new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Not familiar with Joe Dispenza. I use guided meditations by Reuben Lowe, he has an app called Mindfulness: Being Human (there is a free version). So far the only person I have listened to that hasn't irritated me. Sleep is good, I often doze off when meditating. Oops.

Glad that your research has helped you get through tough times. Knowledge is power, they say.

Haha, can picture the cat on the table having a feed. 🙂

I'm sure the timing will all work out. If Alexa gets a second celebration, no harm done, right?

Wow, two years is a long time. I guess every journey starts with a single step. You'll get there. Glad you have extras cover.

Fingers crossed Alexa can use prodigal son's car without any problems.

Have a good day at work (is that a thing?).

Blue.

Sleepy - I love the breakfast table. As someone who loves to cook, it's such a relief to have my kitchen bench back! Do you cook much? Getting organised in the kitchen will happen if it's a priority.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hi Tayla. 🙂

[ecomama]

HO Tay Tay

What's happening?

How are you doing?

Love EM

[Guest_4643]

Hi Blue's Clues & EM.

I'm struggling, how about you two?

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

I had to nick off out of the house quickly after popping in here this afternoon, I had to pick up Alexa and the kids for her bday dinner out- her car has cacked itself lol.

We had a lovely time. Alexa's friend from school drove up 2h for the dinner, it was lovely catching up with her again too.

OMG I LOVE Dr Joe Dispenza lol!!! I had a massive blitz on here a few months ago about him.
I've been reading his AMAZING books and research for a very long time.
I have two of his CDs but he also has lots of free meditations on YouTube.
I like his accent very much, he was raised in California just like my fiancee, so they have the same accent.

But I can understand if the accent is off putting lol.

I am SO behind on my threads! Been so busy. Work has been double the hours per day this week.
Had lots of important reports to write. I woke up at 4am yesterday to get to work early lol.
There's no overtime in my job but I'm still very grateful for it.

I actually DO LOVE my job!
I love almost everything about it.

My job and work has been a total life saver over the decades. I've been in similar work for 40 years lol and still love it!
It grounds me.

I'm so proud of Alexa. She's really getting "it" all together. She had the WORST birthday ever last year and we both said "never again"... so she's turned her attitude on it's head, she still has some niggly things that put her in full protection mode etc and these drive her crazy lol.

She allowed me to say some things last night and was pretty shocked at what I said... just reminding her of things she's said to me about Angelo.... and what she's said to him.

It made her realise she has sabotaged the relationship already.
So she made amends and got things off the ground again there.

Plus she's saved SO MUCH money that she can spend quite a lot on her next car. Maybe she'll have it on the weekend lol.

How are you doing Blue?

Love EM

[ecomama]

Hey Tay Tay

What's going on?

Can you identify the things you're struggling with atm sweety child?

Love EM

[ecomama]

I'm learning more about what I can handle and what's best to process before I go to bed at night.

Last night I responded to a post here about a Family Law situation... it stirred up alot of memories. It was the last post I wrote but the previous 2 posts were about abusive marriages.

So I had nightmares about the Court Report writer. It was a reliving step by step what she actually DID do to me.

She was plain evil, the worst person by far within the Court system.

The next worse person was a worker in the "Safe Room"... she said abusive things to me JUST as I was about to walk into Court. She was a sadist.

She was in my dream also.

Note to self: only respond to these kinds of threads in the morning.

My PTSD reactions to the different types of abuse and different abusers was not worked through by me thoroughly in exposure therapy this year. The 2 main abusers being demon and my mother were worked through very thoroughly.

Not the others.

Last year my Counsellor confirmed without a doubt that the whole Court's processes added to my PTSD, it was that stressful.

Some things are so unnecessary and some people just shouldn't be able to work in specific areas. I wouldn't have those people ANYWHERE NEAR a Court with parents dealing with acrimonious Family Law cases. Or in any Court.

I wouldn't even have them as street sweepers outside Courts they were that bad.

I was able to wake myself up from my dream thank goodness.

I was able to think about the amazing people, the ones who were truly angelic. The Guards allocated to protect me and my children who stayed by our sides the entire time.
One wonderful children's Barrister who looked JUST like Hagrid out of Harry Potter and had the same awesome protective temperament. He was beautiful.

He didn't do much to allay my fears and calm me, because he had to be impartial, but what he did was powerful and supportive and very VERY brave.

Every child needs a Hagrid on their side lol!
My children had the best.

I was feeling so much better because my nightmares had stopped.

This also brought up thoughts of an abusive boss I had for 5 years. She nearly destroyed so many of us and our careers. She DID make many people resign.
She was on my case almost 24/7... texting and calling me from 4:45am in the morning, even on weekends!
And calling and texting till 11pm some nights.
Some of us are still trying to recover from that trauma. Some staff still shake when they hear footsteps that sound like hers.

Awful.

EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey there Tayla,

Sorry to hear you're struggling. Here to listen if you want to talk about it.

Me, I'm very slowly bouncing back from some difficult days, but I'll be okay.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hi EM,

All good. Glad you got to go out and have some fun. 🙂

I'll look him up. I'll be honest though, I'm not nuts about American accents. That said, I mostly don't like the American guided meditations I've found because they get a bit airy fairy for me. I can't recommend Reuben Lowe enough - aside from the mild English accent which is pleasant to listen to, he has a mostly very practical and no frills approach to meditation and mindfulness. His app has a great little knowledge section too, that really simplifies and brilliantly explains what the mind does and how mindfulness is useful. I just couldn't get a handle on it before I found that guy.

That sounds like a heck of a lot of work, EM. I'm glad you are happy in your job, and for my own sake to see evidence that it is possible to be so. My job is hands down the worst thing in my life, I (*insert expletive here*) hate it with a dedicated passion. All I can say is hold onto that job if it makes you happy.

Sounds like a mixed experience with Alexa. Glad she's changed her tune about birthdays, and has plenty saved to resolve her car troubles (in her place I'd get the cheapest reliable one and keep the rest of the money for a rainy day, but that's me). It's important that she's recognised the sabotaging behaviours in her relationship and is working to change that.

Sorry to hear about your nightmares and the things you went through that were triggered. Definitely a good idea to steer clear of triggers before bed (been there myself). I guess you've woken with a knowledge of what to tackle next in therapy. Just shaking my head at that boss's behaviour, that is I believe quite illegal. I guess in your place, whilst there is something that can be done, knowing there's just one more legal battle isn't exactly comforting.

I think just being open about these things and addressing what is wrong is a great step toward finding a better mental place to be in with them. You've got this, friend.

As for me, I'm slowly coming back up from a bit of a low place. More detail in my thread, I don't quite have the energy to tell the tale twice. Thanks for asking. 🙂

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hi Blue

I'll pop in and have a read over there.

Well that boss literally gave herself a heart attack, the way she carried on, it's really no wonder at all. She openly said that her WORK was THE MOST IMPORTANT thing in her life. I felt very sorry for her H, children & grandchildren when she said that.
Anyway she was forced to medically retire a few years ago.

Now we have a boss sent from heaven in almost all ways lol. She's great! Open door policy, so understanding etc etc.

I'm sorry that you don't like your job with a passion.
I hope you can get your new venture off the ground and really make it work for you!

Alexa's pretty fine financially. She's owed around $20k from work, hasn't done those invoices yet. Her "rainy day savings" are at $10k at all times (bec she's just like her mama) and has no intention of getting a car loan etc just like her mama. No credit card. Owes no one etc.

Hopefully her business venture she wants me involved in later on will be a good money spinner too.

After she gets this car and one son gets an updated car, they hope to buy a property together.

It worked really well for my brother lol, having me buy property with him.

I was happy to see a comparative property near me but with less land, went for 1.5 million dollars this week, pushing up the EQUITY!
The ONLY thing I plan on using any equity for is to build the bungalow if required. But the paperwork for that is horrendous since we want to "owner build".

Still if I can get through all the legal paperwork for my Family Law case and even pick up Lawyer's and Court's ERRORS, then I should be fine LOL! Just a huge lot of work if I decide to go that way. I hope to pay for it as I go, but that will be very challenging. The motivation for ME is pretty high lol... lesser for BF and my Uncle maybe!

The triggers last night were really weird!
I got rid of the demon & mother triggers, which were like 99% of my triggers combined.... so it was like my mind said "NEXT!"

I won't avoid.
I'm doing exposure therapy with them. My EX psych taught me how. So that's what I was doing this morning.

I didn't even bring it up in Counselling today lol!

I don't avoid my ex boss either! I go straight up to her and give her a hug! 😂🤣😁

I'm a ratbag really lol.

Love EM