new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Update: Youngest Daughter - YD

Horrible week.

Sunday night YD poured her heart out for 3 hours. She wanted the world to swallow her up & not be here anymore plus:
* hates school, teachers are horrible (they pretty much are), hates school work (she once was a very studious child)...
* wants to leave school (too young)
* said she's never happy
* nothing makes her happy like it used to
* feels overwhelmed every day just having to wake up
* her psych is doing nothing for her - it's a waste of time
* not happy with her friends at school - they're not very nice, not kind to her at all, don't include her no matter what she does for them...

I held her hands.
Gave her tissues for her tears.
Didn't cry (but did the next morning).
Was aware the whole time to "hold space" with her & be as present as possible.

I didn't have a clue what to "do".
My Counsellor had prepped me for these times & said "just be her mum".

So I said "Ok you're having the week off school" then she sobbed harder! I thought I said the wrong thing but she said she was crying because she felt so grateful that I understood & YES she wanted the week off.
I asked her how we could help her?
She said a different education path.
Traineeship with her casual job.
No pressure to do dancing for 6 months (which she acknowledged wasn't from me but from her dancing teachers).
Less pressure all round (after digging it was from her teachers, her peers & herself).
No comparisons between siblings (omg awful... she realised it was from herself also).

I thanked her for sharing.

THEN is there something you're looking forward to? (I held on with clenched teeth hoping there was ONE thing!)
Yes thank God:
* my birthday & sons birthdays coming up... so sweet..
* Uni (😮 too much pressure I think - that's YEARS away - but ok something in the future)
* getting her Ls (she didn't want to drive before)
* talking to her bosses about a Traineeship (😮 gosh the courage!)
* getting a NEW psychologist, one who will ask the hard questions about the S.A.s. (OK she's ready to talk about it. Freaking fantastic).

I added walking the dog with me AFTER any take away food - she chuckled.
Swimming with me.

The next morning I called bosses, they gave me time off work (again).

Called GP. Called Psychology Clinic, YD needs to change psychs to my Clinic.

Organised our week a little. A few nice things.

GP confirmed what I said about seratonin by Vit D, exercise, happy times.

EM

[ecomama]

Update: everything

YD had her first day back at school and texted me often saying she felt sick. I was at work and after so much time off (almost another 3 months) I just felt I couldn't leave to pick her up. I managed to pick up all the kids from school though which made them all happy.

She's not eating much all day and may have dinner.

In some areas she's ok and in others not so good.

I'm trying to catch up to how she's feeling in periods throughout the day. It's really exhausting with everything else on my plate.

Tonight she took an extra shift at work but one boss she had tonight has been quite rude to her and tonight was the same. I was ready to ask for a meeting with him a few weeks ago over this.
IDK what to do about it. He's just plain nasty to her and obviously kind and friendly to others.

Both YD and myself are feeling pretty sensitive over things atm.

I can feel myself sinking lower.
People at work were asking me if I'm ok all day long.
I look 50 x more tired than usual. I can see it myself.

I've put some things off and they're also nagging at my mind.
They're in my diary now to just deal with on my days off. Whatever the outcome of those nagging things, I'll feel lighter with them behind me.

EM

[ecomama]

Update: dealing with unpleasant issues

I've procrastinated calls I have to make & my psych called this "self-care" lol. I didn't!
I call it self-abuse because when I put off things of a difficult nature, then I think about them a ruminating fashion at times. So that's not "care".

Due to the machinations of my mind & also with an extremely busy schedule with work, all the children, I needed a strategy of how to deal with these things so I could cope but also feel good about them afterwards. This is what I struggled with. It just all felt too depressing tbh.

After reading & reflecting on other's posts & also the Manifestation thread here, I came up with a strategy.

I book in the 'unpleasant' call (or email or paperwork) in my diary AFTER a pleasant event & BEFORE the next pleasant event.
Maximum 2 "unpleasants" in one day & only on my days off.
These are pretty hard core 'unpleasants' eg dealing with legal paperwork, contacting Victim's Services, dealing with YDs sexual abuse recovery journey on a larger scale.

I'm mentally preparing that ALL calls & paperwork will end badly, like an optimistic pessimist view which helps lol. It's a % thing.... SOME will go well so then I can be pleased with my efforts.

In my diary today with only those things listed...
Pleasant activity - chai latte.
Unpleasant call No 1. (already done yay! They are calling back so .. 🙄)
* Added extra unpleasant task whilst in the zone.
* No 1 called back.
Pleasant-ish - appt with Chiro.
Unpleasant No 2.
Pleasant-ish thing - watering garden or being in the garden is lovely.

I found myself a "bit wobbly" in the period after the unpleasant and before the pleasant... I'm trying out things like calling / texting a friend, putting on boppy music & doing housework, vacuuming to get a LOUD thing happening to distract my mind.

But whilst I was in 'the zone' I decided to tackle another 'unpleasant' thing after No 1 & call then email more SA Psychs for YD. YD has had 2 days off school. Cara Care is too far away, they gave me another psych to contact which I did.

I feel alot better tackling these unpleasant things. The first call ended up being $3000 for us - 1 down & success which is great. The most wonderful thing (not denying money isn't great) but the best thing for me was being able to tackle those tasks that were bewildering, sad, overwhelming & HAVING THEM BEHIND me.

I feel lighter.

Just in time to build a huge fire pit tomorrow for my birthday.

EM

[ecomama]

Update: "too much"

I overdid the strategy for trying to handle difficult calls, emails, paperwork. I felt very depressed after 1.5 days, tackling 7 unpleasants, instead of only 3 (I have so many to do and the list seems endless) and broken sleep - picking up kids from work at all hours.

3 of my friends have terminal illnesses now. Friends of over 40y. I'm overwhelmed with grief at times & it's perpetuating the depression. So is the physical exhaustion. 9 times out today dropping kids to work & picking them up with only 2h max between drop offs. Going till 3am and starting again at 7am. I'm so tired.

I was so sad this morning when I realised that all but 1 child forgot my birthday celebration today. I just woke up & cried. I didn't go crook. I just had tears in my eyes as they told me their extra shifts & plans.

IDK, I feel completely unimportant to anyone. I know I'm 'important' to them but not really.

1 grandchild made me 2 beautiful cards & I will absolutely treasure these. The only "gifts" I received. I'm so grateful for these.

I know I went overboard doing 7 unpleasants. Now I have 3 more to do on Monday, while I'm at work, on my actual birthday. I have to get this paperwork in THAT day. So much of this stuff is of an urgent nature, with "due dates". I'm like a pinball being flicked about in a machine. No human emotion. No one realising or caring that this is all too much.

No one else able to help me.

I hit a dead end with SA Counsellors for YD and phoned 1800RESPECT and spoke to the BEST Counsellor ever. That call gave me more numbers to call yesterday. Still no answers.
YD is doing ok and ever happy to work extra shifts... lol a family trait being a workaholic.. not surprising really. I guess it helps for now.

I napped yesterday & today, had an alarm to pick up kids. I dragged myself out of bed. I know this heavy feeling of depression, under a 7ft thick wet blanket. I know it's no wonder but I can't have it own me.

Time for self-care and self-compassion. I can barely believe that soon my friends will be gone.
I'll run a hot bath between pick ups tonight and watch something great online... I hope. IDK.

If the absolutely gruesome things were off my plate, I know things would be easier.
It's just not the case atm. I have to deal.

EM

[Croix]

Dear EM~

First off happy birthday for tomorrow, there are many who wish you well, birthday or not.

Sometimes a gentle reminder is much better than nothing and being ignored. That is the worst. No real harm in dropping the hint, it may not be as spontaneous but can still have genuine affection. My partner reminds me of our anniversary (I never remember to put it in the calendar) but the affection it gives rise to is heartfelt nevertheless.

Yes we are at that stage in life where friends and fixtures in our lives give way to memories. Friends, TV/movie stars, even some foods, all become past. No, it is not a pleasant way to be, often heart-breaking in fact, though all are still alive inside you.

I've no answer to that , I'm in the same (leaky) boat.

On another matter entirely, 1800Respect is pretty professional and do hand out suggestions as to who to contact. If you get no answer after reasonable efforts I'd suggest you let them know. They may not realize a service has finished or changed.

Reading posts of yours since you arrived her I know you have a great array of things to help you, and they need not be long when on a demanding taxi schedule but something brief, maybe a poem, maybe listening to portions of an audio book on your phone as you travel.

I actually find that last one makes me eager to start on occasions.

Croix

[blondguy]

Hi EM

HAPPY BIRTHDAY 🎁 for yesterday...Saturday 8th..or is it today Sunday 9th as Croix mentioned?

you are a legend

Paul

[ecomama]

Dear Croix

Thankyou for the birthday wishes xxxx and the hints and tips.

I felt I reminded my children about our "plans" yesterday a little too much actually starting over a week ago.

My phone just dinged, it's barely ever a text from anyone I care about asking how I am. I just don't tell anyone, no one asks. It was a reminder for my son's sweet 4 month Anniversary with his gf, I'll make a special dinner for us all tonight for that. I have that reminder in my phone but they don't have my birthday in theirs.

I do watch things on Netflix waiting for hours in carparks to pick up children running up to 3 hours late... I wait for them to call me now. This is how NYE was spent alone in a car park, child running 3h late, no phone battery left. I can't go there, it's too depressing.

I woke this morning early again for another drop off and tears were falling, I just said it was cold and my eyes were watering. I planned to go to Bunnings but couldn't, I was crying too much by then.

I realised I'm terrified.

One thing no one tells you about having children is how terrifying it is. Worse when you know they're in an abusive relationship... the threat of them not speaking to you again, being turned against you if you voice your truth about the harm, the bruises, it's terrifying.

My tears are a delayed reaction to news from eldest D yesterday that she is dating her abusive ex again. In the moment I "held space" with her very well. I said that all I want for all my children is happiness and happiness can be fleeting.

Then we ate. I felt unwell. I went to bed and slept immediately. It was like I passed out. Woke to alarms and the cycle continued.

I still feel the shock. Only months ago we had to call the Police and they were ready to press charges. D didn't want to proceed.

I saw the "buy back" and told D. Now it's clear the buy back is in full swing. D is engaging. I'm terrified. HE even remembered my birthday, the evil thing as the evil ex will too and spring something as per. NOT the presents anyone wants.

She was so physically and mentally ill after last time.

And there's nothing I can do. Just keep loving her and Praying hard for her protection.

I thought this morning that she is addicted to abuse. It's in her inherited DNA I know.

It's a difficult affliction indeed.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Thankyou Paul, you're so kind.

It's tomorrow actually.

Thankyou
EM

[Centaured]

Hey em

I hope your birthday goes ok. Be blessed.

[Guest_1055]

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Happy Birthday EM

🎊🎈🎉🎊🎈🎉🎊🎈🎊🎈

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