, altho I'm not surprised, if that makes sense. I'll digest for a bit and then post on my thread.

You're right, I have been needing support, that much is becoming clear. I guess I'll be doing the ring around with everyone else, cos I need to keep relationship clear atm. Absolutely, he doesn't like to see me sad, tries to fix- we've talked about it heaps. More other stuff there to focus on tho, so need support elsewhere.

O wow, your car! Now if you could only do that for yourself, that would be RADICAL self care! Mine got some air in the tyres and it's oil checked for our trip... LOL!

Take care of Em, as if you were a poor helpless chicken...even tho your'e not...

Love

J*

[ecomama]

Our beautiful darling chicken passed just before dawn & I sat and watched the sun rise without her for the first time in a life time it seems.

She was struggling so much for the past 36 hours, it was painful to see what she was going through.

She would run up to me when I parked the car in the drive way, when I came home from work.
She had this cute little run, her feet used to splay out sideways & she'd hold her wings out racing towards me & the children.

She ALWAYS answered back when we called her name.
If we said her name quickly, she'd answer quickly.
If we called her name slowly, she'd answer slowly.

When I was crying in the garden over those many years of distress, she'd keep talking slowly & calmly, like she was trying to offer comfort. Just nearby me. She was always nearby me in the garden.

BF knew her voice lol, he would ask me to put him on speaker phone so he could say Hi & talk to her. She would answer HIM back too. We'd both laugh & she'd look at me quizzically lol.
She was so sweet.

She had the softest feathers & the softest, sweetest, most loving nature.

ALL the kids who visited our house, even some of their parents, knew her name & would say Hi to her when they saw her, she would answer & they'd laugh.

When other chickens were unwell, she'd stay near them all day.

When her best friend passed away many years ago, she knew where we buried her & stayed there for days. I didn't know if she'd recover from the grief.
When we couldn't find darling chicken ever since, she would be down in the back garden, sitting quietly near her friend, like in a trance of silent contemplation.

When she went blind, our cat stayed near her for protection from the other birds. Our cat was her stalwart protector. Sometimes we'd find them both asleep together, darling chicken nestled in his belly. Our cat slept on my bed last night, right near her. He knew.

Yvette was nearly vomiting yesterday with the grief. She can't see her being buried.
The kids are working today so I will bury her alone.

I want to plant a Hippeastrum with her. Maybe a beautiful sunny colour to match her warm sunny personality. She always brought joy. When any one saw her they would smile & laugh because she was so cute, happy & welcoming.

When the Nursery opens, I'll try to find the right one just for her.

Thankyou for allowing me to express my grief over losing her.
Thankyou for your patience.

Lord keep her till we meet again.
EMxxxx

[monkey_magic]

Aw,

I'm so sorry Em. What a wonderful life she had. Lots of human and animal friends.

She was kept safe, she was cared for and loved.

I don't think she could have asked for any better.

R.I.P. beautiful bird x