new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Update: horrible news & managing the anxiety in reaction to it

***Trigger warning - death of a young person***

I couldn't sleep last night... I kept thinking is this anxiety or is something else going on OR is it both?

Still, I got up well and went to work.

After an hour at work, my friend since 4yo texted that in the early hours her daughter passed away. She'd been on life support these past 2 weeks after an accident. I'm devastated for her and for the whole world at this shocking horrible unbelievable loss.

Such a vital beautiful energetic grounded young woman.
We were ALL so proud of her and how she helped SO MANY PEOPLE in her work even in her way too short life.

I couldn't stop crying at work.
I didn't want to come home but I couldn't stay at work either.
So I came home.
Contacted my friend via text as she asked of everyone... until... whenever.

I offered anything.
Anything she wanted or needed.
Anything.

What else can I do?
NOTHING.

If I can fly up, if the borders are open, I will.
She's still reeling.

I can't believe that we were ON THE PHONE when her daughter's partner called with the horrible news.
That was the last conversation my friend had while "everything was okay in her world", now it's tremendous loss and grief.
Our lives and relationship will always be embedded in this loss now... it's just too much loss.

I phoned my Counsellor's office and the receptionist said the Head Psych would phone today.
She is such a sweet, caring lady. I'm so fortunate.

I told my psych at work who said I needed to go home, then I said "What will I do when I get home?" and said the silliest things to her. She was lovely.

I think I was still in shock and still am.

No one can make this better. My heart is broken.
My beautiful friend, her heart is shattered.

Not sure how to ground myself. But I'll find ways.

It's a very sad day.
Love EM

[Jstar49]

Oh Em,

I'm here for you, listening, whenever you need to talk.

Thats a lot you've got going on. Please be careful.

Thats such sad news about your friends daughter.....she will be reeling for a while. Does she have faith in anything? Not that it takes away the grief, but it may give her something to hold onto in the storm.....

Dig deep my friend. Let your roots go deep and feel yourself being taken care of, feel the trust that you have encompass your friend, and your family, wrap them up in a big warm hug, safe and warm. Protected.

I pray that p.son will be well, and will be encouraged to make whatever changes in his life that he needs to do, to look after himself. That his cool new shoes, such a symbol of your caring, of how you're doing it differently and choosing to give your children what you weren't given- I pray this knowledge enters HIS being and he knows he is safe. And maybe his shoes are for walking into safety.❤

The love you guys have for each other is awesome!!!

Be waiting to hear how you are

LOVE

J*

[Guest_4643]

Just saying hi everyone, although I feel extremely horrible mentally myself.

Again I'm sorry for your loss EM

[Ggrand]

Dear ecomama..

I am so deeply sorry about your friends daughter...

My deepest condolences to your beautiful friend’s family to you and your family....

A very sad day sweetheart....Talk here if you need to..I know your hurting beyond any words I can say...but please try hard to take care of yourself as well....

We are all here for you...if you need us..

Grandy..

[ecomama]

Good morning everyone,

Thankyou for your kind messages, even though I feel like a fraud accepting messages of condolences, since it was my friend who lost her daughter.
The ripples of shock and grief go far and wide so thankyou.

I'm going to work today and will ask ppl who know not to talk to me about it or ask questions while we're at work or for a long while yet.
Most are my colleagues, I need to work when I'm at work.

My Leave starts Friday think goodness!
I'm trying to put off thoughts of borders open or closed, flights, accommodation etc.
It's too much for now and could change at any moment.

I've done a mountain of self-care and slept well last night.

The constant worry of the beautiful girl being on life support is now gone, replaced with worse but my feelings are for my friend. I'll need to take care of myself to keep being able to care for my children and extend support for 2 fiends and their families now.

Thankyou.
I'll come back later and say more.

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Just a quick one to let you know I'm paying attention, even if I haven't had much energy to talk, lately, and I'm here for you.

You're not a fraud for accepting condolences. Sure it's your friend's daughter - but still someone you knew and cared for in your own right. Your grief is real and relevant, too.

Glad you're keeping up the self care, that's important, for you and everyone who needs you at the moment.

You've got this.

Blue.

[Paw Prints]

Hello Em,

Oh lass you are not a fraud... your grief is different to your friends grief... but it is no less valid... as much as you want to be strong & be there for your friend... please don't deny yourself the chance to acknowledge & feel your own sense of loss... your friend may even find it comforting seeing how her loved child touched so many lives & that they feel her child's loss too.

It's good to hear you have been able to do self care & that you were able to sleep...

Lass I'm here to listen if you want/need to talk...

Hugs

Paws

[ecomama]

Thankyou Blue and Paws

Gosh driving home from work, was it ONLY yesterday??? seems like forever ago... all the thoughts racing thru my head at the speed of light... so many all at once almost.

Now they're more "compartmentalised" if that's the word.

Well I know I feel guilt.
Its messy guilt.
I know alot of it is survivor's guilt and I know that no one can feel true empathy unless they've experienced same / similar so it's guilt over that too (I've never lost a child).

I'm grateful ofcourse!
But the deep grief around me... it's tangible.
My best friend in the whole world and her losses... I nearly choke with the thought of her being unwell, I HATE the thought of losing her. I need tissues brb...
Gosh this is only the first lot... and her adult children need me. And her younger sisters do too. I'm grieving with the knowledge of her cancer returning, she won't tell anyone else.
I just want to scream.

I get really angry about the nonsensical losses and frustration of it all.

When I told BF about Qld friend losing her d yesterday (they'd spoken over the phone when we were up there)... I could hear him starting to cry... I wasn't crying telling him until then, then I said I was sorry for his loss.
I can never replace his wife, it can be so raw for BF at times.

Telling Alexa about the Memorial and gorgeous girl still in a coma on the weekend... Alexa said that she's only now letting herself grieve over the loss of her "family" (unit)... cheeses I wish I'd been more in touch with HER feelings!

Crikeys it was only last Saturday that I had the unintended thought in my own home when setting the table for our early Easter lunch... it had been really busy... they all went out to the park- dogs kids grandkids.
I decided to clear and set a more formal table... I counted.... I kept getting confused about the numbers... then I said "Ahh there's one missing"... then pulled myself up and yes I FELT that there was one person missing and that was demon!

I spent time with that thought after everyone left and wondered if I'd grieved THAT "loss" yet??
It was the loss of what I THOUGHT we all had, not what we ACTUALLY had.
My "family".

Now Alexa's "family".

I've barely touched on p.son yet.
He said "I just keep thinking to myself, hold on, hold on, you can hold on till the end of the year" and BOOM - red flag.
Thank GOD he's coming home on the weekend.
6 months left we think... I must start a countdown chart for us all.

Thankyou for listening
Love EM

[Guest_4643]

Just saying hi again. I did earlier but wasn't acknowledged so that was upsetting.

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

Just touching base, to say hi, and that I can hear the swirl and churn in your words.

It sounds like the loss is touching everyone very close to home, with their own losses. Thats the nature of it, and we would be robots if it didn't.

So glad you're not a robot darling Em.

Great boundaries at work btw,

Love

J*