Losing the war with myself

[Guest_2350]

Hi everyone.

I first posted in this forum 5 years ago. Everything that had to do with mental illness, medication, treatment was new to me and the people on this forum helped me heaps,

I have PTSD from childhood sexual abuse and from war. Bipolar. Anxiety. Bushfires and Covid haven’t helped.

Since that first post I’ve lost my job because of discrimination. I tried to kill myself twice. I’ve had countless admissions, meds, one on one and group therapies. I work hard to implement what I learn, I try not to work so hard... I try new things, I try old things... I’ve lost friends and family, made new friends, lost most of them...

I don’t know what else to try, I feel defeated.

[ecomama]

Dear yggy, thankyou for posting here, I was wondering how you were going.

Yes it will all make sense. I know the feeling of being so tired explaining things to yourself, it can be exhausting.

Lately I surrendered to something I was not good at AT all. It's made the world of difference.

Seemed quite meaningless tbh but I just decided to DO IT.

I watch nothing else but comedy shows. I cut out all social media about 2y ago now and thank God for that.
I also watch YouTube clips by incredible people talking AT ME instead of me having the conversations with myself all the time.
My latest favourites are almost anything by Joe Dispenza, almost anything by Kristen Neff.
I run a warm bath and listen to these as I scrub my whole body clean.

At my hardest times this year I've just eaten soups. Made huge batches and just eaten those. And fresh fruit.

I focus on nature as my meditation and watch things growing in my garden and the birds. It gets myself out of myself for a while lol if that makes sense?

I'm beginning to do some of the things suggested like holding my own hands, rubbing my legs down, stuff like that.

My best care of myself includes all those and getting into bed by 9:30.

Reach out here, I'm hoping you have many improvements in your life.
EM

[Guest_1643]

hi yggy, good on you for going to the hopsital to get help. It's a good thing to try and has been helpful for many people

how was your stay there. the time leaving can be very raw and sensitive, please go easy on yourself. i know it can be hard to transition home. Wishing you a good and peaceful week

[Guest_2350]

Dear all x

thank you so much for your support. I can’t explain to you how much it means to me and that I’m taking things in. I can’t at the moment answer you individually but all of your words are forming something in my head, something that doesn’t make total sense to me right now, but it’s a start I think. I wish to say that I want to live, that I don’t want to die, but I’m not there yet.

Radical change. I’m questioning things that don’t work for me, haven’t worked for me, things I’ve been shying away from. And doing the opposite when I can.

I thought about finally reporting my abusers only to find out that in my country of origin there is a statutory time limit. At the moment I’m just trying to distract from this. It makes me feel numb and I don’t know what to do with the information. I don’t know if it’s ‘just the thought that counts’ and that will help me to understand in myself that it was a crime.

I’m thinking about being more open to myself about being gender questioning. I don’t know what that will mean for me, but I’ve been questioning all my life.

I’m thinking about just doing things, changing things in my life, doing things in my life without constantly thinking about consequences, plan a, b, c.... if I kill myself I hurt people too.

Thank you again.

How are you all?