new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_4643]

Hey Sleepy, that's true. I'm sorry to hear that

[Guest_498]

Sleepy, indeed its a tough, challenging balance of being weary of ppl and feeling lonely. Its extremely difficult. I hate the feeling. Id like to trust someday

[Guest_1643]

hi Blubs - quite a few times being so suspicious has led to me shutting down good people but I'm just tryign to protect from the bad things happening again. Also I've done a great job shutting out my family but every so often I feel bad about that. It's always hard finding a way to let ppl in while protecting from danger. Everytime I reach out to someone I could get hurt and it seems like a high chance that I will, a lot of the time.

[Guest_498]

Shutting down good ppl is not good but i understand your reservations, im the same.
So I took a chance .. Im out at a shisha joint atm. Having a good time. I met this man at court earlier this year when i had the case with my Spanish/Australian ex, he spoke to me and invited me to his place of business. Im here. Got bored at home. Hes nice...I meant personality and hes kinda cute. Lol. He remembered me. Asked me to leave my number. I did that. There it is.

[Guest_4643]

Sounds good Bluberry

[Guest_498]

Ive shut out my family too, sleepy. Theyre not family, theyre strangers to me now. I often feel bad aswell but I know that I shouldn't feel guilty about it, as it is best for me. I feel better without any cobtact. Im safe now.

[Guest_498]

Yeah, he's nice so far. Just left. Hes got a cheeky smile with dimple on his cheek. Nice body too. Big broad shoulders. Theyre nice
Thanks, Tay Tay. How r u feeling today?

[Guest_4643]

Sorry to hear about your family.

I'm ok, how are you?

[ecomama]

Hi everyone

Our NBN has been down for a few days lol so that's why I was so quiet!

And during that wonderful time lol... sarcasm... we also had a dreadful heatwave. Simply unbelievable heat.

Anyway I got STACKS done inside the house lol... repaired favourite shoes... Alexa said she has a real problem with "object permanence" and when she explained the concept, I realised I do too... hence "the way things are" in my home...
Anyway I discovered this tub of shoes to repair so I DID them ALL!
You wouldn't even BELIEVE how many pairs I have left after almost going through the lot... so much for "minimalist" lol.

I began cleaning / organising prodigal sons room and belongings to move. Moved out one lounge by myself, we have more furniture coming out of there when I can get some help.

You know about a month ago I was feeling SO LOW about Christmas etc etc... I was almost going to pull a total OUT on it all.
But then I thought about it and figured WHY should I exclude myself bec I had crappy ppl in my life?
So I decided to PUSH forward with anything & everything I WANT to do for Christmas, regardless of ANYONE else.

On Friday I bought some HUGE baubles & tinsel for my 2 pine trees at the front of my garden.
I'll put them up next Friday.

Oh a catch up - YEAH the "dental spa" LOL! omg I have a bajillion issues with my teeth, so many, it's crazy. I have TWO appointments with them this week & probably 2 years of work to get done.

Absolutely have to download some Super to help pay for that too.

I severely neglected my teeth during all the Courts + 18 months due to high pressure repaying everything. PTSD blah blah... working FT, kids.
And for all those years I was grinding my teeth in my sleep, so yeah. Awful.
I'm still in pain but hopefully not too long before that's gone, I Pray.

Anyway I got my balcony totally spruced up too.
Looked at lots of narrow living room spaces on Pinterest & decided how to "Stage One style" my loungeroom.

Yvette worked STACKS and seems to be feeling a bit lighter. She refused to get a blood test the GP ordered - her first ever one... that will take some gentle encouragement.

The helpline Psych said to be able to help Yvette, I HAVE TO practice radical self-care remember?
I also feel I have to be age appropriately HONEST with Yvette also. I told her about me calling a helpline & what she said to me about that.

So I think Yvette thinks we're more of a "team" now.

I've missed you all.
EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

Hey EM

I'm so impressed you can mend shoes yourself!!( maybe everyone knows this...? Cool nonetheless)

Souinds like ur doing an amazing job supporting Yvette.
How does it feel with everything looking shmick in the house? I did a bit myself here... I'm glad you're doing well and so busy. Hoping the kids are going great, too.