New at this...

Chloe95 · ‎11-12-2018

Hi,

so I don’t really know what I am doing here or if this will help...

my father was always an addict he had a major car accident that left him in a very bad way and he got violent once he was out of hospital my mum left him we moved to a new town a less then a year later I was sexually assaulted... I felt like a dealt with it with concellors and all that... then this year my sister came out that my father had let 2 men in her room... it brought back so much and I still don’t know how to deal with it... I was getting married and he was meant to be there I didn’t want him there anymore after what he did but the day I got married I was sad that he wasn’t there my own father... I don’t understand how he could do that to her or why.. I don’t understand why I am still sad that he wasn’t there when he was never there to begain with he was never a father to me so why can’t I just move on why do I still feel like shit

geoff · ‎11-12-2018

Hi Chloe, thanks for posting your comment.

I'm devastated about what happened to yourself and detest the thought that this can happen just as I'm shocked about what he allowed with your sister, but I think a daughter would always love to have her father be present at her wedding, however, under these circumstances you can't be sure what, if any problems may have embarrassed you.

I'm sorry to say this but as he was never there for you to begin with, must be disappointing.

Geoff.

romantic_thi3f · ‎11-12-2018

Hi Chloe95,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for reaching out.

I'm really sorry you had to go through what you did, and your mother and sister went through what they did too. It sounds like it's been incredibly hard.

While I don't know you, or what you've been through, I can't imagine anyone in that situation who wouldn't feel the same way. Frankly, I'd feel like shit too.

It sounds like from reading your post that you felt like you'd dealt with it when you saw the counsellors - is that right? What if maybe you saw them again?

Trauma to me is like a giant wound. In a sense I don't think it will ever go away, but we get better at coping with things (like you did after you first saw the counsellor), but then things happen - and that just opens the wound right up again. It still hurts. Even though you dealt with it, things happen that are totally out of your control that force you to look at that wound again.

I don't know why you're confused either. But I've kind of had a similar thought, and for me it wasn't just talking about it or all the bad stuff that happened, but grieving for the parent that I never got to have.

I hope some of this resonates with you ?

Idkme · ‎11-12-2018

Hi Chloe,

I’m no expert but i think you are still dealing with the emotion of your childhood experiences. This may need a professional to help you with.

It sounds like you are suffering loss of your ‘wished/hoped for dad’. But if you look at the situation from a reasonable point of view you very much did the right thing. He didn’t deserve to be there and had not earned the right.

We cant go back and change the past but we can control the future and maybe if you actually thought about it and had ‘another’ wedding you still wouldn’t want him but would still feel bad about it.... am I close?

It could be that feeling of wanting a ‘dream’ dad.... kind of like a child who wants their divorced parents to get together.

He made his choices and has to live with them.... you do the same. If he wanted to he could always come talk to you about it or apologise to those he hurt.... just saying.,...

anyway..... I think you’re very kind think about him but maybe stand back from the situation and re-evaluate from another perspective and see what you think?

Just a thought.....

Chloe95 · ‎12-12-2018

Thank you.

i guess I am sort of grieving the lost of a father... as much as I don’t want to care for him I still do I wish things were different I wish that he would care for us as much as we cared for him. It hurts me to think that my little sister had to go threw what I did when I have tried so hard to prevent it. I was meant to go to our fathers the week that this happened and I didn’t go because I was to busy with my own life and I feel like if I went I could have prevented this.

Idkme · ‎13-12-2018

Hi Chloe,

thats a huge burden to carry around. It wasn’t your responsibility and I’m certain your sister doesn’t hold you to blame at all.

You need to look for ways to be kinder to yourself. How was you to know... and if you did know is there any question what you would have done? Of course not.

Life definitely shares its unbalanced sacks of unfairness... look to the things you can draw strength from, not the ones that suck it from us. Your father sounds like a soul sucker.... maybe you’re better of looking for someone else to put your ‘faith’/ love in to....

do you still maintain a good relationship with your sister?

I think you will find there are plenty of people who didn’t have a father figure out there for many reasons, sure they are sad about it, but they survive and are successful. You can be too... you don’t need him... you absolutely didn’t need him when he did those horrible things.... he doesn’t deserve you. Give your love to someone more deserving.

Lets see if we can change that regret to a positive.... so what do you regret and how can that become a more positive thing?

Idkme · ‎13-12-2018

.... continued from last post.....

heres an example. “I regret not going to my fathers that day”..... can change to “if I’d known what was going to happen there is no way known in hell that I would have left my sister there”. Or “it is devastating that it happened but I’m glad I’m here to support her through this struggle now”

just thought I’d add that.,,. Which one sounds better to you? Can you add another?