new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_1643]

yay Em

[Ggrand]

Hi EM,

Thats great news about your test...so so very happy for you..

Grandy..

[Guest_1643]

hey Em - lol i laughed as I also need many many types of therapists.
I've seen 'em all.
I'd like more even.

I cannot cope without drawers. I only have hanging drawers and was too down to remedy that and get in some portable storage. I have now put clothes in a drawer that is meant for books and it sucks. I think I need storage but keep not doing it. I mean not I think, I need it.
Some things for me just become a block I don't know why. Basic things.
Maybe it's being abused for years for being not sensible or wasting money (lol as if I ever did that) by my father - that was literally if I ever bought anything> They expected and praised me if I found things on the side of the road.
So i'm always trying to "make do"

and literally sitting here with clothes that don't fit in a bookshelf. A BLOCK

so happy for you EM for your news... i know it was stressful in the lead up

And also with your BF i didn't want to bring it up as I thought you had too much already going on but that's hard to be at this stand-off with him.
So he wants to invest in a business which is risky?
It's a big issue.

[Lillylane]

Dear EM

So glad and happy to hear your all clear news!

Big hugs,
Lillylane

[Guest_4643]

So glad to hear your results were good EM

[ecomama]

Thankyou so much for all your well wishes. I feel so unwell atm, I have more tests to do.

Could be the poisoning by demon bec the pain is all down my digestive tract. But the pain's been there for years, since this one event. Specialists found alot going on down there but couldn't explain why.

We know why now but it's getting worse.

BUT my teeth could be causing more pain in my body.
I'm just hoping that's ALL it is.

I need to start taking the ulcer meds again.
I have a hospital thing for the other end whenever they phone.

I was advised to buy an anti-bacterial mouth wash but only use it twice a day until I see the dentist on Sat morning.

Hey Sleepy, SNAP I KNOW what it's like just NOT being able to buy stuff for yourself bec of your upbringing!
WOAH do I know it.
Alexa fights this too but she's really doing the work to try to get over it.

It's so difficult. I'm really hearing you.

Please know you are free to buy and have whatever makes you sparkle.
You felt so good about the lovely things that made your new bedroom so special.

YOU ARE SPECIAL and deserve this feeling in EVERY room in your home.

You deserve it 24/7 wherever you are. Hugs, hugs and more hugs. BIG HUGE HUGS!

Some ppl say that victims of DV & FV feel "shame" about it all.
IDK if it's "shame" I feel, I haven't gotten in there with that to work it out yet.
It could be but I didn't think it was.

I think about that time and know I haven't separated from it, not good.

On the BF track, IDK (Lordy I'm saying IDK alot!) but IDK!
I finally read his text tonight.

No apology.
Just saying for me not to worry, he wouldn't take a gamble like that.

But he completely missed my point...

anyway it looks like "living with" as in a LDR living with, his frustration etc of NOT doing it.

I sent him SO many questions... it'll drive him nuts lol. But I would like answers to them.

I don't have the physical health to put up with another convo over it all.
It's way too convoluted.

I spoke with prodigal son tonight.
C/link refused payments on the basis that I earn too much.
He can't claim abuse, so I know C/links view... "move home".
He won't.
He made a promise he'll keep.

He asked for his last savings which I transferred tonight.

I felt sad that it seems he will stay living that far away even for his Uni now.
I can't tell Yvette. She'd fall apart more, she misses him & his gf more than ever.
It's so sad.

This will unfold as it does, so many changes we weren't ready for.

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

hey Em what a lot you have going on, sounds very hectic.
Are you still feeling very tired? I hope everything clears up and that sounds like a good simple wya to manage the ulcers with the mouthwash...

sounds like you're getting into the house as well - getting me inspired.

I didn't know others felt the way I did - all the neglect cycle. I saw my Mum the other day as I got my printer from the house (reclaimed! back safe and sound with me!) and wanted to take my old little wooden desk. I couldn't fit it in my car but I'll find a way. She told me that I couldn't take the desk because it was "full of things!!" "urgent!" "Have to clean it out!!" there were like three things in it, I took them out, put them in a box, and left.

She starting screeching at me that there was another desk I should take rather than that one.. I just left.
My gp mentioned at one point it would be nice to have some of my own things and not start again... and I was quite proud I wasn't affected bby her at all and it was kind of a victory, just went and got my things.

[Guest_1643]

lol re sending BF questions - i love a strongly asked question. You deserve answers. He'll have to find a way to provide them, I hope.
How is prodigal son going with everything? It's sweet how he is attached to Y. Hope she's not taking the sepration too hard and can find a way to still feel he's "with" her even though he's away.

[monkey_magic]

Em,

All clear is excellent news. You can put all that worry away.

Must be feeling relieved.

😁

[ecomama]

Hi Sleepy

Yes it's a "thing" we have bec of the types of abuse we suffered.

Well done for getting your printer lol... good luck with getting your desk too.

Your mother does what my mother does too... they're naturals at the manipulation / enmeshment thing aren't they?

Like NOT giving you what you wanted to take, making excuses an all, only to make sure you have to come back again.

Bit like the car thing you had going on with them.

My mother always gave away things that were mine and she knew I loved them. It was really upsetting at the time.
demon just stole them to sell no doubt.

It's TOTALLY the weirdest feeling I have about the boundaries of my home now.
Sure there's still damage done accidentally by the kids and their friends but that's not counted at all, it's not malicious at all.

It's like ALMOST for the first time in my life, my things are "safe" - well maybe as safe as they can be.

I don't understand some people, I really don't. I know they're not mentally well to do such things but I can't understand HOW they can enjoy manipulating others.
It's dark.

Yes prodigal son. He's doing REALLY well with his marks at school. Behind in the subjects he has no teachers for though. Plus the school is just adding to his Bill to pay them at some point.
Anyway he said he's just concentrating on studying to try to get the best marks he can to get into Uni.

But it sounds like he is settling in down there and looking at a Uni there now.

I can't tell you how low I feel about that. I know it's supposed to be something a parent gets used to, but it's difficult.

It'll be interesting to see GF again, I haven't seen her since she butted in on my talk with son 2 months ago. Then got upset and involved her family etc.

BF hmmm, Alexa got to see BF more than the other ACs bec she was living here at the time with her kids when he was in Aus. She said she can see how much he loves me but thinks he's so full of fear about the thought of leaving the U.S.
He doesn't like to admit he's fearful of anything, except snakes lol.

BF said I didn't RESPECT him by not supporting his business idea. No one else he's told thinks it's a good idea either btw, so now I'm lumped in with ALL these others who haven't supported him about it and "blocked" him from doing it.

So I said DO IT.
But that's a definite that he can't come to Aus any time then.

I don't think he'll ever be happy unless he does it. And when it fails and he's broke, then he'll feel worse.

Oh well

EMxxxx