My girlfriend is verbally and emotionally abusive to me when things go wrong for her

rhinoceros · ‎02-05-2018

I have been in this relationship for two years now but I'm starting to think that it's having a detrimental effect on my own health and well-being. While the intimacy issues are not a problem any more, I have for the most part got over these and we enjoy a normal intimate relationship. I love her dearly and want to be with her but sometimes she can be very cruel.

The problem is that when things go wrong for my partner, she takes it out on me. I end up getting verbally and emotionally abused. She has no friends, and no close family.

The less severe 'episodes' involve silent treatment, where I will be trying to comfort her and find out what the problem is and she simply won't respond. I understand sometimes we don't want to talk about things, but I end up being completely ignored. Eventually I get snapped at, more or less being told to leave her alone. I'll try to give her a hug or something and I'll be pushed away. Given the fact that I have quite bad self-esteem issues, largely as a result of the intimacy problems I've experienced while in this relationship (ED due to anti depressents) I find this treatment really hard to cope with.

More severe incidents have included where I've been physically shoved and pushed. Last weekend was one of these. It started off with long, drawn out silent treatment. After a whole evening of this I got tired of this explained that it's not fair to take out whatever the problem is (in this case, a work issue) on me- I'm here to help and support. I tried to give her a hug and was verbally abused. In that tyrade of being yelled at she inferred that I only wanted to hug her because I wanted one thing only (sex).

I see a counsellor to help with my anxiety and relationship issues. He is concerned that my relationship is abusive. I never saw it that way, however after this last weekend I am starting to see it now. For the first time, I realised that I am being treated differently to how I treat her - it's not equal in any way.

I miss being in a relationship where I can feel relaxed and comfortable and not have to worry about what the next episode is going to be. My partner has been quite supportive of me in my ups and downs. I do want to persevere through this as I don't want to lose her, and I do love her very much. She is a nice person and does care for me, but there is a mean streak that comes out I don't know how cope with it any more.

Sorry for the long winded post - I am struggling to get my head around all of this.

GemAndLogan · ‎02-05-2018

Hi Rhinoceros,

Welcome : )

I'm very sorry to hear that you're having a tough time at the moment, it's really hard and emotionally draining to have a partner that causes us pain, even if they don't mean to.

You're doing yourself a great service by seeing your counsellor, especially while all this is going on. As you probably already know, he can give you advice but also extra support which we all need at times. Well done you : )

As your counsellor has said, it definitely sounds like your relationship has hit a worrying point that could be very detrimental to your wellbeing.

It is never ok to physically or mentally abuse anyone and when the person you love is responsible, it makes it even harder to comprehend. We tend to make excuses for those we love, making their behaviour seem less severe but no matter what, it is simply not ok.

Your partner needs to learn a new way of dealing with her problems/ frustration that doesn't involve taking it out on anyone else including you.

Have you tried talking to her about how you're feeling when she is not already angry? Does she realise how badly her behaviour is hurting you? Maybe she can start seeing a counsellor too or the two of can go you together?

If she doesn't want to try and work on how she's treating you or if she doesn't acknowledge how much this is affecting you then maybe taking a step back from the relationship would be a good option for you. I know you love her and she has her good points but you deserve to be happy, relaxed and comfortable in your relationship.

Please take care of yourself, I really hope it all works out for you. Post here any time : )

Gem

Goose93 · ‎02-05-2018

Wow Rhino I know how you feel. No one deserves to get treated like that. Especially not physically abused.

You seem to have the exact mindset as myself. You always just want to help. I feel as though I am failing in the relationship if my SO is not happy even if its only for hours.

I cant say ive been physically abused but this sounds so similar to my situation. I have had her own mother ask me how I put up with how badly she treats me sometimes.

My SO lost her dad to suicide at age 12 so I think thats why she has a rough outer shell and rarely shares emotions so I feel like I can be the one to help her through life, but like yourself Im struggling horribly with it now after a year and a half. My SO has never had friends her whole life.

She constantly asks me to marry her which I find nice but a bit overwhelming at times.

I dont even watch the football on the tv now, I go into my room amd watch it on my phone because I know she doesnt like it.

Im sorry I cant give you an answer because im not quiet sure myself but please know your not alone as I now feel a bit better knowing im not alone.

rhinoceros · ‎03-05-2018

Thank you for the thoughtful replies Gem & Goose

I am hesitant to bring up anything about the way she takes her frustrations/anger out on me, even when she's in a happy mood. She would see it as me criticising her, and I know for a fact that her preferred method of defence in that kind of situation is to attack. She has acknowledged (and apologised to me) for being so angry/cranky over the last few days, but unfortunately it doesn't stop these attacks from happening.

All I want to do is help her and see her happy. If she's unhappy I take that as me having failed in being a good boyfriend. I know I can't solve her problems, but when she's mad at me, I see it as me having done something wrong.

I think she would benefit greatly from seeing a counsellor, just as I have. She really struggles to empathise with other people and in my opinion needs strategies to improve the way she copes with anger. Unfortunately I seem to have become a punching bag of sorts. The chances of her ever seeing a counsellor is next to zero. This is because a family member of hers (has severe mental health issues) had very bad experiences with mental health professionals that caused her more harm than good - we witnessed this first hand sadly.

We talk about getting married frequently - which I think is great. I want to marry her. That being said with things being the way they are, and how I've seen my own physical and mental health steadily decline in the last year especially - I'm not sure how long I can last with things going as they are. She was particularly cruel the last time she lashed out and it's taken me quite some time to feel even remotely normal after that. I have been quite fragile for some time now and it hit me very hard.

Another issue that she has no friends and no close family. I feel like all the pressure is on me. I've kind of become a counsellor, friend, and boyfriend.

I'm not sure what I can do. It's hard- I love her so much yet I am starting to really dislike the way I am being treated. Nothing I do is ever going to be good enough.

Guest_1055 · ‎03-05-2018

You have every right to hate the way she is treading you. Because it’s not right. You have not failed either. And Olof course you want to see her happy. The thing is she needs to learn to control her emotional out bursts, that is what they are. Unfortunately many of us girls and women do not learn this whilst growing up. I am not excusing her behaviour because it is not right how she is treating you. And you are not responsible for her happiness anyway. She is responsible for it. Perhaps if she learns how to control herself then she might be happier. Just my thoughts. Don’t be her punching bag, she might be looking to you for strength. Not someone to fix her, strength. Buy her a punching bag instead, and suggest for her to use it. Taking frustrations and being cruel is not okay. And I am sorry that you have perhaps been hurt by her outbursts.

GemAndLogan · ‎03-05-2018

Hi Rhinoceros, no problem at all : )

You definitely haven't failed as a boyfriend, the fact that you're here looking for ways to help your relationship proves how much you want to fix it. It sounds like you're doing your best in a difficult situation and that is not a failure.

You shouldn't have to walk on egg shells with your partner, talking through things that upsets us is so important in building a happy, functioning relationship.

No one is perfect and we never like to feel like we're being criticised but it is much better in the long run to talk through things and work together on ways of dealing with these issues rather than just pretending everything is ok when it's not. That will not only be detrimental to your mental health but also the relationship can't last like that.

I hate to say it but if she refuses to talk about this rationally and acknowledge the damage her behaviour is causing you, then it will never get better. Part of improving ourselves is acknowledging those things that we need to work on, if she doesn't see a problem then in her mind- there isn't one and things won't change.

You also can't continue being all her relationships, the pressure on you would be immense and unsustainable long term- does she have any hobbies? Maybe she can try something new or join a class/sports team or club to meet new people and ease the pressure on you.

It really sounds like you need to have a really good talk to her, I know you're worried about her reacting badly but she needs to realise how bad things are for you.

Again, if this doesn't work, take a step back from the relationship. Spend some time with friends or family, have a weekend away or even just a day where you can be away from the relationship and give yourself that breather to decide what's best for you.

You shouldn't be feeling how you're feeling right now, it isn't ok and it can't last long term. You need to do what's best for you and put yourself first, you deserve to be happy and if your partner can't see that then maybe this relationship isn't what's best right now

Please look after yourself, post any time if you need support.

Gem

geoff · ‎04-05-2018

Hi Rhinoceros, your situation is exactly the same as what my 25 marriage was like except there was no physical abuse, but the silent treatment, definitely, then the emotional abuse.

If my wife wasn't working she would lay in bed, wouldn't talk with me but would if either son spoke to her, and the only way to overcome this was by me apologising for something I didn't know, so I said I'm sorry it was all my fault!

There were many times when I had to be careful in what I said, simply because I didn't want the silent treatment.

We both loved each other until the last few years when I was plagued with depression, but the way she treated me wasn't right, and to try and reverse the situation, impossible.
Before we married everything was easily handled to a certain degree.

If she doesn't feel as though she needs to talk with a counsellor 'because there is nothing wrong', then there will be problems later on, and no, she will not get better.

I think it would be a good idea for you book an appointment with your GP.

With your situation it's whether you can learn to tolerate her behaviour or will it get worse, I can answer that for you. but it's not up to me.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

rhinoceros · ‎04-05-2018

Thank you everyone again for the kind responses.

It sounds like I need to find some way I can bring this up with her, hopefully in a way that doesn't cause her to get overly angry and defensive. I think I need to try to be a bit more assertive in this relationship too, things are more one sided than I have ever realised.

We have been together for over two years now- and I have to admit that for a lot of it I have been treading on eggshells in many respects. I have an awful sense of guilt because for quite some time I suffered painfully humiliating issues with intimacy as a result of my AD medication. She didn't understand that it wasn't her fault, no matter how many times I tried to explain it to her that it was in no way any reflection of how I felt about her. I was screamed at many times in these circumstances and I think it really damaged me and made everything worse.

I can relate to your situation you described Geoff. When she has these 'blow ups' or decides to start with silent treatment, I always end up being the person apologising. Even when I've done absolutely nothing wrong, and I know full well that I really have nothing to be sorry for. It's extremely rare that I ever get an apology from her.

I don't doubt that she loves me but I'm finally starting to see now that I treat her in a totally different way to how she treats me.

This weekend I am going to try and catch up with an old friend and get some time out, even if only for an hour or so.

I have an appointment with my counsellor for next week, I think it will be really helpful just to talk some of this nasty stuff over.

I hope that this weekend is nicer than last weekend.

geoff · ‎05-05-2018

Hi Rhinoceros, thanks for getting back to us and if the medication was causing problems so that intimacy was a problem, that's not your fault, antidepressants can do this and you won't know until you start taking them.

The same also happened to me, so I was told to stop taking them straight away, because with this added on to any other problems just compounds the whole issue.

At that time for me there was no intimacy, and my wife never ever sorry to me, she just went silent.

I hope your w/end much is better.

Geoff.

rhinoceros · ‎07-05-2018

Unfortunately this weekend really wasn't any better than the last. Saturday was okay, Sunday was horrible. I did see a good friend on Sunday - that helped. I am not really allowed to see female friends one on one as that intimidates her, only male friends as she doesn't see them as a potential threat.

I feel extremely lonely and sad. Everything that I do isn't good enough, or is wrong. Everything that happens is my fault. Doesn't matter what happens, I'm made to apologise.

On Sunday I was told that I'm not wanted sexually any more. My problems with ED from the antidepressants from months and months ruined all that stuff for my girlfriend and she doesn't want me any more, at least for the time being. I was in tears and completely devastated. She was angry with me for being upset about this.

We made some really positive (well at least I though) progress over the last few months, to the point that I felt we had a normal physical relationship again. I've been seeing a sex therapist/counsellor for 1.5 years now and this has helped me lots. I was screamed at so many times when I couldn't perform due to the A/Ds that I developed a fear of intimacy. She would force me to tears. She accused me of being gay on a couple of occasions. I've managed to get over this for the most part, but I feel like the rug has been lifted from under me again.

When I experienced these awful problems I did everything I could to fix it as I felt it was completely my fault. I saw my GP, and sought out a counsellor. I can understand why my girlfriend would feel the way she does, but I feel as if I'm expected to fix it for her now somehow. I blamed myself for the anxiety and fear of intimacy I suffered thereafter.

I don't know what to do any more. I am really concerned for that this relationship is doing me more harm than good. I'm scared of her. I love her so much, but she's causing me so much pain that I don't know if I can keep doing this. I am at work and am really struggling to keep myself together.

I am seeing my counsellor on Thursday, I'm hoping to get some perspective and hopefully some ideas and strategies to help my girlfriend though her bad feelings towards intimacy with me. I am wanting her to come with me to a session with the counsellor but I don't want to even ask because I'm scared of how she will respond.