new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_4643]

Hey again ecomama.

Thank you for responding to my Coping Through Covid thread, I replied back to you and others there.

I'm trying my best, I hope you're doing OK too.

Love Tayla.

[ecomama]

Hi Blue

I'll try to find your thread soon.

Yes ex demon went to town on us all, and our pets big time, our property - absolutely all of it.

Everything. Psychopath.

Lucky to be alive and still kicking lol!

It's a strange existence really. So alien to my life before meeting demon.

But it is what it is and up to me and the kids to make the best of it all.
What else is there to do really?

Yes I SHALL indeed push for what I want in my bungalow.
I don't need to push at all lol... I asked BF to bring ANYTHING up about the design that he's concerned about, so it was an open invitation to him.

SO he will!

BF is a much bigger person than me, more than a whole foot taller lol and just bigger lol.

So I asked him to "size" the toilet space!
LOL!
He thought THAT was an odd (and improper lol) place to begin - like I said, he's very old fashioned in lots of ways lol!
He actually wanted the toilet INSIDE the bathroom and no way, that's not happening.

No way could I stand ANYONE, not even HIM, using the loo when I'm taking one of my peaceful, relaxing baths lol. Emphasis on PEACEFUL.

So he laughed and agreed! He doesn't have baths, just showers.
He is SUCH a jolly, agreeable, gentleman most of the time.

So he's going to space out the toilet so there's plenty of room for him to use it.
Oh I just remembered, I'd like a narrow basin in the loo!
I'm texting him changes overnight as a LOVELY job for him to do in the morning (whilst I'm asleep!).
I'm just the sweetest girlfriend lol - NOT!

ok that text about the change is sent now.

We'll have to make the ceilings pretty high too bec his son-in-law is taller than him lol.
I expect they'll visit and could stay in the bungalow between tenants.
Hopefully lots of times.

Plus my sons have some pretty tall friends too.
It must be hard for tall people to rent some places.

All fine here.
Work's so busy atm.
I'm taking leave from just before Christmas for a month or so.
Perfect time for changing rooms around but I might wait till Autumn before painting. It's just too hot and it could adversely affect the paint jobs.

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

Hello everyone!

Hope you are all doing amazing. Lovely to see this busy thread and to have each flowing and friendly discussion. EM bungalow sounds really exciting. Go you!!!

What are you planning for ur leave?
I hope u are all doing well.

[Guest_4643]

ecomama - wow that sounds horrible, I'm so very sorry to hear about all of that. I'm lost for words, you poor thing & your family & pets.

Sleepy21 - hey there, nice to hear from you. I was off here for a while. how are you?

[ecomama]

Hi Sleepy!

Yep I'm pretty excited about the bungalow because WHAT I ENVISIONED before the Courts began WAS this in my back yard!

So THAT'S the exciting part. I was able to secure the home through ALL those years of Courts.
Miraculously. It's in MY SOLE NAME now and I'm gonna USE IT lol!

I love designing anything lol.

But with this as a very long term structure, I really want to get as much as I can RIGHT before we begin ofcourse.
Hence the 12 - 18 month time frame just for the designing of it.

LUCKY tenants! I saw my "accidental" Mulberry bush has sprung up to about 5 foot tall with all this rain, and it's in THEIR back yard lol!
So sweet.
Plus an accidental lemon tree!
They already have a macadamia there lol.

I reckon our lovely almost 100yo neighbours are leaving, 😢. I had a cry last week about missing them.
No doubt the new owners will want to replace the LOOOOONG fence the moment they move in.

So that'll be soon I guess. Need to save for that first.

THAT fence will be one side of the long path I need to make for the tenants.
I'll be fencing off the other side so there's NO access to my garden at all by the tenants.

The bungalow's land will reduce my garden by STACKS but there's still so much garden for us.
I need less to manage as I age lol.

But allowing dogs also brings it's own considerations.
I want a dog poo disposal / composting system for them to use. I'll be researching that closer to the time of tenancy bec developments occur all the time in the world of organics.
Plus a regular composting system.

This just saves the tenants bringing it all up in their garbage bins and increases fertility in the soil.

My PLANS for my leave do you say?
Well it's NOT going to the U.S. to see BF as pre-Covid plans were, that's for sure.

I'll be changing rooms around!
Ripping up carpet etc, it's a massive set of jobs.

Coping with Uncle's reno antics lol.
Minding grandkids & dogs for working parents.
Driving kids to work 24/7 lol.
Ripping out resurfacing lantana - yay lol.

My goal for self-care will be posting here, going to the beach once a week AND keeping my Cafe dates with the older ppl.

That's probably TOO much for "holidays" lol.

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

I see you found my thread, I'll get to that in a jiffy.

Damn, pets and all? You really have been through it.

I had to chuckle at you focusing on the toilet as a starting place for your plans (and your partner's reaction to it). I think there is a cultural difference there, Aussies are fine with toilet talk, we don't call them bathrooms or water closets - a loo is a loo, haha. I don't blame you for not wanting a toilet in the bathroom. I had that setup when I was renting - it's common in little units. If I leaned forward a bit on the loo I'd hit my nose on the sink. Not nice!

Do try and remember to rest a bit during your leave. That's important.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hi Blue

Yes, I've been through more than you can imagine.

I spoke with a psych today (I have lots of them in my circles lol) and she said I'm suffering from "Secondary Trauma" as well as the primary traumas.

EG every time Yvette discloses more or the other children describe some horror they went through bec of demon AND how they feel about it all...
I'm traumatised because they are.

It makes more sense now.

I've been so tired and lacking energy the past few months... unless they find some dreaded "thing" with all these medical tests, it could be all the disclosures the kids are making.

Yes.
Pets too.
Hence the sad graves of them all.
But they're resting in peace now.
Even all that occurring to me at once was traumatising.

Onto a happier topic... Yvette said darling chicken should still sleep in my bed at night lol.

And my BF calls a toilet a "restroom" lol!
And all his family still say "I need to go potty"....

When I explained to BF that that's what little toddlers might say here when they're toilet training, he was shocked and embarrassed! Lol.
Needless to say he reverted back to calling it the restroom lol.

Bungalow Plans: BF has put my floor plan into his software program and put a configuration in it that scales every room according to the dimensions of the toilet!
LOLOL!

Then he'll take that configuration off of it and we can fiddle with the sizes of each room then.

He agrees with the basin in the toilet because he's a cleanliness freak, so am I in my own organic way lol.
He's super clean. I prefer a bit of dirt and germs to keep immunity up and allergic reactions down.

But right or wrong he wants a wall between the kitchen and dining / loungeroom.
It's NOT happening. Lol.

He's thinking of a HOUSE there, not a bungalow.

I want an OPEN PLAN area, plus alot of light. It won't happen with a wall right there.
Alexa agrees with me so that's the end of that lol.

He also suggested to put the bathroom BETWEEN the bedrooms and I said no to that too.
Having all the wet areas on the sunny side cuts down chances of mould.
It also keeps costs way down having all plumbing on one side of the house.
Anyway this belongs in the Home Improvement Thread lol!

Talk soon
Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: Medical tests

I'm feeling quite ill. The stomach problems are causing more pain than usual. The lumps under my arms are still uncomfortable.

Mammograms today.
I don't like what the Dr said on the referral. She thinks it's breast cancer.

So I'm afraid. Really afraid for my kids. I'm trying not to let this overwhelm me.

I'm really tired too. So much more tired than usual. I'm napping sometimes just bec I can't stay awake.
Last night I had leftovers for dinner and took cereal to bed for dessert.
Then fell asleep around 7pm.

I woke up at 2:30am and decided to get up and check on animals and kids.
All fine.
Then I felt the pains in my body and cried about it all.

I ran out of Liposomal Vit C and forgot to get more from Alexa yesterday. Hopefully she'll drop it off this morning while I'm out. Taking loads of this has had amazing effects for ppl.

Yvette sees her new GP at an all female clinic this afternoon.

I can't stop thinking about 'financial arrangements' for the kids.
Maybe I can open my last Superannuation statement... I just file them unopened in the filing cabinet lol. I know the amount doubles or triples upon my death but I can't remember which lol...

Double wouldn't cover the mortgage.
Triple would I hope.
Money is left aside for the youngest children till 18yo... so that's a consideration also.

Anyway I need to speak with Alexa and ask her not to buy a house just yet. She would have to move in and take over care for the children. Cheeses I hope the Court Orders stand! I'll have to speak to my Lawyer if things are nasty with my health.

I know Alexa WON'T want to 'have the conversation' but she must.

And my Uncle is the other Executor.
He's pretty rational and understands the importance of hearing everything now.

Trying to work out things afterwards in throes of confusion and stuff is not good.

Still.... I'd prefer to get through it lol.

I love my job and want to be around for my kids. Plus I'd love to be able to live with my fiancee one day.

We have such a beautiful life when we're together.
It's what we're both looking forward to.

He said he'd help the kids, he's done more for my children than their biological father ever did, but it's not the outcome I plan, it's just what I have to plan for which is difficult to talk about.

EMxxxx

[Sophie_M]

Dear Ecomama,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry about how you have been feeling. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 
 

[ecomama]

Thankyou Sophie_M

Yes I'm sad at the prospect of ill health but I've been there before so I'm not completely overwhelmed, but thankyou.

I feel pretty well supported with IRL people.
I know more people would help more if things turned out to be not so good there.

But I would call the BB helpline or more likely 1800RESPECT because they have our history, should I feel any worse.

Tbh I would never phone the suicide lines, ever again.
They were awful when I phoned them years ago.
I felt far worse after speaking with them.

I have a strong faith which helps in all times, thankfully lol.

Thankyou for your concern.

Love EM