new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_4643]

Hey everyone, I'm not sure what to say here but I'm still around

[ecomama]

Hey Blue (& a wave to Tay, J* & anyone else reading - WAVE!)

Thankyou Blue.
I hear you LOUD and CLEAR about asking for help from partners... I think they read from the same Text book! "You only have to ask"... actually no I don't. I have to ask so many times & by then I'm so frustrated that I do it myself.

The thing I said to my 2nd H was "Can't you SEE things need doing?"
I think that's the Step before US having to ask.

Are they literally blind to it all?

I will admit that SOME ppl just see stuff & get onto it.
My 1st H was like that...but then he was such a control freak that it was mental in the end.
10y was enough.
He became violent.
I left. Then he REALLY showed his true colours. Nuther story lol.

IDK it's hard to get a balance in relationships IME.

Oh I can see me still using my portable hanging for 3y too lol... heavy expenses + still kids at home etc AND want to build that cabin,nuther story lol.

I'll ask for help again today lol... moving Alexa's bookcase out of my hallway, we can barely squeeze thru. It can wait in the garage.

Alexa's dog needs a major op now. She phoned this morning.
I could never take that much $$ support from her, not until she's completely set up & completely fine.

I shouldn't have said p.son's my most studious child atm like it was some prize lol. It's not. I'm impressed he can BE so studious in a house with all those kids - & major responsibilities put on him too bec of the kids.

Alexa begins a 2y continued psych Course soon. The others are in school but barely!

I talk with my kids about "their paths" & bringing them back to THEIR paths, not to be swayed by peers / colleagues / anyone.

It's about THEIR level of satisfaction with their lives, not mine. I have zero judgement about it. Just seek to understand what THEIR goals are & support them with those.

Yes indeed Yvette's ODD is difft. I got lots of MH helpline support re: this.
It's slowly melting away.
I told her I'm not OPPOSITE to her, I'm behind her all the way. This helped.
Zero outbursts since FACS told me to withhold the children. She wasn't being assaulted any more, which I she hadn't disclosed at that point.

Yes the reporting of me to EVERY WHERE couldn't be substantiated. Extremely stressful. Sad too. So unnecessary.

Psychopaths have a feeling of GLEE when they succeed harming others.
It's so sick.

Getting branches off the driveway today lol.

Beautiful day!

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hi all,

Ahh lol! Whenever my H offers help on something, conicidentally I am so nearly finished there's no point! And usually if I ask, I get a sulky attitude, like a little kid who has to do his homework.... I call him out on it now, cos I've figured out he does it so he doesn't get asked to do stuff! He has learnt heaps in this past year, so it' getting better. I hear you tho Blue, it's hard to ask if asking makes it harder! I remeber my mum stepping in to do dishes on my younger bro's turn, and when I'd hassle her about it she'd just say, "Oh it's easier to just do it myself!" (He was always 'in the toilet'....) Guys tend to be trained from a young age how to get out of chores grrr!

Hey Em how about gumtree or opshops for wardrobes? So many ppl have built ins that I know our op shop here has tons cluttering up the joint. I'm sure if I was hard up I would get one for a bargain.

Yep I should myself to tears sometimes! I do change it to could, or might, or shall I , quite often. But the there's the other times... Like I could say I need to go to bed now. But inside it's still a should, no matter how much I pretend to change it. The consequences of another late nite means that bed is somewhere I need to be. But I don't want to be. So I should!

Gnite!

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J* and everyone

Yep I hear you about partners loud and clear lol. My fiancee has always been awesome when I've been with him. In fact he's quite meticulous. BUT (and there's always a butt lol) he gets really lost in projects and can't distract himself at all very easily - gets annoyed if anyone does.

And I know this will be a problem bec HIS choice of projects are not practical ones (atm).
He doesn't really have the need to BE practical with so much spare time on his hands atm.

But I love that when something needs doing, he sees it, does it, doesn't even talk about it. I turn around and it's done. Laundry done. Dishes done. Cooking done. Grocery list done.

Last week we chose new knobs for "our" bedside tables in Seattle lol, 9 on each. omg the DETAIL he's going into to fix them on properly. The choices we had! Funnily we chose exactly the same ones. They look great!

When he was here last he didn't like the lighting over the sink and kitchen bench (he's a mad foodie like me) so when we were out at Bunnings he just bought a BEAUTIFUL classy light fixture & installed it. Luckily we liked the same one lol. Bought the globes to fit. Done.

Love that.

The things he's planning to do here make my mind boggle lol... an outdoor cinema, "hot tub" lol, rewiring the whole house... uplighting for the trees! lol... you can tell he grew up in a suburb like Hollywood. Oh well that's cute.

Yeah thanks for the headsup about my wardrobe situation J*... There are 2 downstairs I COULD use... just gonna get thru the next few months before moving heavy stuff around again. It ook 4 of us to move the bookcase going to Alexa's down to the garage!
Not even sure that I WANT the cupboards d/stairs, trying to "sense" what I want in my new bedroom.

I have a beautiful, tall, glass doored cupboard still in it's boxes in my bedroom. It could be nice as a bookshelf / cupboard but I'm not totally sold on the idea. Might be nicer in the loungeroom if it will fit... not much wall space. Strange room. 3 walls of windows. TV against the only solid wall... atypical lounge room.

I'll put it together once I move furniture in April and see what I think.

Oh I also have a dressing table in storage downstairs, with a beautiful big mirror I could use. IDK.

There's SO MUCH to use already, I don't want to spend more on any furniture tbh.

Once the cabin's built I might put in Built ins at same time as cabin's built ins... a year after it's built (for tax reasons).

Gotta see!

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: p.son's visit & other stuff

Today I woke up late bec we were all up late with a party my son organised.

P.son visited for a few days and it was really nice to have him here. He was quiet though. He's still losing weight, he's thin already, and doesn't seem to be eating well. He's grown taller!

Alexa & grandkids got to see him. ACs no, although he spoke with them.

Things are stressful for Alexa, her beautiful dog needs surgery tomorrow. Maybe again next week too. Things between us are not totally okay, maybe they'll never be again IDK. There's lots she needs to say to me, and is holding back. My C said she should and work it out with a MH person. Not put it on me IDK.

Today I need to write drafts for my Leniency apps, maybe have BF look at them before I put them thru.

AND wash & vacuum my car - it's raining lightly. Alexa said she vacuumed it after using it for 2 months, but the dog hair and stuff is everywhere.

Service and Rego check for my car tomorrow. I'll be taking their loan car for the day.

Then perhaps visiting my young friend with 4 children whom I met thru my work when she was a child. We've been in almost constant contact for 25y. They love an hour away so it's quite a trip nowadays lol.

Off to begin my drafts and cleaning my car is my reward lol.

EMxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM, J* and all,

I certainly didn't mean to suggest my partner deliberately dodges doing jobs. He is genuinely much more absent minded and forgetful since the surgery (probably all the meds he's on), is very aware of it and frustrated by it. Added to that he has had a lifetime of very poor health teaching him to not do jobs if he doesn't have to. Just getting dressed pre-surgery would sometimes result in him needing his oxygen bottle. I can't stress enough that he's not the person you guys are describing. My exes yes, not my partner. We are working together to combat his habits and forgetfulness.

He has on occasion caught me doing what you guys described - getting so frustrated I've just done the job myself - and is inevitably contrite. Many apologies and cuddles - but also, very importantly, action. If the job I'm doing is complete or nearly so, he asks "What else can I do that will help?". I suggest a job or two and he immediately sets about doing it, no ifs or buts. The asking is really hard for me and he knows that, unfortunately he gets really down on himself for forgetting things because of it. Again, it's a thing we're working on together.

I do agree it's hard to get balance in relationships - my exes sure weren't any good, and I wouldn't swap that for the controlling and violent kind (I kind of had one of those, but he didn't back it up with doing much housework). Sounds like your current partner is of a mind to spoil you rotten with the things he does when you live together. Hot tub and all, nice. 😉

Sorry to hear Alexa's dog needs surgery, poor thing. I don't blame you for not wanting her to spend up big on you at a time like this. I guess her psych course won't be cheap, either.

Great work encouraging your offspring to take their own paths in life. My folks neither encouraged nor discouraged, so I just ended up wherever. Not knowing what I wanted didn't help, I guess. Good work also with working through Yvette's ODD, I'm sure it isn't easy.

Yeah, psychopaths are exactly that, sick. Problem is the lack of conscience makes them perfectly adapted for "looking" well adjusted. Monkey see, monkey do. It's scary.

Frustrated on your behalf re the car vacuuming. I guess that's the least of your worries with Alexa right now. It's worth noting that if she wants to succeed as a psych herself, she will need to know when she needs one and how to accept that avenue of support. Just sayin'. No, she shouldn't put it on you.

Kind thoughts, EM.

Blue.

[Guest_4643]

Hey everyone, I hope you're all doing ok.

I'm still around, just not sure what to say.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, Tay, J* and all

Oh good! I'm glad you have a wonderful partner Blue and I'm sorry for his health issues.
It must be tough on both of you, hugs!

My fiancee may have Covid. He was very ill yesterday, only a few days after returning from Los Angeles, where it's rife. His company sends out regular Covid tests to their engineers who travel. I've not brought up the stats I checked many months ago that showed the best tests were only 70% accurate. They're not using the best tests.

He didn't answer his phone today which is HIGHLY unusual.
I don't like that he has asthma and some other health issues 😞
But he's usually robust & healthy so I hope he can regain his health.
Hate that he's so far away and I can't help him.

Yes I agree 100% about Alexa seeking MH support. 100%.
But as my C said, I've mentioned it to Alexa. Encouraged her. If I say it again I sound like I'm nagging. She's a big girl and needs to do this herself.

Yvette had a huge issue at work today and even though she got upset, it wasn't for long.
She resolved the issue by "taking the high road" even though from what I knew, it wasn't up to her to apologise. She did anyway and this supervisor is moving anyway! Lol... apparently everyone at the store can't wait lol.

I love this kid but he treats Yvette like his sister and has BAD relationships with his sisters & all his family. He creates drama.
Anyway the point being Yvette handled it all well.

Oh my! The car is almost immaculate! Washed and vacuumed - mostly lol. I got an old toothbrush & scrubbed all the parts inside the open doors even lol.. tyre rims got a toothbrushing too. Armour alled all the insides & black parts. Didn't clean the engine but it's getting a Service tomorrow.

I got saturated lol and have dishpan feet lol.
It's a big car and me being short, I found it hard to reach areas.
I need to do the roof on the weekend! lol.
So as long as you look from the roof DOWN, it's swish! lol.

I'm taking the zippy loan car way up to my friend's house tomorrow. Then back to take kids to work and hopefully pick up my car!
That trip would cost about $20 in my V6, but in the loan car, about 20c lol, maybe a tad more 🙂
It's free to loan, just have to fill up the tank on return, I LOVE this mechanic lol.

5 late nights picking up kids.
Alexa MIGHT have a car soon! She found one half the price she was going to spend. It was $10k down to $7500. This is helpful in reducing her anxiety over such a major purchase.

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

He is a wonderful partner. The health stuff is improving, what I described was why he had the surgery and general functionality for him is much better now. There is a lot of re-learning his body and re-training his habits as, up until about six months ago, any form of exertion was no go if he wanted to remain conscious (literally) and now he is meant to do physical things to be healthy. Complete switcheroo, so very big adjustment for both of us. It has been a heck of a ride, that's for sure.

Oh damn, that's not good. Have you heard from him yet, EM? I can imagine it's pretty stressful for you at the moment. Here's hoping either you're wrong or that his generally good health gets him through.

Re Alexa, seems like a case of "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink". She is literally training to do the job that gives you the skills to know when someone needs professional support. It is most definitely up to her to get herself together and use that understanding in her own life.

Sounds like Yvette is smoothing things over to let this supervisor just move on and not create more trouble than anyone needs. Whilst the injustice of this business of apologising when the other guy is in the wrong really does my head in, I guess I understand the motivation. Good on her for dealing with it as she felt was necessary and moving on.

Wow, you really went to town on that car. I've never done that with any car I've owned. No toothbrush is involved in my cleaning, that's too hard basket territory, haha. Your car must be sparkly now. Except the roof! Hose and a soft bristled broom should resolve the worst of that.

Enjoy the zippy loan car. Sometimes it's fun to drive a little buzzbox like that. My car is small and pretty zippy, great for my needs and still takes a pretty good load of stuff if I have to move things. Nice that your mechanic has a free loan car. I had a mechanic like that once upon a time. He moved on years ago, though.

I can imagine you're tired from all the late nights. Getting some naps in?

Oh nice, I hope Alexa is happy with the car situation and that the one she's looking at ticks all the boxes. I get the anxiety over big purchases. Spending the money isn't so bad, but you want to know you're spending it right.

Blue.

[Guest_4643]

Hey everyone. I'm thinking of you all. I've been struggling myself and been going through the forums, replying to some posts and/or just scrolling. I'll reply to my own thread at some point. Take care everyone.