Longing for May To Over Already

[TBella]

I'm struggling with the month of May.

May is full of painful memories & reminders of loss & grief.

Mothers day the reminder that I will never be a mum- all I have ever wanted since I was 5 years old was to grow up & be a good mum!

The anniversary of my dad's death & loss of losing a close friend, actually the love of my life, on the same day, different years.

And my sisters harsh reaction towards me having PTSD- that it's just a label I'm using to stay a victim. Her harsh judgement has made me feel so alone & like I can't honestly say how I'm feeling. I have to pretend I'm ok when I'm not, when I desperately just a hug & support coz I too am only human!

I go through this every May. I got through it for the last 21years so I guess I will get through this May too. I just want May to hurry up and be over! 😢

[Guest_9809]

Thats okay TBella, I am really glad if I have been able to offer some comfort.

Yes it was a huge loss when my niece died. She actually died in 2015 and obviously not 2105 as I stated above. Her family have had even more difficulty accepting things than would normally be the case, as there has been no closure as yet. The cause of the accident is still, and is likely to remain, a mystery. So thats really hard for everyone.

Its lovely that you are there for your nieces and nephew, and I feel pretty certain that they are most grateful to have you in their lives, and watching over them. Its a privilege and a pleasure to be a loving auntie.

As for May. Perhaps you could sit down and think of something that you really love to do. And make every effort to do it during this May. That way you can blend in some good memories amongst the bad, thus releasing some of the power of the bad memories. Is there something you've always dreamt of doing? It could be something simple and relatively inexpensive like going to the theatre, or perhaps hot air ballooning. Which I highly recommend btw. Just something good that you can associate with the month of May for future years. I have a birthday in May, and my 2nd youngest granddaughter's name is May. So May brings me some happy memories. I could lend you mine, until you develop some happy memories of your own. (-:

I really hope that this May can be one of establishing some happy memories for you. One that you can look back on with some semblance of pleasure. Perhaps bitter sweet in many respects, but at least not all bitter.

Kindest regards,

Taurus xx

[TBella]

Thanks Taurus

i hope you & your brothers family get the answers & closure you need soon.

my niece has her birthday in May & im always grateful for that as we come very close to losing her & her mum when she was born.

I struggle to find joy in anything at moment coz I have to go alone. But I love singing so I will sing my way thru May & probably do lots of cleaning to keep me occupied 😊

One day when finances allow I will travel! Also like to get a Labrador pup when I get my own place. Bit hard while I rent & move regularly.

Thanks again for your love & support 😊

[SuperSonic]

Thanks TBella, your words mean a lot to me, as few people understand what it's like to have a relationship with your mother - which looks to everyone else as fine- but is actually void of love.

I've finally come to the acceptance of the fact that it's never going to happen. So I won't be hurt anymore by expecting love. I'll do what I need to do as a daughter, but my heart is no longer on my sleeve.

Thanks for your advice re my daughter, I was scared out of my mind when I found out I was going to have a girl - I thought I would be destined to repeat it all again. But so far it hasn't been that way; and I'm working hard to ensure I don't in someway replay the absence I felt. It's hard. In some way, I think, parents always stuff up. But she's now 11 and we are very close. Certainly something I didn't have as a child.

Anyway, thanks again. Hope you are doing well x

[TBella]

Thanks SuperSonic

I think being a parent would be the hardest, most terrifying & at times gut wrenching/ heartbreaking job in the world!

wishing you & your daughter all things good & only good things 😊

Tbella

[Croix]

Dear TBalla and Supersonic~

TBella: the month is over, I hope you can concentrate of the fresh and your house has that certain sparkle after so much cleaning 🙂

Supersonic: I don't think one needs to have fears about a parent's conduct continuing. I guess in a back to front sort of way if you have those fears they won't happen.

My own parents ware domineering, false and unloving, and whatever ills my offspring might (privately) think I have those are not among them. They served as examples of how not to do things, just as I'm sure your mother's conduct does for you.

Take care both of you

Crooix

[TBella]

Thanks Croix 😊