My girlfriend is verbally and emotionally abusive to me when things go wrong for her

[rhinoceros]

I have been in this relationship for two years now but I'm starting to think that it's having a detrimental effect on my own health and well-being. While the intimacy issues are not a problem any more, I have for the most part got over these and we enjoy a normal intimate relationship. I love her dearly and want to be with her but sometimes she can be very cruel.

The problem is that when things go wrong for my partner, she takes it out on me. I end up getting verbally and emotionally abused. She has no friends, and no close family.

The less severe 'episodes' involve silent treatment, where I will be trying to comfort her and find out what the problem is and she simply won't respond. I understand sometimes we don't want to talk about things, but I end up being completely ignored. Eventually I get snapped at, more or less being told to leave her alone. I'll try to give her a hug or something and I'll be pushed away. Given the fact that I have quite bad self-esteem issues, largely as a result of the intimacy problems I've experienced while in this relationship (ED due to anti depressents) I find this treatment really hard to cope with.

More severe incidents have included where I've been physically shoved and pushed. Last weekend was one of these. It started off with long, drawn out silent treatment. After a whole evening of this I got tired of this explained that it's not fair to take out whatever the problem is (in this case, a work issue) on me- I'm here to help and support. I tried to give her a hug and was verbally abused. In that tyrade of being yelled at she inferred that I only wanted to hug her because I wanted one thing only (sex).

I see a counsellor to help with my anxiety and relationship issues. He is concerned that my relationship is abusive. I never saw it that way, however after this last weekend I am starting to see it now. For the first time, I realised that I am being treated differently to how I treat her - it's not equal in any way.

I miss being in a relationship where I can feel relaxed and comfortable and not have to worry about what the next episode is going to be. My partner has been quite supportive of me in my ups and downs. I do want to persevere through this as I don't want to lose her, and I do love her very much. She is a nice person and does care for me, but there is a mean streak that comes out I don't know how cope with it any more.

Sorry for the long winded post - I am struggling to get my head around all of this.

[rhinoceros]

I took her out for lunch today, she barely spoke to me.
I gave her a hug before I left her and she kind of huffed and left. She definitely didn't like me hugging her.

She's stressed about work stuff at the moment, I can't fix those things for her. I just want to be there for her and try and make her happy but she acts like she can't stand me.

[GemAndLogan]

Rhinoceros,

It breaks my heart to read about how you're feeling and what you're going through right now, I can relate to your situation as I have been in an abusive relationship in the past and the stress it causes is unbelievable.

Being scared of your partner is a horrible feeling and it really doesn't have to be this way.

You do not deserve to be treated this way, how medication effects your body is not your fault and you should not have to apologise for it, it sounds like your partner really lacks any understanding or empathy for what you're going through which is a real shame.

If talking through it doesn't help, if she refuses to see a counsellor with you to help communicate better within your relationship or to give her a better understanding of your condition then it sounds like she doesn't really want things to get better or she isn't worried about how things are at the moment.

I hate to say this, but I feel like it would be best for you to take a break from her and get some perspective of where this relationship could go.

Partners are supposed to be supportive, caring, loving, loyal and someone you can really count on to be there for you. It doesn't sound like you have any of this from your relationship.

Months after I left my abusive partner, I met my current partner who is the most amazing man I have ever met.

I loved my abusive partner, despite everything he put me through and I thought that I would be with him forever. Leaving was hard but it was only after leaving him that I realised how much better things can be and how much happier life can be.

Take care of yourself, I really hope things work out for you

Post any time : )

Gem xo