new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Thankyou Bluberry, I haven't felt that bad for about 4 years.

BF phoned just as I was leaving for the shops so he "came with me" lol.
I sat in the car with the air con on in car park and cried my eyes out.

I told him how I felt. I wasn't going to but I did.

He was very kind. He always is.

I almost called a helpline last night but went to bed very early instead. I felt low.
I had about 13h sleep which is highly unusual but couldn't believe my heaviness of mind when I woke up.

As BF spoke to me about all the pressures, I realised it's a real lot atm.
Mammograms this week.
Endoscopy in hospital whenever that happens.
Yvette and her MH Issues.
Alexa away.
Prodigal son putting this paperwork on me was the whole straw storehouse - I realised I was triggered by Govt paperwork again.....
- it's "too close" to Legal paperwork and
- also has the added evil of the possibility that son would lie to about his home situation so he could get that allowance.

I told him about that before he left home.
I was so upset and angry that he might lie about ME as demon always has, JUST FOR MONEY.

Son said he would never lie about me.
But him being the most in ways like demon.... just in certain ways which were exposed more since he left.... I was very unsure if he would betray me also and put me in jeopardy ALL over again of losing my children.

I had NO IDEA what was happening for YEARS and after Court started I KNEW.
I SAW the words they said to DOCS in front of my eyes.
I could tell WHO reported WHAT (I knew their vocab)... so shocked.

demon ex and it's mother had been making FALSE reports for years about me.
trying to get me locked up in ANY way they could... ALL FOR MY MONEY.

Police would turn up at my house ALL the time demanding entry to check on the children.
demon was NEVER home.

After Courts started and the whole Full Investigation on ME began... I was and have always been transparent but to my detriment NOT honest about the DV to me.

So because BF knew all this we worked out my deep trigger of son's paperwork = = going all the way back to = = root cause demon.
A long track back but it triggered ALL of it.

Police NEVER come now unless I call them and then they're wherever I am in an instant.
THEY KNOW now.

I completed son's 18 PAGES of paperwork.
Cheeses.

Feel like I've been put thru a cement mixer.

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

Hi Em

that is so horrible - I am so sorry you feel down and have a lot on your plate. I know it can be hard when everything piles up and people are demanding more and more

SOmetimes it starts small and suddenly the demands are everywhere and just too much

I also covered up abuse when I was accused really of being ... well not abusive but just... mean? Horrible? Cold? Selfish?
And I was being abused myself... No one would havebelieved me anyway but I automatically hid and covered up how I was being treated out of some old maxim "we don't talk about those things to others..." -

I hope you are okay today . Glad chook is moving about. Can you get out for a chai today? hope you get a minute to breathe!!!!

[ecomama]

Hi Sleepy. it really helps when ppl understand. Hugs.

I didn't get out for a chai today, no.
Saving my "one coffee out" per week for my Thursdays... trying to think of another name instead of "old girls day" lol... there are a few older men too that meet in that group there...

Yes, it was too much for me today but the paperwork thing would have triggered me any day.
It caught me off guard being triggered.

But I had a depression reaction not a PTSD reaction.

I guess that's progress... erghhh.

I had to answer on those forms whether my income would be reduced THIS financial year compared to last "due to Covid" and I said yes.

I've completely accepted it ofcourse now but ... if it wasn't for covid we would be gearing up for a whole month in America with BF over Christmas, meeting his entire family from one corner of America to another. Doing FUN PARK things in all stops. Etc.
I've met most family but the kids have never been to America.

It's 2y since seeing BF.
It's getting us really down.

Esp since we have no end in sight. Plus the kids won't go to the U.S. in the state it's in.
Anyway we have a plan once Hawaii opens up to Australians BUT even this plan is imaginary and possibly BF couldn't do it.
He only gets 3 weeks leave per year atm and the company blatantly refuse to allow more than 1 week at a time!
They made an exception last time he visited, since his boss knows I live in Australia.

Anyway no point in talking about it.

The "downstairs sons" lol came up and began clearing out prodigals son's room!
They're cranky with him for lots of reasons.
One being he hasn't lifted a finger to pack up his stuff nor clean his room.
Nothing.

Now they know I don't want anyone throwing his stuff away, they packed some in piles and it's ready to move into Yvette's built ins.

They began clearing the massive bookshelf that's heading to Alexa's.
I took three men to being it in!
Not sure how we'll get it to hers yet.

But being short of money means we have to find ways to do it ourselves, asking Uncle or my brother etc.

Alexa's away anyway.
We have to schedule that type of thing in with everyone.

I'm making Honey Mustard Roast chicken tonight with baked veg and other veg.

How are you doing Sleepy?

Love EM

[ecomama]

Hey peeps

On the Interior Design notes... I had a wonderful bath lol and watched "Dream Home Makeover" on Netflix....

I know it's American lol but some of these ideas... like SO MANY of their Principles are things I've never heard of or thought about.

I know I'm on my Ls about all this (always will be I know this about myself lol)... but the stuff in this show is awesome.

PLUS the fact the show is set in UTAH lol... which is where BF and I have spent the most romantic times together. Park City even... the landscape is like my second home. LOL.

SO... my loungeroom is an IMPOSSIBLE ROOM... it's not the original loungeroom of the house.
My new bedroom is the original loungeroom and I AIN'T changing that! I can't - too many kids.

I'm so frustrated about this room.
I have some ideas what to do but really NO IDEA What to do also!
Plus I'm broke atm BUT by mid next year should have some money to buy paint etc.

AIM: I want it as close to finished as possible by 1st October 2021 in time for my after party lol.

The l/room was an add on many years ago by previous owners. I would call it a "sunroom".

Years ago I painted the l/room duck egg blue.
It has windows all along the front "wall" and to the side too with a sliding door to the balcony.
The water views are through all of this glass.
BUT to the right when you walk in is the ONLY wall to paint (under windows too but atm so much stuff in there ugh IDK).

It "backs onto" 2 large windows with original brick wall of original external wall of house.
Not sure about these.
They're still the raw brick.

We have a HUGE dark brown lounge.

Anyway I'm thinking to move a cabinet from prodigal son's room for under the TV... not sure.

The TV has always been awkward in this space but has the CCTVs hooked up to it and all of us can monitor these at all times when TV is on. Kids like that feeling of safety and so do I.
We can see who or what is moving around our home any time of the day or night.
I think it has to stay (Alexa wants to get the TV OUT! lol but she doesn't live here).

On that show, they use a beautiful dark blue - usually with panelling - but with the dark brown lounge I'm not replacing, it would be far too masculine to put in panelling AND dark blue.
But I'm thinking the dark blue yes.
I may have leftover paint from downstairs to use after downstairs is painted but I doubt it lol.

ADVICE please??? (Girls should I start a thread on interior design bec our chats about this are AMAZING?)

Love EM

[ecomama]

Ooops plus there are huge rafters that are our favourite "mission brown"... should I paint these WHITE?

The awful styrofoam inserts between these.... IDK I could paint them but can't do much about those. Under them is a bare metal roof. Nothing else.
They have to stay for something that feels like insulation.

Next is my balcony lol!

EMxxxx

[Guest_498]

What colour are the bricks on the wall? How big is the room? Duck blue is dated. You need to paint the room white for a fresh, clean modern look. White walls is the colour atm. Any colour added to the home is secondary and tie into the look youre after.
Brick wall can be a nice look if its only in one section of the room and depending on brick colour.
Let me know

[Guest_498]

Yeh, come to think of it, paint the brick wall white. Move the heap underneath your window - declutter. Brown couch can go, too. Replace the couch with either black or white leather chaise modular lounge with a big rug in muted colours (soft grey w white patterns (diamond or trellis or morroccan something like that). Break up the modern feel with slight touches of antique things you have. This will give you a new, modern feel with classy touch of old antiques. Itll make the room feel like a million dollars - a clean room. Get modern floor lamp to add to the ambience at night. I suggest a chrome with or without material shade. Mine is without.. I like the ultra modern Italian look, so I went a chrome arco lamp, situated side of couch. It arches forward. But any chrome with crystal is abso amazing!! It depends on the style you have for the room.

[Guest_1643]

Hey Em - i'm very new to this but I do have a brick wall myself (i'm in a rental) - it sounds very similar to urs. I find the brown pretty heavy and depressing so I'd love the idea of using the feature wall or even in repainting it in which I agree with blubs - I think it can add a bright feel!!!!

I don't know much about feature wall colours - but I'll think about it as well!! I agree with Blubs that white is always good and fresh.

[Guest_1643]

i also think Dove Grey is very soothing and fresh. Is there carpet or wooden floors?

[ecomama]

Hi Blubes and Sleepy

Thanks for your tips!

Please consider that we have LOTS of kids and pets. White isn't kind!

Also the "feature" are the expansive water views thru windows ALL along the front "wall" and glass ALL along the LHS "wall" - so no walls lol only glass. You see water and hills on the other side of it.

I don't want to take away from the water views there both in day and night.

The room is narrow and longish.
You step into it and it goes narrow to the left.
You need sunglasses ALL times of the year to be in there during the day!
It's SO bright in there.

There's ONLY ONE "wall".
Tbh I'd like it to "disappear" / become part of the background not stand out - hence the dark blue I was thinking of... see Home Makeover philosophy.

And possibly painting the mission brown rafters WHITE?

The brick wall is only between the windows from the house into the room (it's like a sunroom not a loungeroom).
The bricks are blond colour... if I could use some technique to make them disappear too!

You only see the water views and ONE wall from inside the main part of the home.

It's only a cheap make over atm (we may pull this whole extension down and rebuild later IDK, but building the bungalow comes first before any major expense).

Can't get a new lounge Blubes.
This was my first EVER new lounge and it's only 5y old lol.

We have pretty crappy dark timber floors. But I've tung oiled them in the past and they come up nicely.

LIGHT isn't a problem in this room even on the greyest of days.

Another problem is all the mission brown window frames and screen frames.
I looked into painting these silver once upon a time.

Also I took down all the vertical blinds a few years ago lol - they were so OLD.
I clipped up a make do set of lengths of materials for shade really.
All the same but .... would love to replace it all with a sheer white veil type I think?

EMxxxx