new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[monkey_magic]

Morning EM,

I'm a good egg whose been misrepresented and treated like a bad egg. I guess that's turned me into an extra good egg.
I'm so furious. The mental health system has mistreated and poisoned so many ppl and continue to do so. I'm still in the thick of it. I am surrounded by those in the grey and 100% areas.

So you've had a lot of experience with abusive types. I hope you're ok, truely. Staying away from them is the best thing you can do. Not that you need me to tell you this.

It's a cool and sunny day here. Hope you have a good one.
🌻

[ecomama]

Dearest monkey_magic

Well it's good eggs all around lol... more of my chickens are back on the lay so it's SUNNY SIDE UP for us! lol.

Indeed you know you have my full support for going at this evil process and I surely hope you WIN.

Did I tell you the funny story of the "Full Restoration Prayer" behind out toilet door?? lol!
I told anyone who used our loo that no matter whether they 'believed' or not they had to read it all whilst seated lol! FIVE years of telling people to read that Prayer lol... eventually everyone just said "I know... READ the Prayer..."

And it worked... it's working... I'm so grateful.

That book Illusions and even Oprah (lol) says things like "Imagine your life in the best ways possible and know that _______ (insert whatever... God The Universe The IS...) has imagined it far better than you could ever have imagined."

That happened.

Paint it. Visualise it. Be happy as though IT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED.

This my full Restoration Prayer for you.

Love EM

[monkey_magic]

Morning!

Sunny side up!!

You are an incredible human EM to write such touching sentiments.

Yay my psychology apt is over and now I can go and enjoy the rest of my day.

His report of me is miles better than reports of psychiatrists.

Have a lovely day
😄

[ecomama]

OMG!!!

WOOHOO!

That is FAN FAIRY TASTIC news monkey_magic!!

Yay!

I shall celebrate with a hot milo lol!

Getting there gf.... slowly slowly catchy monkeys lol. I'm so happy for you.

You got this.
EM

[ecomama]

Update: Counsellor, ending psychologist sessions.

Lovely Counsellor's session this morning. Monthly now, that's good.

I told C that I ended psych and why. She completely agreed that what psych said about DV, the "shaming" and banging on about me not working anymore was way out of line.

So I'm happy I'm done with psych.

C wondered how a book about evil completely freed me, she said it was "ironic" and I totally agree.

There just aren't that many good people.
Some are good-ish but a truly altruistic person is a rare find.

Most people are completely self seeking and that's fine, now I know lol.

So much study etc etc but it was all worth it to get here.

Life's so much easier now I've stopped searching for the "good" in people. I just feel better, so much happier and can see the "others" far more clearly now.

The weird thing about work? My boss wants me to go for a promotion. 🙄
Been there done that, I like where I am right now.
It works for me and for my family atm.
I just said thank you lol.

So much has changed in these years I was dealing with far too much.

My eyes are slowly opening to the new world I'm in.

I'm deeply grateful to have this life and all that's in it.

I'm extremely proud of the achievements I've made, most especially for ending DV and FV in our lives. It took hard fought battles that I won, and will continue to fight and God willing win those too.

EM

[ecomama]

Update: More "D Days"...

I spent most of yesterday and today doing yard work.

Yesterday I had ED and grandchildren helping.
Today I worked alone with bf on the phone lol.

Yesterday we planned on building a fire pit but we couldn't get to the bricks due to tree loppings etc in the way. We started a small fire and ended up clearing about 9m x 6m of everything. 4 x that left just in back yard... getting there lol.

I found SO MUCH garbage.... I cared for this garden for years and never ever left garbage in it.
ex had dumped LOADS of garbage from his work.

I dug out 9 steel beams from the ground, some yesterday more today. Probably a trailer load of treated timbers. SO much.

I was shocked.

It had banked so much of this against the fence, the fence was pushed over. Palings pushed out.

I know there's more, even more than I found today and I'm really afraid that it took and destroyed everything I stored downstairs. I haven't got to that area much yet, it's too sad.

Today I decided to get a ladder and clean out the front gutters of the house. Plants were growing in there and it was REALLY odd. Not in 20y has there ever been plants growing there. I even lopped tree branches to reduce leaves and it has dramatically done this.
I could reach to clean about 6m.. one end leads to a pipe to a water tank. I saw soil coming out onto the porch this week...

As I was scooping out the unbelievable amounts of soil... I told bf it looked like potting mix. It was stuck up right under the tiles... like packed in everywhere... He said it could be... I said no, no way, that's ridiculous.

Then I took the ladder to the water tank because plants were growing on top of it too... I started pulling the plants out and there was soil everywhere.... then I found THREE PAVERS stuck into the strainer.

ex had blocked it all up.
this caused flooding into our roof cavity...

It was potting mix... I went and rechecked it all in the garden, hardened in strips.

It's a psychopathic maniac. Still causing grief and hard work. Trying to destroy our home into the future.

From it's tiny rented room with all it's addictions and diseases. A living hell. No better recipient.

Karma's a beach and it's a beautiful view.

Luckily I'm a very hard worker!

EM

[monkey_magic]

Hi EM,

What a nasty piece of work. So glad he's no longer living with you, that's just wrong. He obviously has no regard for anyone's feelings.
Disrespectful so & so.

An image came to mind of someone I used to rent a granny flat off- he lived in the house. Some people just have no human decency or humanity...ermmm animals perhaps...but animals would behave better.

Really really glad he's away from you and the kids.

[ecomama]

HI monkey_magic

SOOOOOoooooo glad he's nowhere near us now.

Got the kids 100% which is practically unheard of in Family Law this century.
Got the house in my sole name.
Victim's Services put in CCTV cameras probably just after he did the potting mix palaver...

I know how we live (well) and just simply WHO we are drives it mental... it wanted to destroy us.

Diddums.

Potting mix... like what the... pavers.... who would even think of this garbage...

I know it will never give up wanting to destroy us. We had to deal with 3 police events this year, only one malicious reporting incident for a change... basically the Police ignore it now. FINALLY.

The CCTV works BOTH ways.... it tells when I'm home also... so malicious reporting of me doing stuff I would never do is out the window lol! It covers ALL entrances and exits to the home.
Mostly I'm working in the garden!

It destroyed all the photos of my grandchildren... on all sites.

Then last week my youngest children found some game devices from years ago and there were ALL these cute, and some blurry lol, photos of them all.
I'm thinking to get them printed somehow for eldest daughter for Christmas.

OH AND GUESS WHAT???
Sorry I was just interrupted by one son coming to tell me he's bought his first car lol!
So many cars here now lol.
I'm thinking of getting them dash cams for Christmas (not telling them why but they'll probably work it out).

Breaking free seems to take forever. Some things, like the SAs, will take a long time to recover from.

I'm thinking Fairy Lights will help alot lol. IDK just keep trying I guess.

Love EM

[Guest_498]

OMG everything sounds like a BIG nightmare!! I would've lost it already by now!! Any destruction caused to property is absolutely psychopathic. Remember I told you Em, that my property got damage? I know the feeling, except mine was done for an intended purpose. Erm, I guess so was yours!! That's absolutely psychopathic, nothing more.

[ecomama]

Blubes I lost it all right lol... I've been in therapy for years!

Now I've "found it" ie the knowledge that NOTHING absolutely nothing is beneath this demon.
Nothing.

I didn't "lose it" today.... it was actually BF who said "maybe it IS potting mix baby.." it was me who just keeps thinking "no it couldn't be THAT evil / stupid / vindictive blah blah blah" but "it" is.

I was just asking my bf "how could it do this TOO?... like WHAT possesses a person? Like what the ...?" on and on..... then...

I caught a glimpse of the water views... it was brilliant weather.. sun was shining....
I laughed and said that stuff about it living in a tiny rented room, with it's screwed up head and addictions of EVERY kind... every single one.... thinking it "got" me by whatever else it's done...

flooding the house as it did so many times I lost count.
smashing every single thing I owned... sometimes when something wouldn't smash, it would pick it up and keep smashing it... can you imagine little kids and their tender little feet... it left nails sticking up... it broke our 3 storey high balcony railing.... little kids with their little trikes...

I'm astounded we weren't more severely wounded. I can't even describe the "accidents" it had at me in the garden with shovels and heavy timber meeting my head and feet.

I was a dancer for decades... can even "floss"now lol!... so my quick reflexes saved me more than once.

My brakes failed coming down a mountain, I dodged so many trucks and Prayed the lights would turn green and they did... nursed my car to the mechanic, he was shocked as they'd just been replaced... so much damage to my car... all by "unknowns" apparently.

NOW I know there were zero "accidents" they were all intentional acts of violence.

Yah we're free... physically at least.

My Super took a year to recover, yeah baby lol.
The house literally more than doubled in value 18 months after settlement.
The trees it poisoned with its narc mother are the ones I'm lopping all the time as they die slowly... which I used to cry about.... now whatevs... it's all opened up our water views to this vast almost 180 degree water views...

My kids now have money as it's not here to steal it all.
Another car lol and everyone now knows none of it was me.
I'm not the thief nor the abuser.
The kids are all working part time and ahead in their assignments at school (for the first time in ages).

Yes I'm angry but awfully content! lol.
Love EM