new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

blondguy said:

Hey EM :-)...When I mentioned a 'pattern' I was just saying adult kid(s) can be a health hazard !!

I only meant that our 'adult kids' can be a never ending frustration...I was agreeing with you about adult kids!

Sometimes I post without explaining myself properly...sorry..I should have said....' seems to be common'. My wonderful 27 year old daughter started being a pain at 13 after being an angel.....and all the health professionals told me at the time was.. 'its only hormones and wont last long'...lol..

You are a Bionic woman EM for having the energy and coping skills you have with adult kids

you are a star 🙂

Paul

Crikeys Paul SNAP on the Adult kids thing. They're all still too young because they all think they know everything and ofcourse WE KNOW NO-THING.

They used to come straight out and start telling me stuff as if I didn't know. I responded by saying "I wasn't born yesterday but thankyou for thinking I look that young!" lol. NOW they say "You probably know this but....."
Ahhh the effervescence of youth - SO refreshing. You really know you're alive.

I have a bunch of children still at home and I'm still "parenting" the ACs lol. God give me strength.

If one son doesn't hurry up and get his P plates soon then shortly I'll have FOUR all on their Learner's permits with ME as their only teacher .... okay tbh ONE AC gave one child a long drive. Thanks guys lol.

IDK it's best not to fret about the future. I'm doing the Joe Dispenza thang and putting my visions for the future out there.

As the ACs are having their children, though, it's been quite a humbling experience for them all... "So Ecomama (lol) how DID you breastfeed 3 at once?"

Life is much easier than then. When I was breastfeeding for about 14 years, during the continuous night feeds I would say to myself "They'll grow up and it will be easier".

They did.
It is.
Still challenging but easier.

EM

[blondguy]

Excuse I for the dumb question EM..(yet there is no such thing as a dumb question here)

what does 'SNAP on the adult kids thing' mean? I really dont know what you mean...doh!

[ecomama]

Correct, there's no such thing as a dumb question lol.

Do you know that little kids card game called SNAP?
When you put a card of the same type on the other person's card and slam your hand on the pile and say SNAP?

Well it's a thing I say when I feel the same - SNAP.

So SNAP on the adult kids thing lol. We feel the same.

EM

[ecomama]

Update: more Psych advice (oh yay 😮)

Psych friend called today and gave me more pearls of wisdom in light of our conversation yesterday on "confidence".

Yesterday we discussed my preference over confidence which is self-assuredness. (I likened confidence to cockiness and bravado and people thinking they can convince people by speaking and not doing - yuck stuff).
We also talked alot about Brene Brown's work on everything lol, MAINLY the understanding that there is no courage without vulnerability.

My "confidence", but probably self-assuredness, was shattered in all ways by abuse. I have felt since I was little that confidence was merely a veneer you "put on" to perform (I was a dancer and actor in small shows) and to give speeches (never had a problem with them). I gave talks to forums of up to 3000 people for my work before exH.

I think I've confused "confidence" with what I actually had and that was courage.

I don't have much of an issue with courage at all lol.
I've believed for a VERY long time that if I get criticism from others? Who cares.
Criticism has ONLY Meant something to me IF I believe that person has CREDIBILITY to give feedback.
I listen to my bosses. I ask for and take advice from all sorts.

I know for sure that we are all "a work in progress" and I delight in feedback a vast majority of the time.
Even if it's uncomfortable. That just means I have work to do lol.

BUT towards the end of the horrid marriage I stood up to exH ridiculous spitting of stupid crap with "You don't have the credibility to judge me" and "Your opinion is NONE of my business". His criticisms were non-stop 24/7 about EVERY tiny little thing.
I would often say "You do better then. Show me" ofcourse it couldn't do a thing by itself.

I digress lol.

Psych friend said the beginning is self-care and self-compassion then next step liking myself then loving myself THEN self-assuredness then confidence.

Mount Everest.

"Climbing boots ON" I'm going to get a new hairdo lol. This one is the OLD me. I'm stepping into the new me NOW. Taking what I like of the old me too! No point in throwing the baby out with the bath water lol.

LOVE YOU EM lol!

[ecomama]

Update: maintaining Boundaries - what I want in life.

I realise the Catch 22 in life. We need other people in our lives to be able to "live wholeheartedly" BUT we must set boundaries and know we'll feel rejected, alone, perhaps even abandoned at times, even in close relationships.

If we've got pretty good people around us and we STILL feel this? My take is that "they're doing their best" and it's not their job to give me EVERYTHING I need. It's mine!

Parenting all these young adults and teenagers & having grandchildren is no mean feat lol.

I remember as a child asking my Nana "Are you happy having so many children and grandchildren to buy Christmas presents for?" lol. Omg she was lol. SO HAPPY. She bought these presents for us year round. I was her eldest grandchild. One year she asked me to wrap all of my next youngest cousin's presents up for Christmas. A whole big washing basket of them. As I wrapped some of them I thought "I would love this, Nana wants to give it to M, not me". Pretty disappointed. Nana saw me and she could read my mind lol...

Then on Christmas Day I GOT that basket! I was shocked and surprised and over joyed.
I hugged my Nana holding a special present. She said something like "I knew you wanted those things, I bought them for YOU, but I wanted to see if you would ask me for them instead of giving them to M. You didn't. It made me so proud of you. You wrapped each present with love for your cousin".

She often told me stories of her grandparents. She beckoned me to my future saying "One day you'll be a grandmother" and I would say things like "You will be REALLY old then Nana!" She knew she wouldn't be here.
I couldn't imagine life without her.

BTW she was incredible, an entrepreneur, went from dirt poor to wealthy, did so much for the Community, was so generous. She was tough lol and loving. Warm cuddles.

I'm at the right place in my life, right here, right now. I write on my laptop from my balcony where I can see the water overlooking the bay we fished in. I can see the rocks at the point where I shucked oysters for my Nana and fed them to her lol. Amongst many other places lol. ALL the teachings my Nana invested in me were for my life then. Without her now.

Jesus Jones "Right here, right now" is the song I'm listening to right now.

I'm so grateful for the Blessed PRIVILEGE of my life. It's been amazing!

Love to you EM

[Mara56]

Dearest Em,

You write with such joy. It is a privilege to read your thread.

Your relationship with your Nana sounds like a beautiful one. I am sure that you are just as loving to your own grandchildren.

You are doing great work and your are an inspiration to us all.

Much love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dearest Mara

I cried when I wrote that about my Nana and I cried when I reread it just now. She absolutely ADORED me and I absolutely ADORED her. We were SO close, she even talked about sex in relationships! lol. Absolutely nothing was off limits. My mother? EVERYTHING was off limits, I could never initiate a conversation with her.

My Nana had the most beautiful jewellery. My mother didn't let me get my ears pierced... you know the saying "If God wanted you to have ...." anyway she conceded to "allow" me to get them pierced at 13yo only if I paid for it. So I did. Then at 13.5 I got the second ones done lol! Then at 14yo my Nana and I got one each done - it was like 2 halves of the one soul kind of thing and she told everyone.

She was very hard on me compared to other cousins. I think it was because she loved me so much tbh and didn't want favouritism to be seen.

Many things happened that broke my heart but remain offline to protect identity.

I reflect like this today because my ACs sat me down and had a straight talk with me last night. I guess I was "blindsided" by them all. I was warm and loving and apologised for my errors (which weren't mine to apologise for btw)... I got tears in my eyes and said how much guilt and deep remorse I had over the harm done to them all. How I was so sorry if I hadn't taught them what they wish they were taught...

Then it swung back, they all said they APPRECIATED all the things I taught them and listed them to me, moral and ethical things and character traits. That how, now they all have children, they are overwhelmed with gratitude for how I parented them. They are all amazed I could achieve so much.

THIS made me cry. I didn't want them to hug me, but they did. I cried harder.

We only do our best raising children. We will fail and fail dismally. WE ALL FAIL. But when expectations were so high of me, TOO high for me, I would say "I'm not perfect and have never pretended to be".

When I failed I apologised.

I'm absolutely not perfect and would never strive to be "perfect". It's a ridiculous "goal" being impossible to achieve. I've never put it on anyone else to be perfect but BOY It's been put on me.

I do strive and am motivated to do so. The children are worth it. I must be worthy of their love because they love me. Worthiness is a hard one for me.

You look forward to your psych appts I don't. She still 'gets me wrong', I still have to correct her. It's very annoying.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dearest Em,

I am so glad you had your beautiful Nana. She sounds like a nurturing, loving person, just like her grandaughter.

Wow! So pleased at the outcome of your meeting with your ACs. That's awesome that they could acknowledge and appreciate you for all good parenting you gave them. Oh Em you so deserve that recognition and how heartening it must have been for you. Wish I could give you a hug.

You are definitely worthy of their love. Clearly they think so and they should know.

I'm so sorry your psych isn't getting you yet. You shouldn't have to keep correcting her. My psych has rarely got me wrong. I can only think of one time. I hope your psych starts to see you soon. It must be frustrating for you having to correct her all the time.

I'll finish on a positive note. DH and I had a mostly awesome day today. I am so in touch with how much I love him ATM. So glad I continue to hang there, even though at times I want to run. Something else for me to work on. Lol.

Much love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dear Mara

It's so beautiful to hear you're reconnecting with DH. I'm glad you didn't run either.

My bf and I are 'back together', it didn't last long lol. That was the first time we have "broken up" in 5 years....

Tbh I think he knew I'd miss him too much but he didn't say that lol. It's difficult not seeing him. It's worse avoiding talking about "when" we might see each other again. The borders are closed so that's pretty much that.

Yes my Nana and the fishing and skill teaching and words of wisdom.
Then my Nanna lol... separated from me by divorce of my parents, she always wrote to me. Always remembered our birthdays and Christmas.

My psych on the other hand mmmm. My psych friend has said "she's way out of line" a few too many times now. I'm feeling like I'm in a "bad marriage" of sorts with her, I have committed but it's not with much trust except for the hope of her teaching me more.

Apparently I'm "moving up to Level 2" this week - whatever that means. I'll see on Thursday I guess!

I'm also wondering why the hurry for my GP to "need" to see me immediately after this appointment. He's not the GP managing my physical health issues. Just the MH side.
I'm going to ask him for a copy of the psych's report. LOL.

Psych mentioned that she's concerned about me going back to work - AGAIN.
A number of weeks back she said she thought I maybe shouldn't return to work at all.

My psych friend said to me "You need to shut that sh** down with her". Change the subject, deflect etc.

Anyway I put off the appt after this week for 3 weeks. Whether Psych realises it or not, I'm phasing her out lol.

I will see how I feel about everything after this week's apts but tbh I'm beginning NOT to trust her.

I'm thinking to do Hypnotherapy for PTSD, anxiety and for some other stuff. It's about 50% covered by my health fund so that's impressive. It's quite a trip to get to it, a major city kind of nearby. But I think it could be a nice walking distance from a train station and close to the University I attended. So quite nice to consider in the warmer weather.

MAYBE one son at home will have his Ps soon! Another son said he's just nowhere near confident enough and another child has only just gotten over her "fears" of everything to begin learning. I truly have no idea how I'll cope if I have 4 on Learner's permits.... I really don't.

Uniting Care had a program we enrolled in for L hours about a year ago. No word yet...

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

I am glowing with love for DH. We had to babysit 2 of his GC today and I did it with grace. I even had a cuppa with his offspring. Definite improvement on my part.

I am so glad you and your BF are back together. Relationships are hard at the best of times, when you through in the trauma we've experienced and then throw a pandemic on top of it.... it's a lot. I can only imagine how tough it is for you both not being able to see each other. Worse case scenario hopefully the lunatic that is running the country your BF lives in, will be thrown out of office in Nov. Then hopefully they'll get some good leadership and get on top of the pandemic. That's my hope. I'm praying that you and your BF get to be together sooner rather than later. You lovely lady, deserve happiness and someone who nurtures you and it sounds like BF is the one to do that for you.

I love your Nana. I'm so glad you had her. She sounds like a beautiful, wise lady.

Mmmm I don't like your psych and I agree with your friend "she is way out of line" You should feel safe and be able to trust your psych. A bad marriage is toxic for your MH. I admire your commitment, I just wish your psych was a little my empathetic. Otherwise it could become abusive. You're a wise woman, you'll know how to proceed. Lol Level 2, it almost sounds like being in school.

Mmmm not sure how I would feel about my psych contacting my GP other than in relation to an update on my progress for the MHP. I get paranoid about those sorts of things which is why I'm careful about telling my GP too much. Go on you for getting a copy of the report. I don't think I would have lasted 5 mins with your psych. She definitely would have rubbed me up the wrong way.

You returning to work is not her call. How are you supposed to live if you don't go back to work? You have been dealing with your MH issues your whole life. You know what you can deal with. She's definitely getting my back up. Lol.

I agree with your psych friend, I would be shutting her down. None of her business whether you return to work or not. I think your wise phasing out the appts.

I didn't know you could get 50% covered on hypnotherapy. I'll remember that for future reference. Mind EMDR is it for me.

Yikes 4 on Learner's permits. I don't envy you. Just having 2 was enough. Lol. I'm sending a prayer up that you hear from Uniting Care soon.

Love

Mara