My new Boyfriend and his old problems

[Moving forward happy]

So I have started dating someone and I recognise the signs of PTSD as I too have suffered with it. I have tried to be supportive, I have remained calmed and listened to all the stories that he has never told anyone else before. Sometimes I feel like he is telling me these things and only seeing them for the first time himself because he spent so long trying to pretend they didn’t happen or push them aside to be able to keep going on. There has been times when I’ve felt hurt because he seems to still have so much emotions about the situation all which involves his ex and the trauma she inflicted on him over years. He has assured me that he no longer has any feelings for her at all. Is he just processing things? Dealing with them for the first time? There has even been intimate times that we have shared together where he ends up crying and saying that he can’t believe that he spent so many years feeling unloved and now he knows what love feels like. I want to be able to support him in the best possible way, and I think I could do that better if I understood what he is feeling. Any advice would be appreciated.

[therising]

Hi Moving forward happy

I imagine you to be an absolutely naturally beautiful person, having this incredible ability to bring out the best in your partner.

It sounds like you are inspiring him to go deeper, become more conscious, even if this is simply through your presence, your nature. From what you say, I imagine you are leading him to finally understand how true love feels. He sounds pretty overwhelmed by this new feeling. A moment of feeling incredible love can be breathtaking, it can literally take your breath away when it expresses itself in both a soulful and physical way. You are leading him to greater self understanding. I can imagine there will be moments where it suddenly hits, where he comes to understand that a lot of what he once believed were his faults are really faults his ex possessed, not him. This is the kind of stuff that liberates someone to begin feeling love for themself, something they may never have felt before, ever. Again, it sounds like you are leading your partner to discover the best in himself. It sounds like no one else has been able to do this to the same degree as you. With this incredible ability, I wouldn't be surprised if you revealed how people just naturally gravitate toward you as some sort of light in their life.

One thing you could perhaps consider is getting a feel for what your partner's feeling. If he suddenly feels a hit of inspiration, can you imagine what this feels like? If he feels deep disappointment in himself, can you sense what that feels like? Perhaps you could create a list of feelings and see if you can get a feel for them yourself. Maybe you could reference when you've felt moments of joy or disappointment etc. This kind of exercise comes with a bit of a warning: Keep in mind these are his feelings, his physical sensations. Be careful not to adopt them as your own. For example, if you start feeling a little exhausted at some point and have no idea why, it's possible you're feeling his exhaustion, based on a lot of the personally exhausting things he's told you or if you're beginning to feel depressed, this could be based on him possibly facing elements of depression (if this happens to be the case). Manage not letting his feelings bring you down, if that makes sense.

It sounds like you're raising your partner up and out of where he was. I imagine he has no interest in going back there again unless he wishes to be self destructive. You are a gift to him and I bet he feels this.

🙂

[therising]

Hi Moving forward happy

Something else came to mind that I thought may make a positive difference to you and your partner:

As he begins to get more in touch with his feelings, the possibility may arise where he becomes more and more focused on them, to the point where they're distracting his focus away from his relationship with you. For example, if his ex led him to feel degradation and a lack of inspiration, he might remain focused on these feelings. Personally, I used to remain focused on the negatives and even obsess over them until someone led me to focus on the positives regarding my feelings. Their advice 'Now you know what degradation and a lack of inspiration feel like (as sensations in your body), can you use these feelings/senses to pick a degrading and uninspiring person in a room full of 50 people?'. Your feelings all of a sudden become reference points for reading or getting a 'feel' for people and situations. This could become a practice the 2 of you could share together.

My daughter's what I call 'a sensitive'. The 2 of us can walk into a room together and if I can feel that room full of people suddenly bringing me down, I might say to her 'Can you feel that?' Her response at times is 'Yep. Do you want to leave?' and off we go, especially if we're looking to feel a high.

🙂

[PamelaR]

Hi Moving forward

Thank you for sharing your story. PTSD is difficult isn't it. Especially if both partners have it. I'm in the same situation as you. It was over 40 years before I found out what it was that I'd experienced all my life. That walking into a room and picking up on everyones energy - good, bad and indifferent.

You talk about - you could understand better, if I understood what he is feeling. I might be wrong, but that says to me that perhaps there is some more work you may need to do for your own PTSD. I was first diagnosed about 9 years ago and it wasn't until about 3 years ago that I realised I needed to learn about feelings - what they were, what it meant, how could I deal with them as they arose. One of my lovely psychologists helped me work through some of these. She explained that because of my experiences the intensity of the feelings would be much greater and more difficult to identify and to manage. However, once I started to be able to identify these, to acknowledge and to accept them things would settle. Well, for me, that's what happened. It took about 18 months - 2 years for the intensity of the feelings to decrease. But they have - thank goodness.

Now, I try to not let others feeling affect me as much as they have done throughout my life. My partner is currently experiencing some anxiety (significant) and it's a time when I have to manage my own feelings so that I don't get swept into his spiral. It isn't easy, but I talk to him about what's happening to me (so I don't make him feel worse). But at the same time, trying to get him to do something about his own mental health. It is complex, but things can work out. Keep talking with one another.

Hope some of this may help.

[Moving forward happy]

I wasn’t really thinking about myself, but my god your so right. I pick up on the slightest mood change, he says before he even gets the chance to process the thought I’m onto him asking “what’s wrong?” We laugh about it but it is a big problem for me and your right I do need to do some work on myself too. Thank you, it’s so easy to get caught up in one way of thinking and seeing things in one way. I really needed that.

[Moving forward happy]

Your message made me cry, I didn’t realise there was a place like this where you could get so much support and useful information, where people take the time out to actually respond with so much depth and thought. I too am one of those people who sense absolutely everything and I don’t know where my feelings end and theirs begin, but I have started to take some of the advice you gave about not adopting his feelings as my own and trying to look at all the positives and he agrees there are many. Thank you so much for your help and your thoughtfulness and giving me the opportunity to ask questions and express myself because without this I probably would have made a mistake but for once I think we have handled things well, thank you again. Xxx

[PamelaR]

Hi Moving forward

I'm pleased to hear that you could take something away from my post. Yes, I understand what you mean about getting into the pattern of one way of thinking. I did that for years. During my 20s and 30s - my view on the world was the right view, there were no others. LOL. I think going to uni in my late 30s helped me realise there are so many differing ways to look at things - depending on one's values, beliefs, experiences etc. If you're interested I can share another experience of picking up on a person's mood -

During my 40s I worked with this boss who often came in very tense, very ..... And of course, what I know of myself now is - I use to close down. I'd become moody, sulky, non communicative. Him, being a psychologist picked up on this and use to challenge me. And of course the more he did, the more I became uncooperative. He never realised himself that he was - passive aggressive, moody, highly stressed and passing on all his bad energy. Somehow we managed to work together 10 years. There were others in the office who made it a pleasure to be there so it kind of balanced out. And me being the positive person I was could move on when he wasn't around.