new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

That would be hilarious if I bought the house next door LOL. Mind I suspect you live on the other side of the country to me. So that's unlikely LOL Mind it would be good to be able to have a cuppa with you. Oh well, I'm just glad we meet here better that than not knowing you.

I see K messaged you to help you with your washing machine. It does sound like he is a very caring person. I can understand how breaking up with him would cause you so much pain.

You sound like you are handling things so well with your kids especially you Adult D. I wish I had been more like that when my kids were AC. I think up till the last year or so I would want to fix it for them. Then about two years ago my psych pointed out to me that my son was an adult and he didn't need me to rescue him. It's so hard sometimes watching them make decisions that you know are going to cause them pain, however it is their life and that how they learn.

Yeah to finding a bed for your youngest D. You certainly are a dynamo. Once you decide to do something your right onto it.

I've got a busy week ahead me, no wonder I have a migraine. I have the specialist on Wed to talk about my pancreas I'm not looking forward to that at all.

Well I had better head off.

Take care lovely lady.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Oh dear Mara, I hope the migraine vanishes. ughh.

Somehow I think I've misrepresented myself lol. I'm just doing the best I can. Lately I'm low.

I had a shower to go out with D to buy her bed. We were both pretty pumped (like 50%) - which is rare lol.
THEN she saw a work shift up for the taking. It was an EXTRA shift. Ofcourse I agreed.

I dropped her off & got back in my grungy clothes lol.

This afternoon I spoke quite abruptly to a son and gf - it's just too much. Demands all the time when she has 5 other people, 3 within a few streets (dad and grandparents) who couldn't care less & do almost NOTHING for her. We even buy her clothes and feminine products - it's BAD.

I laid down the law & almost feel bad about it, not really. Son said after that he went through all his texts to me for ages. All demands from him to me. Nothing nice. I was always being nice. He cried. Said sorry.
Explained something I was mistaken about etc. I said sorry.

I said "All kids are washing their own clothes now. HELP clean up when I cook for you. HELP in the garden".

I'm strung out, unwell AND feel sad. Sad about my best friend dying, sad about K. I finally told one son about K. ACs know but are respecting my timing on telling the kids. Youngest D will cry her eyes out probably (yep she did). She even LOOKS like him, they are so similar. Quiet, unassuming, highly intelligent, I could go on lol but I'll cry.

Anyway I said to ACs and to one son that if I DON'T have time to rekindle my friendships now then I will be SO ALONE when they all leave home. And no K to look forward to growing old with. They need to HELP look after their own washing etc otherwise they'll not know what to do when they move out. I need time, not just waiting for them to pick up / drop off but TIME.

ACs were all over housework. Younger kids not so much.

GF sent an apology text. It's not quite what I was saying but nice anyway. I apologised too, said her family needs to step up, it's not fair on me.

Yes K has helped so much. The washing machine thing was about 2y ago but I Prayed for someone to give us a working one and it came.

Ok I told all the kids now. Yes tears from youngest D. Sons and daughters all ok, sad but ok.

Maybe K and I will stay friends. In the past he's been into online dating. He said he doesn't want anyone else but I know he needs a partner. I think he'll meet someone. He's just that kind of warm, loving man.

I feel worse than I did a week ago.

😢 Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: relationships.

Oh boy what a day. I woke up and had a cry then sobbed silently on my balcony with a cuppa.
Flashbacks came of when I was little, needing to cry but dare not make a sound. My mother would belt me and with each hit say, if you cry you'll get more and other hateful stuff.

I was never allowed to cry.

I never knew where my need to cry silently came from until this morning. So I cried harder. I really felt the loss of bf so hard and so deeply.

He had texted again. Saying all the right things all over again. He's mostly always been like that.

I realised how courageous he's been with me allowing himself to show his deep vulnerability.

And that I had been too weak to show vulnerability to him this year, so hid it. I barely told him a thing because of the stress of repeating it and his huge stressors of his job and the obvious - living in America right now.

This created a huge chasm between us, with the usual of distance and then covid.

We are friends. We need each other's friendship.

Anyway we talked and got LOTS out kindly and respectfully. That's it on U.S. friend lol.

Now for the family boundaries. Messy.

It's time we rewrote Our Family Mission Statement. Didn't think of this before. It's a loooooooong long long lol process with so many people living here. But SO worth it for me at least lol.

We're going to have to do it via Anecdotal Records for each child and me. We are seldom all at home at the same time. A palaver.

I'll do a Draft in a Scrapbook tonight and get the kids to write their additions, deletions, alterations in too.
Keep going till we all agree we've arrived.

Then to WALLPAPER THE HOUSE with copies of it! And the letterbox and fences lol.

We just need explicitly stated values and behaviours that we all agree on.

So I got home after dropping one child to an ACs to do paid work. Another to work. More at home.
Another AC decided they can't sell our stuff now so I suggested they get a FB friend to sell it all and give us 20% only. Agreed.
Eldest D is powering ahead and just got "promoted" at her work. She is now in charge of hiring staff, advertising, interviewing - the lot. Plus she got another client today. 2 months ago she had 1 client. Today she has 5! Incredible.

Better get dinner going. It's Beef Strog the easy way lol.

EM

[blondguy]

Hi EM

hmmm....there seems to be a definite pattern here for sure....and I dont know how you find the strength EM!

I have an AC...(daughter..27) that knows more about the world....parenting and Covid than I or anyone else on the forums combined!! Even more than Croix!! 😉

My AC thinks Covid-19 is a government conspiracy....oh dear....I dont even bother trying to explain how contagious this virus is anymore....I just tune out now....its blissful

Just saying hello EM...great thread!

my kindest always

Paul

[Mara56]

Dearest Em,

You didn’t misrepresent yourself. I am sorry if it seemed that I had missed the depth of your pain in relation to K. I know that the loss of the future you had planned must cut to the core.

As I read your reply to my post, my heart went out to you. I can see how much you do for your family. You have so many things you are juggling, yet through it all you still maintain your commitment to your mental health and the care of your family. You are an inspiration!

Vulnerability is so hard. We are so alike Em. I struggle with it too. I had the same experience with my mother as a child. It was not safe to show any emotion. The end result now for me is that I usually can’t even identify what it is I’m feeling let alone express it.

You lovely lady are not weak! You have had your trust betrayed by people you should have been able to trust i.e. exH, parents etc. It’s understandable that it would be hard for you to be vulnerable. You are a strong lady, definitely not weak. It takes courage to do the work you have done and continue to do. If I know you vulnerability will be something you will tackle in your therapy.

Pleased to here adult D is doing so well. I hope she continues to find her strength.

Totally understand the adjustment issues with new appliances. Lol. You will get there I’m sure.

Re: your chicken recipe. I already checked it out and plan to make it soon.

Be gentle with yourself lovely lady. You are going through some really painful stuff. I am sure though you’ll come out of this even stronger than you already are.

I am sending so much healing energy your way.

Much love

Mara

[Guest_1643]

Hey EM

You had a sad and emotional morning - do yu feel any better? How is it going with ur friendship with K. I love what you wrote about setting boundaries for your kids friends. They don't need drama or bad friends around and they'll learn about choosing good people - we all need this. Heck, I do too.

Thanks for your compliments - right back at you.

I cried today too in therapy. bit embarassing as my therapist is a man. And I associate crying in front of men as ugly and gross. He told me to put my hand on my heart and breathe. Only my head was visible (it was a zoom sesh) - so he couldn't see that I kept my hand there for most of the session.

Still mentally holding my hand by my heart. (Kristin Neff...!)

I hope you felt a bit better after your cry. You are doing so well, day by day, 🙂

[ecomama]

blondguy said:

Hi EM

hmmm....there seems to be a definite pattern here for sure....and I dont know how you find the strength EM!

I have an AC...(daughter..27) that knows more about the world....parenting and Covid than I or anyone else on the forums combined!! Even more than Croix!! 😉

My AC thinks Covid-19 is a government conspiracy....oh dear....I dont even bother trying to explain how contagious this virus is anymore....I just tune out now....its blissful

Just saying hello EM...great thread!

my kindest always

Paul

Hi Paul!

PLEASE TELL what's the pattern??? I'm flummoxed lol.

OH YEAH BROTHER I hear you about a beautiful 27yo who DOES LITERALLY know everything. Mmmm not same daughter though. I'd remember you lol! Mine believes exactly what yours does.

I give up completely on that front lol. She's wonderful in a zillion ways but has been hard work since birth lol.
Too intelligent for my good lol! No. I just let her rant and occasionally go "mhm, mhm" and "I see".

Thanks for popping in and would love feedback on the pattern you see.

I have no idea where my energy comes from either. 😂🤣 Heaven sent I'm sure.

EM

[blondguy]

Hey EM :-)...When I mentioned a 'pattern' I was just saying adult kid(s) can be a health hazard !!

I only meant that our 'adult kids' can be a never ending frustration...I was agreeing with you about adult kids!

Sometimes I post without explaining myself properly...sorry..I should have said....' seems to be common'. My wonderful 27 year old daughter started being a pain at 13 after being an angel.....and all the health professionals told me at the time was.. 'its only hormones and wont last long'...lol..

You are a Bionic woman EM for having the energy and coping skills you have with adult kids

you are a star 🙂

Paul

[ecomama]

Dearest Mara

Thankyou so much for your words. You understand everything. I'm so blessed to have you as my friend. Thankyou for your friendship.

K yes. I'm relieved somewhat that we go to speak today. He'd returned only yesterday from Utah to Seattle and tomorrow sets off for 2 weeks in his car to Labs all around. He can't stand flying now. They've been mandated to wear masks everywhere. His company sent him 200 but I seeing everyone in masks 24/7 is giving him nightmares. He couldn't pick up a Script yesterday without wearing a mask to enter the Pharmacy.

Seriously Ecomama? You thought it was bad he had Anxiety?
OFCOURSE he's got anxiety.

I apologised to K. He couldn't tell me all this before because I was overwrought with anxiety about his life over there. And his family's .... I'll be honest... the WHOLE of America and the world at that point.

Tbh if I lived by myself, I'd probably be drinking to pass out at night too.... NOT that I prescribe alcohol to anyone lol.

It's just that I'm not above reproach in the issues in our relationship. I'm probably to blame if anything.

There were things he couldn't text me and said he never wants to see in print, so he couldn't write them.
So that means that there is slightly more hope, perhaps more than that, of him coming one day.

So for now we have a new landscape. He was married for 20+ years the first time and became a widower.
His 2nd marriage was a disaster from the get go, she divorced him. He signed everything over to her.
Ks family wanted him to send me and my children their love this week.

I'm going to get his wonderful sister-in-laws address and write to her the old fashioned way. LETTER.

Anyway things are brighter there.

The kids? walking on egg shells lol. I don't want them to be afraid. They're just trying to reduce pressure on me.

Psych friend and I spoke tonight. I told her the vulnerable truth that my confidence was shattered by exH.
She suggested 4 things:
1. I spend IRL time with my friends. Not counting T who is sick. Sounded cruel but in addition to T, ask my friends to go for coffee or lunch.
2. GROW things not just do the maintenance in my garden.
3. Look for a meditation group, not running atm here. So take a book to the water's edge.
4. I buy new clothes for work.

IDK too much hard work lol. I'll see what I can do.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Sleepy21 said:

Hey EM

You had a sad and emotional morning - do yu feel any better? How is it going with ur friendship with K. I love what you wrote about setting boundaries for your kids friends. They don't need drama or bad friends around and they'll learn about choosing good people - we all need this. Heck, I do too.

Thanks for your compliments - right back at you.

I cried today too in therapy. bit embarassing as my therapist is a man. And I associate crying in front of men as ugly and gross. He told me to put my hand on my heart and breathe. Only my head was visible (it was a zoom sesh) - so he couldn't see that I kept my hand there for most of the session.

Still mentally holding my hand by my heart. (Kristin Neff...!)

I hope you felt a bit better after your cry. You are doing so well, day by day, 🙂

Hi Sleepy21

Why is it SO hard to cry in front of a man therapist?
Or cry at all?
I'm as cold as steel in front of ANY men full stop. I don't even make EYE contact with men. I've been known to hold my car keys or impulse spray in my purse in BROAD daylight if a man is within 2 metres of me. I never let them walk behind me. I park as close to the door of shops and wait till the coast is clear of men, then get in there.

I've found another trigger.

There is one exception. I can bawl my eyes out to K. I hold it in all week for our longer calls then cry to him. I did today. Just sobbed & sobbed. Told him all my insecurities about his safety. About my ACs recently. About my health. Everything. He was SO kind.

My brother just looks at me like I turned into a monster if I get tears in my eyes. The last time I cried in front of him (2y ago) over the Court stuff, he actually yelled at me, went off his nut. I told him to leave my house. I must ask him about that. I think our mother cries to him. I must've triggered him. That was plain nasty.

I digress lol.

Have you watched Brene Brown's The Call to Courage? OMG LOVE that. I'm going to put Teddy's speech on the back of our toilet door where EVERY thing worth reading goes!

Today you showed COURAGE by being vulnerable with your psych! NOTHING is achieved without being vulnerable first. You are one courageous woman Sleepy. I know more of your story now & you show more strength every day. You SHOWED UP! And then did the courageous thing. Congratulations. I'm so proud to know you.

Yes I'm feeling better. I hope you are too. Hand on heart.

Love EM