Lost after leaving mentally abusive relationship

[NMS_broken]

Apologies for the length of this post. I left my narcissistic partner nearly 4 years ago. Have been battling in court for 3.5 years over property settlement. Has been huge fight including fighting the ex-Ptrs lawyer cause they did not pay the bill so a warrant of sale was placed over my house where myself & my kids live. Ex did not comply once with anything. Has made false reports about drugs in the property, that my son is selling drugs, of child abuse against my daughter & has now even threatened to cause issues at work so I get sacked. Property settlement is finally done just recently with orders I am to pay the ex out & retain the house. I now feel lost as it would appear the bank may not finance me, I can service the loan on my income but due to how much I need to borrow they may not approve it. I have been beaten down so many times since leaving not to mention the 20 years with the ex of being mentally beaten down. I feel so lost & like my last 4 years fighting were for nothing. I have tried so hard to remain positive & focused, to keep looking for light at the end of tunnel & now I am done. I do not feel like I can continue. I have no fight left in me & do not know where to turn. I want to just crawl into a hole & never come out. I am beaten & do not feel like I am worthy of ever being happy. Every time I feel the slightest happiness something happens to break me down again. The moment I feel I am finally moving forward another hurdle is thrown at me that I have to fight & jump through hoops to get passed. I can’t take anymore of it.

[Aaronsis]

Hello NMS broken

I am so very very sorry you are feeling so exhausted and so very broken, I can hear in your message how tired you are and how difficult everything seems for you at this time. I am so glad you have reached out, to get some comfort and some support here, you never have to apologize for the length of your message, you get out what you need to and come and share as much as you like. You are among friends and will not be judged or criticized here.

Court and property settlement is so very draining and emotional at the best of time, let alone when there is all the extra layers of fighting and accusations that are so very hurtful, and also the inclusion of children and maintaining their health and happiness at this time. It is so huge and you have so very much on your plate.

If you feel that it is perhaps more helpful to speak to someone, the Beyond Blue support line is so wonderful, they are on 1300 22 4636 and are available 24/7, just to chat to someone and to get some support.

You are so very worthy, you have put up a huge fight and your children need and love you. This is a very hard time and you are showing up everyday, and you are fighting, you are needed here and you are so very very worth it NMS broken. Do you have a friend or some family that you could lean on to ask for some help and support?

If you do feel like you are unsafe and you are worried about staying safe please call Lifeline on 13 11 14, they are so amazing and can really help too, or if you are in extreme danger please call an ambulance 000, you deserve a happy life and you are worth it.

Please come and chat anytime, we are here for you and we care.

Huge hugs to you NMS Broken

AS

[ITnErd6]

Hi NMS broken,

Sorry to hear your Ex is so bad. It complicates divorce so much when one partner has personality disorders and doubly so when kids are involved.

I know having been in a similar relationship that lasted 11 yrs. It was 10 yrs ago now and complications still crop up from my Ex. 1 popped up just last week. Sigh.

I was stuck in the merry go round that is fam court for 7 years. 3 Judges, 2 trials. It sent me bankrupt. The court system doesn't seem to recognise or handle litigants with personality disorders.

Disconnecting is the only solution I have found to get some peace. I lost the connection with my son a few times during court and eventually I gave up fighting. He is at Uni now and one day I'll reconnect with him. Once that emotional link with him was gone I could disconnect completely from my Ex. In hindsight I should have walked away sooner by just making that choice.

Books I have read suggest severely limiting communications or preferably completely disconnecting is the only solution for narcissistic Exes. Reading such books can be painful though, brings back bad memories.

I understand your situation is different, you have care of the kids and they probably see your Ex on a schedule determined by the courts. But try and find ways to limit contact / communication with your Ex. Without knowing too much of your situation I'd still suggest to never talk directly to your Ex. Always better to do so via email or SMS. Phone calls or conversations during handovers can escalate very quickly.

Physical separation I also found important. I moved away from the suburb my Ex lived and worked in so there was less chance of accidentally meeting in traffic or the local shopping centre.

Cutting ties with what is now your past life is important so if you think your'e going to struggle with the mortgage repayments seriously consider selling and getting a smaller house/ unit. The emotional relief you'll get from a fresh home is worth it. And the kids are kids, they'll adapt to a new home quicker than you.

I'm happily re-married now and about 6-12 months into this relationship I had one of those great moments of realization. It was a seriously OMG moment. This is what a normal marriage is like. Holy moly. Why did I put up with my Ex for so long.

Just remember, its them. Its not you.

Keep chatting on here. I'm only new on here but it helps to share.

[Pammyk]

Hi nmsbroken,

Reading your post was like reading my story with a narcissist. I am three years free and am about to go through the same property fight. When I met him I owned my own house, mortgage free and was very confident and totally independant. After being together for 12 years and many infidelities on his side, he left me for another woman but of course didnt admit it. I know that sounds weird, but he just went for a supposed job intervue in another state, turned off his phone and the next time I heard from him was a week later. Usual excuses, told me what time his plane was getting in and when I went to pick him up the airport was closed! (Rural location)

The house I am fighting for also has a caveate on it because of his cheating one of his clients. Sound familier?

Dont despair your have got over yet another hurdle and there will be many more but every time you jump one or fall and get back up you get one more piece of yourself back.

We will be whole again