Long Term Thread: Overwhelming Situations

[Tay13]

As Per "Community Champions" advice - I plan to start a long term thread.

For a place that I can go when I need to let a few things go.

(I hope that my words stay the same - as I'm not trying to be destructive: few of my comments previously were changed around so my points I was trying to make became quite confusing and frustrating)

As a very bland, undetailed start - I started self harm at age 11, was in PMH Eating Disorders program from age 14 to 19 for Anorexia Binge/Purge type, Complex PTSD, Clinical (?) Anxiety and have heard bits and pieces in between many hospital visits and extremely short term (3 visits MAX) 'mental health councilors'. I am currently 23 + have a 3 months old son.

Today I want to post what I wrote down this morning to get a metaphorical ball rolling - in hopes this is a better Idea than what I am second guessing now.

---

"I am constantly overwhelmed or underwhelmed.
Fighting or obeying this perfectionism.
It drives me mental.
I have no feeling of content - Always needing more or much, much less.
My mind works in 1000 words a minute + is increasingly hard to hone in + settle or embrace some sort of common ground, to process + accomplish.
I don't even know how to begin to elaborate - If I need some help or not.
My Major concern is never being 'Good enough'
Secondary is feeling as though I've missed out - on living or discovering + embracing my 'self'.

Things are too complicated to be one or the other.
Example: I've been extremely stressed before + feel once you've dove these deep waters of Psychosis its extremely hard to determine if I am 'sad' or 'depressed' - I say, I guess I'm "Overwhelmed"

---

[Croix]

Dear Tay13~

Welcome back, congratulations on your son. May I ask if you are still with your fisherman partner?

Please don't worry if some of your words are changed, if it happens I'm sure it is simply so others can read what you say in security. If there is something you would like us to know you can re-phase it. This can sometimes not give the impact you might want, but generally we read between the lines and understand.

I read your lines I think whatever you may feel you present a pretty clear picture. Can I just mention one thing, you talk of your mind going 1000 words per minute. Such racing thoughts don't have time to 'settle', or that's how it is for me, so knowing yourself at the time can be hard or confusing.

I use a lot of stuff to calm myself, there is a lot here at

Forums / Anxiety / SELF HELP TIPS FOR MANAGING ANXIETY

don't worry about the name of the thread, just have a look though and see what might help. I've found it a treasure trove.

The other thing is I've become practiced with the free smartphone app "Smiling Mind" which does bring calm and slow racing thoughts -I don't know if you have a phone though.

Looking after a 3 month old is a pretty full-time task, how do you get on? Is there anyone to give you a hand? I would be most surprised from what you have written here and at

Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Advice for nearing relapse.

If you were not a pretty good mum, plus giving up or pausing the drink and smokes is a pretty big deal.

I do hope you come back again and talk more, you are always welcome

Croix

[mrskode]

Hi Tay13

I know and understand the feeling of not feeling good enough and having missed out on life.

I grew up with an abusive mother who told me through words and actions that I wasn't good enough.

At 14, my body couldn't cope and I was suffering from extreme exhaustion, anxiety and depression. I ended up bed ridden for a few years. I feel as though my teenage years were taken awsy from me. I couldn't even finish high school. I felt as though I was left behind by my friends and I ended up in a lonely world.

Anyway that was 25 years. After 9 years of counselling, I have learned to turn some of those negatives into positives and I had to break all contact with my mother so that I could move on and find myself.

I believe there is hope of things getting better but it can take time and alot of patience.

Hopefully things will start to get better for you soon.

[Tay13]

Thanks for the tips and yes, I do have a phone so will give it a go.

Looking after my son is very difficult, but thankfully im more obsessive over doing everything right for him, smiles and trying my best at helping him develop. My own mindset I keep separate.
No, I do not get help as I do not trust (for good reason) people that have offered to lend a hand. As a minor example they do not follow what you would want for your child and do some obscure parenting tricks to help a child settle or otherwise.
My partner is basically at sea majority of the time with time spent at home being very unmotivated and somewhat unhelpful. He has always had this issue with alcohol so i'm finding this difficult to deal with at the moment. I feel I have 2 children when he is home. Its very tiring. I am on the verge of leaving the relationship even though we have just bought a house. He says I should be happy and excited about these new things in our life and Im not. I feel alone, trapped more or less a glorified slave and very undervalued. I have had to organize the whole house on the account of partner not being here. when he is out at sea its not like I can call. its absolutely no contact.
I have made an effort to meet new friends and found this more disappointing, myself more alienated and not to mention the anxiety that comes with people.

Sometimes I want to run from the whole situation - pack the car and leave.
These great things are happening around me and I feel like I just walk backwards feeling worse and worse.
My childs smile is a great motivator and makes me smile also - but there is so much emotion that comes with children.

Im unsure how being a single mum and being with my partner differ? Maybe less anxiety without him? maybe more for a while?

I really just want to be content and am really struggling with the whole self harm thing - Im at a loss.
I want to do the best for my son but I really find the internal struggle difficult and do not want to be judge for some sort of relief.

[Tay13]

I can defiantly relate.

I was in and out of inpatient treatment from 13 to 19 - I went to so many different schools and was even expelled from one for being "unhealthy" (Fainting ect.) It really does take a toll on you when you start coming out of the extremity's. You put it perfectly, in that you feel something was taken from you. I find it so hard to relate to people of my own age who are still out having fun and doing what I guess people in there 20's should be doing.
I too, didn't finish highschool because of these issues, nor any of the 4 different course I started over the years. It does make you feel quite out of place.


I'm really happy for you that counselling helped in such a way - I defiantly agree. The RIGHT people can make such an impact. They helped me to communicate feeling a lot better and have an idea of a healthy relationship. (seldom followed but the idea is there, haha)

within trying to be a better person you have so many ups and downs and states of confusion - I don't think im truly there yet, but would welcome some feeling of content stillness.

Thanks for sharing.

[Croix]

Dear Tay13~

You describe your situation and problems very clearly, and that phase of 'two children' sounds like many have told of here.

You have talked of leaving, and are unsure how it would work out. You also mentioned that people generate anxiety in you, a major downside to have to try to work through. Add to that something I feel myself -the 'being good enough' and the 'doing everything right'.

I think actually in my own case 'obsessive' is not that far from the mark, maybe it is wiht you too, an overwhelming desire to perfection, at least in some areas, even when it is not really necessary - an extra pressure.

Apart from taking the huge step of leaving and battling as a single mum do you think there are other things you might be able to do that indirectly help? I say indirect because while Smiling Mind or doing some exercise or similar can help short-term it is the long term that is more important.

From what you said your partner is on a different wavelength, thinking the physical things like a new house are important, not your care. Also perhaps that drinking too much does not matter. Or not having a sat-phone.

Are these things you could talk about with him, if not alone then in a family counseling environment?

Boundaries perhaps, maybe set a limit to how much you have to do alone, if he does not help when home then let it go, cooking, washing or whatever. Is this the sort of thing you have considered?

I have to say I think that however you feel inside I think you are pretty strong, capable and obviously have love to give. The problems you face are big ones, not trivial.

All those illnesses you mentioned in your first post here, do you mind if I ask if are you receiving proper medical support at the moment. If you can find the right people it makes a surprising difference, they do have to be experienced and the right ones for you to accept. By and large I've been pretty lucky that way.

I hope we talk some more, it is not a quick-fix situation.

Croix

[Tay13]

I agree with trying these - exercise or getting help or the apps.
I would most defiantly prefer that over leaving all that I and my partner have worked so hard for. I think most days at the moment it feels like a very uphill battle.

I really would like to be seeing someone - but living remote is VERY difficult to get any sort of help.
Before I fell pregnant I did try to see someone up here- I left within 5 mins of the appointment and was left feeling worse and in turn was more destructive than helpful.
I am feeling worse everyday and am unsure where to turn at the moment. I am way to overwhelmed with all of this.

I really wanted to enjoy this experience.
I'm angry at the lack of support and help.
So many people will put there hand up to help but when it comes to it and asking, no ones there. Or you wouldn't trust them. For good reason.
For example, I do not trust my mum with my child but, I was so over the edge, against my better judgement I left him with her, so I could have a few hours. She called after 1 hour. Saying she was tired and to come and get him.
I am happy for the 1 hour. But I am so disappointed - her lack of help, her selfishness. (I say please don't do this and it happens anyway) Where is any sort of break from stress?

I have a horrible relationship with her - I was in hostels by the age of 14 and only in recent years have tried to rekindle some sort of relationship that hasn't worked out. My partner is consistently baffled by her actions + manipulation.
so with all this anger and frustration the one thing I really thought she wanted to do (take baby for a few hours) she couldn't be bothered. I have now realized to her, it is a trophy.
Neither here nor there, I guess the point is that I'm over the edge and am angry.
I just want help and it shouldn't be this difficult - I'm alone and feel once again without help.

I was on medication from 13 to19. its been 4 years without medication and although I am proud of that and always strived to never have them again. I really feel now, maybe I should try this avenue. (difficult with visiting GPs, you never get the same one)
I don't want to do something destructive -
I'm considering finding somebody to do those skype appointments. where you can talk to a doctor or somebody helpful? I don't know if you have heard of these and could recommend anything.

So no, I am not receiving any help for any issues / with all these different overwhelming situations that I'm currently drowning in.

[Croix]

Dear Tay13

The government does pay a Medicare rebate on mental health professionals via Telehealth (like Skype), though not GPs - well this is as I understand it anyway. You also have to be in a designated Telehealth Area to attract the rebate.

Some private companies offer GP consultations but you pay their price in full.

A starting point to find out more might be

http://www.health.gov.au/internet/main/publishing.nsf/Content/e-health-telehealth

though it is hard to understand.

Perhaps our 24/7 Help Line can give you more details.

I can see why you do not trust your mother, that sounds a real let-down, more than useless, you hope, and it all falls over.

We've discussed a bit about getting medical support, and I agree you have to find the right person for it to work .

I'm not sure what you mean when you say "I don't want to do something destructive". If you are talking about taking your life or harming yourself then I'd suggest giving the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) a ring when you get overwhelmed or frightened. You can talk to the same person more than once.

My apologies if I have misunderstood - could you say more about what you meant please?

I would suggest getting the right support might be a priority right now even if difficult -what do you think?

Croix