new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

I'll start with telling you that today has been a positive day. We're home rather late though, and I'll be pushing it to get what a normal person would call enough sleep before my appointment tomorrow, so I'll keep my message short, tonight. 

Super glad you have been focused on self care in a time when stress could easily have pushed it out of your mind, proud of you for that.

Mostly stopped in to offer solidarity for this meeting, tomorrow. While you're being calm and rational and doing all the sensible things, and to help you maintain it while you probably want to be doing the opposite, feel free to imagine me Hulking out in there, giving them a bit of what they deserve. 😉

Hugs, 

Blue. 

[ecomama]

Thankyou so much Blue! no Hulking required lol... a POSITIVE DAY? Oh do tell! Hugs! 

I got up at 3am, ain't anxiety a helpful? 
At work before 5am. 

GOT THE PAPERWORK pristine & sorted. Had a brilliant idea last night, put it in action before dawn this morning lol. 

Man I was SO PREPARED. Copied 2 sets of spreadsheets back to back (lol). Made a joke as I walked into THE meeting, BIG boss laughed but no one else did. Hmmm. Not funny? I said, the big boss laughed again. 

I think she was as nervous as hell. 

Waited patiently. 
Was invited to speak so I began. 
When I handed the first set out, they began to murmur that I didn't do what they asked. I explained why they needed the first set. Big boss said "Thankyou we needed that lol" which they did. 

Handed out the 2nd set and I could've heard a pin drop. First time in 10y lol. 
They were reading with their mouths open, they were literally gobsmacked! 

After a few minutes I said "I'm happy to answer any questions you have". Big boss said "THIS IS BRILLIANT ECO MAMA, I LOVE IT! You've done amazing work here, I'm SO GLAD you're on our team". The others tried to niggle and I responded rationally, explaining what they ALREADY should know. 

Big boss changed my role to do MORE of this lol. 

What an incredible outcome. Tonight I might SLEEP! More later, 
LOVE EMXXXX

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Glad no Hulking required (though I do enjoy a good Hulk out, hehe). Naturally you were well prepared, that is your way. Interesting that the big boss was openly praising you. I gather it's some of the lower tier people making your life difficult, then? Anyway, I hope doing "more of this" in your role doesn't mean in addition to what you're already doing as opposed to a different approach to what you're already doing. Overall, though, I'm glad the meeting didn't degenerate into something you couldn't deal with, that's such a relief.

Positive day yesterday was the arrival of a board game LM has been waiting ages for from overseas - he contributed to the kickstarter, so the wait included the company getting funding for and making the game from scratch. It's called Flamecraft and it's gorgeous, with lovely art - it's all about building up a town and there are cute little artisan dragons that work in the shops. The playing mat and game pieces are all beautifully made. You should have seen LM's face as he unboxed it, he was so excited. He wanted to play straight away, so we went to visit BM & RB, to play with them. Turned into a really lovely night just relaxing with them. Even the long drive there and back was good, we listened to music that reminded us of earlier days in our relationship, and chatted. Things felt almost normal. It was just what we needed.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hi Blue, waves to others reading, thankyou for your Support. 

How divine, LM opening his well crafted NEW game! & how you went to BM & RBs house to play AND how it felt like your earlier days of "Courtship". Beautiful to read. These special times are great to take a "picture memory" of. Nice! 
HUGE SMILES & HUGS TOO. 😁

No HULKING required... oh I know you can get your Hulk on lol. I CAN TOO! 
Spent the weekend with a contorted Hulk swirling inside, trying to settle it down lol. 
I had to turn Hulk into steely rational COMBAT tools, aka SPREADSHEETS! 

It's all about DATA now at work. We work with HUMANS, yet it's still all about data. 
I say dartar, BF says dayta lol. It's very cute haha. 

Talk about Hulking, I have to tell you that BF now swears in his head in an AUSTRALIAN accent. 
When he gets cross about something, stewing it over in his head, he thinks "bloody hell" then laughs because it's exactly what I say lol. 

New people who meet me, think I have an American accent or a twinge of one, because I DO. Growing up I was stirred for talking with a plum in my mouth, I spoke similarly to my NZ family. Now I have these U.S. twangs. Ahem, "Californian thank you", at BFs insistence. 

Yes my BIG boss loves me. She's shocked at what "they" say about me. It's NOT her experience nor anyone else's REALITY. Having her open support makes "them" work harder to find any miniscule thing to HIGHLIGHT. Big boss is too "fluid" tbh. Not really a person of solid character but I like her. 
I don't trust anyone at work really, probably any one end of! Well no one 100%. That's the way I like it. 

Certainly had the tables turned BIG time. No extra work. TIME OFF to work with the staff who want me to help them, which is my role. Just had too many demands to do it the past 6 months. 
Ahhh not sure how long it will last. I'll ride it until.... 

Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

It was a pretty special day. We've been struggling to drag ourselves out of just thinking on the mundane necessities of managing LM's health, considering it becomes a focal point for two people with significant executive dysfunction, but have discussed the severe negative impact that's been having on both of us. In response, we are working on systems to simplify that stuff, but also trying to focus more on things that lift us up as individuals and as husband and wife. Getting Flamecraft in the mail certainly gave us a nice little nudge in that direction.

Well, the other side of the Hulk is a scientist, he's a powerhouse in either form, haha. That's us too, my friend. 🙂

Ah, the accents. That particular comparison came up in Star Trek re Commander Data, he rightly corrected Dr Pulaski's pronunciation (which matched ours) as it is his name, not just a word, and therefore should be pronounced his way. Sorry, tangent. I bet BF would understand, I seem to recall he's a Trekkie. I do love that he thinks his swears in an Aussie accent. I've been mistaken for both American and British at various times - the former because of too much US TV I think, the latter because I "don't sound like X & Y (some of my colleagues)" - I attribute that to my education.

The handy thing there is the big boss has the final say, so she's the one you need on your side. You don't need to be nuts about her, you just need to be on the same team when it counts. Interesting about those changes in your role. Maybe it won't last, who knows? As you say, make the most of it while it's there.

Bed time for me, the other threads are going to have to wait a while. Have a couple of appointments tomorrow, fasting for a blood test, ugh. Me without breakfast is never pretty.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, yes ugh for a Blue with no brekky, oh dear! Hopefully it's a clear drive to the appointment lol. 

That's funny, I forgot about the Scientist detail re: the Hulk. Yeah I reckon we are lol. I thought it was such a blooper that when he returned to his "normal self" his clothes were tattered but hadn't completely fallen off of him in the expansion lol... having seamstresses for family, this bugged me. Anyhoo I got over it lol. 

I have to tell you something later, when I process it more and yet again stop shaking. Grrrrrrr! 

I SO get that about pronouncing NAMES correctly. I was fighting for people at school re: their names when I was a kid. Even to the teachers. It's rude NOT to say them properly. One Danish name took me AGES of practice with the person to say it just right. Her name was Djustine, other Ozzie people just said JUSTIN. 
But it was pronounced Shewsteen. 

I'm sure BF would know what you mean being a fellow Trekkie. I should ask him how many times he's watched each episode. Countless I'd say. Pity I can't stay awake when he starts watching those! Lol. He tried to use the dynamics as analogies with us but I didn't get anything he meant. He's watched "The Castle" and "Muriel's Wedding" to get my references which is sweet but it was PRESSURE from our common American friend who was already totally into Ozzie productions. BF saw this possibly with a bit of envy (I fall short of saying 'jealousy') lol. 

Yes the whole executive functioning thing x 2 must be so challenging in the most challenging of times. Hugs. 
That's hard upon hard. I find I spend massive amounts of energy on things, that DO need doing but then again, everything does. Then I have little energy left for necessary stuff like eating dinner! I was falling asleep eating dinner last night. 
Hard to monitor this. 

Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Fortunately a very short drive. Not just no brekky, but not enough sleep, either (unsurprisingly). It worked out that the café near the pathologist was shut for some reason (it was well within their usual trading hours). The next place I tried had sod all good vegetarian options and I didn't have long enough before my next appointment to find something better. At least I got coffee, but I wound up unwilling to go to another retail place after the appointment and so was running on one sub-par meal until about 7pm, today.

Ha, I agree about Hulk's pants, but suspended disbelief and all that. We are invited to refrain from examining details too closely.

Tell me about it when you're ready, EM. 

I have a real bee in my bonnet about people making no effort to get others' names right, it's so disrespectful. All I can say about the rest of that paragraph is you and I have very different taste in media. If BF likes sci-fi and oddball stuff and wants to watch something Australian, maybe he'd like stuff like Farscape or Glitch. The former is in space, the latter in a little town where a bunch of people have risen from their graves (whole and healthy) and are trying to resume their old lives or tie up loose ends. Both series, not movies.

The executive functioning (x2, as you say) is quite the nightmare. Absolutely relate to the rest of what you said about that. Working out what really does have to be done vs what can wait is another part of executive dysfunction, so we probably do wear ourselves out on stuff we could have let slide for a while. Our brains struggle to process that information and it can harm us.

Tired as, I'm turning in a bit early tonight. Good night, friend. 

Blue. 

[ecomama]

Good morning dear Blue, 

I know you're vegetarian but not sure how much you like veges / fruit lol... I've known "vegetarians" who don't eat vegetables, just junk food lol. 
I'd take a couple of apples next time you need to do an arduous day beginning with fasting. Just as a back up. 

Yes I LOVED "The Glitch", throughout watching the whole series I wondered HOW on earth did a person HAVE such a fantastic imagination to write this story?? lol. I watched it in 2015 I think.. My U.S. friends didn't have any ways to access it at the time. I think it's on Netflix now IDK. LOVED "The Gap" too. Never heard of "Farscape" tho. 

Yvette's sick so I'm taking the day off work to look after her. Alexa et al were diagnosed with "strep throat" this week and other weird things. Yvette may have that but I HOPE NOT. She won't take anything for anything. She downright refuses so it's almost no point seeing a GP. She does occasionally but seldom does what they tell her anyway. No antibiotics until 17yo lol. SO HEALTHY, which I'm grateful for! 

I get the ADHD struggle 100%.
It seems I need 50 x more TIME than others need for "managing" a household, etc. 
The biggest thing for me is not getting frustrated with myself. The more frustration I have the harder I work and I need a break! Self-care was NOT modelled whatsoever so that's a steep learning curve for me. 
Another HUGE factor is "organisation" (also unmodelled lol, the OPPOSITE was modelled as you experienced). 
It's all so disabling, so much to work on. 

The I have a lot on my plate, as you do. Very different pressures to be sure. I was woken up twice last night to pick up kids from work. One lift feel thru. Then Yvette was unwell. I was so drowsy as P.son was driving! Thankfully it's a short trip but bracing cold got thru to my bones lol and getting back to sleep was challenging! 

Hope your tests come back well. 
Yes I need to explain what happened. 
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

*** TW ***
Update: Triggered again. 

I felt my job was being threatened by, I've since learned, by ONE vindictive person starting all sorts at work. GRR. This is the person whose H makes it embarrassingly OBVIOUS he fancies me & has done so since school. I've always been DEFINITE in my rebutting any advances since day dot, yuck! It got worse over lock down & Zoom meetings omg... so embarrassing. I KNOW she & him argued about it. He came in (at her house), saying "Hi gorgeous" etc to me every day. I have to speak to him SERIOUSLY when I see him next. 

THIS wasn't the trigger, it's the precipitating zone. 

I thought I'd dealt well with this work stress by Tues. 
Tues night I was minding my OWN business as per, filling up my garbage bins outside in the dark. Listening to a podcast with my earbuds in. 

Next thing I heard a woman yelling, STORMING towards me in the dark. Her SHAPE, HEIGHT, HAIR DO, CLOTHING looked exactly like my mother. I took my earbuds out, said "What are you doing here?" She RANTED ON & ON about a car blocking the road. 
I was shaking. I hoped it wasn't my mother, I didn't know. 

Walked up to the road (more light). Saw it wasn't mother. Said "Oh you could drive a BUS through there". She RANTED, YELLING on & on omg... I said "That's enough", walked down the drive way to get my son who's car it was. (IT wasn't blocking the road, there were 5 other cars there!). 
She was YELLING & SCREAMING at me so loudly like she was going to hit me. I kept telling her to STOP, be quiet, I'm not talking to her any more. She kept yelling! 

It's Friday, the shaking hasn't stopped yet. 
I need another weekend of intentional self-care. 

EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

I know some people like that, but definitely don't fit that description, I love my fruit and veggies. If only an apple would do the job - I find fruit on an otherwise empty stomach nutritionally insufficient and if anything it makes my hunger scream louder, I'm the sort who starts the day on what most people consider dinner foods. Probably a protein bar in my pocket would work better. Never had problems with that café being closed during trading hours before, though, hadn't anticipated a problem. Given more time I'd have found a suitable lunch somewhere. Grr.

Glitch was really interesting, good characters and compelling story. I don't know The Gap, got mixed results from Google that didn't clear up what you were referring to. Farscape is an older show, started at the end of the 90s - kooky sci-fi, very fun.

Here's hoping Yvette isn't too sick and bounces back okay. Not quite the reason you hoped for to get some time off work, I'm sure, but I can imagine a time out from there is welcome.

Yup, completely relate to how much longer it takes to enact household management stuff than it does for other people. I hate it so much. I'm a bit the same about getting frustrated with myself, too. Everything you wrote about that resonates with me. Sure didn't have anything healthy or functional modelled in my upbringing.

Ugh, sounds like a tiring night. Cold, too. I hope you get some rest soon.

I hope they don't - if my tests come up with something wrong, I can get some treatment! Nothing worse than having a really disruptive medical problem and tests that keep coming up okay, the doctors tend to just shrug and shove you out the office untreated if they don't have an easy answer in front of them.

Oh boy, I can see why you're feeling triggered, EM. That must have been really scary for you. I'll never understand why some people feel the need to be so abusive. I can only imagine how badly that resemblance set off your PTSD, too. Absolutely do all the self care you can, EM, you need kindness after the couple of weeks you've had, and you deserve it.

Big hugs,

Blue.