new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[monkey_magic]

Hi EM,

Slowly, slowly catchy demon. I love it hehe...I'm smiling so hard right now.

You are such a supportive mum making sacrifices for younger daughter. You're the ideal mum.

Work can wait. A human life can't. I respect your priorities.

Some councillors are great sounding boards and advice givers. Glad you've got an awesome one. I've had an awesome one for a long time too, plus I ring life line for a chat. Friends are also invaluable.

Oooh a Balinese garden. Very luscious and beautiful.

Hope you find some laughs along the way today...

💖

[ecomama]

lolol hi dearest monkey_magic

You're very sweet saying that. I'm nowhere near perfect btw, never aim to be... just try hard for my kids. We're getting there. We've bounced back fast.

I'm not gonna spend more time than absolutely necessary going on about the psychopath bec one thing I KNOW FOR SURE is that's exactly what it wants me to do.

twist myself in knots.

I'm not going to.

I've got my plan. It's straight down the line.

It's stupid to think that there isn't CCTV here (IT knows there are bec it's a thief and thieves look for such). AND AT the kid's workplace. Bec there is there too!

And witnesses the kids know.

But it's a psychopath so it knows ALL the rules and regulations.... so will not overstep these to have an AVO slapped on it. Not too easily anyhow.

I'm so proud of the son who was there at work. He could SEE psychopath on CCTV from where he was working.
Apparently psycho said he wasn't leaving until son came to tell him himself.

Son's message via co-worker was "Tell him he has 2 minutes to leave or I'm calling the Police".

Instincts: weeks ago I told my bf and eldest D that my instincts felt demon & family were talking about us.... making plans.... I put this feeling on the backburner since the potting mix in the gutters had triggered thoughts of demon & the stupid freaking lengths it goes to screw things up in my life AND always always cause me more WORK.

But my instincts were 100% correct.
This was a plan of theirs carefully executed.

Not enough to call Police. Not enough for an AVO. But plenty to push the message that it won't give up.

And now it gets the sympathy it so desperately needs to get more out of people.

ALL happening as I plan my Balinese garden!! I sound quite crazy but I am collecting this as evidence. It's filed. Done.

Now to move on fast and get back on track with the life I WANT to lead. A beautiful, exotic garden.... it's still a shambles of huge piles of cuttings of branches and logs...

So my dual life continues.... slowly slowly catchy demon and slowly carefully create my Paradise!

Ahhh the karma I am creating. It's pretty AWESOME!

Chiminea FIRE tonight lol.

EM

[Guest_498]

Hey,

I've just logged on to BB forum. I'm responding to individual threads at a time. Sorry I was absent here on the forum yesterday, as my current flatmate has given notice and had to meet people via zoom for a new one. I'll talk about that later.

I HEAR you with AVO, Court, Police & all its processes etc. It's overhelming, stressful and not to mention time consuming. It drains you emotionally as well as financially too. You know what to do and what's right for you and your family. I'm here to support you as much as I can. I prayed for you and your family the other night, whilst I prayed to beg God to stop the pain I'm in.

I haven't been myself since my mum came 'round to drop the envelope off. As I've said it's a HUGE trigger for me! The feeling is quite overhealming, actually. I've been struggling to get out of bed or do anything. I've been forced to meet my new flatmate though (yes, this one just fell into my lap).

My current flatmate told me he's got things to take care of within his family and gave me notice few days ago (he's got family issues too). Naturally, because I've been severley metally abused, I thought it might've been because of me (low self-confidence). My anxiety kicked in. I had to ask him again. His response (God bless him): "No, you're effing awesome to live with, I love it here and I don't want to go" "it's not you at all, I told you I have to take care of family business". I'm a bit sad he's leaving - he was pleasant to live with.

Had a zoom meeting with a 35 yo woman. I was excited to potentially live with a female. When we met via zoom, we just didn't connect. I think the feeling was mutual.

Met my new flatmate yesterday and he seems nice. We got along well. Hes 30 yo high performance mechanic. He rang me last night and said he wants to live with me. I said yes. The only problem is .. he's very EASY on the eyes. He's a cute Italian male. Erm ... ok. lol. He said to me "wow, I can't believe you're 40. I said neither can I.

The deal was done. He's coming 'round tmr to pay the bond but won't be able to move in right away. Need to exit the place he's living in now.

[Guest_498]

Onwards & upwards indeed Ems. I know sweetie, I feel that your message about seeking a good counsellor was directed at me. I hear you loud and clear! I just can't seem to go down that avenue at the moment. I'd really like to and desperate for a good one.

You sound much much better though. Your spirits have lifted, and this, in turn, lifted mine somewhat. It gives me joy knowing you're ok.

Love Blubes

[Guest_498]

They're sweet words to Ems, Monkey. You're a sweetheart. xx

[Guest_498]

You GO girl. Ms powerful Ems!! Don't allow the pieces of shyte get to you. Don't let him win. No more thoughts and wasted emotions on him, NEVER again

xx

[ecomama]

15 x I've tried to sit down to write but my chiminea keeps spewing out embers on to my balcony and I have to sweep them off it lol.

I'll be up and down now...

I'm sorry I didn't say how sweet your words are monkey... it was so nice of you. Thankyou.

Oh I didn't tell you what my bfs "list of behaviours" was to me this week.
One of them was accepting compliments.
I'm not good at it.

Blu-berry! Don't you know me by now?? lol... I AM pretty upfront. I didn't intend that comment for you... it was to everyone experiencing DV. You & I have already had that convo.

All good.

Grey area son who worked today told us all that he was pretty scared for the whole 2 hours he was at front counter serving. Expecting demon to turn up.

I must remind him it's pay day. Demon's drunk by 4pm Thursday, usually takes Fridays off "sick"... then stays drunk till Monday morning till it has a severe hangover.

That's why demon didn't turn up to the kid's workplace till Tuesday. It sent others while it was getting drunk.. oh I mean "sick" like it does every week. And every night.

Hence it needing a minion to drive lol!

Or maybe it's gone DUI again. How sweet. JUST the type of role model NOT to have.

Last thing... this is my cue for you ALL to say how proud of me you are.. besides not reacting to demons anywhere outside BB.... WE HAVE CLEARED one massive 15 metre x 7 metre wood pile... OMG!! The ground underneath it hadn't seen the sunlight since December 2018 lol.
January 2019 was when we started that pile, cutting huge branches pushing our fence over.
I've used or burned all of it. Nothing in green bin from that pile. I had an equally large one in front garden lol.

EM

[ecomama]

Blubes

Re: NEW flatmate

I'm so sorry you've had to lose your nice quiet flatmate. Darned shame there.

But hey... the new one sounds lovely. You is a dang fast, smooth operator there!

I must tell you that my bf has German & Italian heritage. So he's clinically clean and extremely passionate. PERFECT! And boy can he cook.

His mum looked like a mix of Sophia Loren and Elle McPherson but with blue eyes. His dad looks like a mix of Tony Bennett and Frank Sinatra. SO beautiful.

I was worried about the clinically clean part. I'm "normal" clean with a billion kids and animals - I kid you not. Seems like it! But bf said not to worry, we'd get a cleaner. FINE by me.

Good luck with new flatmate.

Love EM

[Guest_498]

Hey beautiful,

Sorry I fell asleep last night, as I haven't had good sleep lately, and didn't answer. I'll write to you and the clan soonish.

xx

[Guest_498]

Hey Ems,

'list of behaviours' from bf? lol. I will NOT comment. His mother sounds beautiful - she would've been (perhaps still is) in her day. Your bf at the initial stages sounds romantic and loving, too. I suppose LDR (I recall the acrynom) is taking its toll on both of you. I just wanted to say sorry about being hard on him. I know you love him. I'm here to protect you though Ems, not him so, if I came across harsh in our convo about him, it's because of this reason only.

I do hope and pray that Demon stays away from you guys. But I have a feeling he won't any time soon. I will pray that God keeps him at bay for you.