Living with abusive alcoholic father

[Love2020]

Hi all,

I have a previous thread I wrote a thread in relation to my deep hatred for my father. I am here again in the midst of lockdowns, I am not coping with living with my father who is abusive and alcoholic.

Throughout my entire life he has led an extremely toxic lifestyle. One of alcoholism, gambling addiction, smoking, physically abusive towards his children, emotional affairs on my mother.

I have been a victim of violent and physical abuse which ended when I was an early adult. Nonetheless, to this day he posses all other toxic traits I listed above.

I believe his excessive drinking is causing increasing damage to his brain. He is distant, does not care to engage in conversation with myself or my mother, sleeps throughout the day and only wakes up to eat or sit around with his lone company. He is not interested in anything else.

I cannot tolerate living with this man who has abused me my entire life and now during lockdown, I face him every day.

He is like living with a filthy animal. He drinks so much that it causes him to make these burp/groans all throughout the day. It sounds like a yell, it is so loud that neighbours can hear and it is clockwork. I know it sounds ridiculous but I am so ashamed.

He literally spits his spit around the garden and leaves his pile of dirty dishes in the sink. He is a filthy person.
The house is old and run down and he won't fix anything as he is lazy and spends his money on abusive substances.

I have started to notice signs of PTSD. I startled when I see him unexpectedly around the house and I anticipate his verbal abuse or his burps/groans and spits at any given time.
He is such a physical stressor for me and my body responds with heighten blood pressure, anxiety, increased heart rate and implosion of anger. In the most extreme response, I begin thinking about how I wished he was dead.
I know that's extreme but that's level of hatred I have.

He cannot be spoken to or he will respond with verbal abuse.

I have a plan to move out eventually, but during lockdowns I cannot cope. I already lock myself in my room all day and its not enough to tame mental health.

Please share if you can relate.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Love2020,

We are so sorry to hear that you are going through so much at the moment and are starting to notice signs of PTSD. We understand that this must be very overwhelming for you, especially when it comes to your own family. Please know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

If you would like to talk to someone we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

[est72]

Hello,

I know this may not be the reply you were hoping for, but as Sophie mentioned above, reaching out for help (like you've done by posting on this forum) seems to be the best way to get through this. Although I have never experienced your exact situation, I can relate to the part about getting physical symptoms of anxiety, increased heart rate, and anger whenever a person who has hurt you lives with you and is constantly around, as well as the signs of PTSD. As terrible as it is, I myself have realized that the only way to recover from this type of trauma is to let the person go. Obviously, if you've already accepted this fact then ignore this next advice: being hopeful when they are so far gone only hurts more. There comes a time where you need to realize that any relationship you have with this person just isn't worth it. Again, maybe you've already accepted this fact, but if you haven't you should take your time with it, especially since it's a parental figure. I hope you know you're not alone. It makes me genuinely happy to know that you have a plan to move out, and until then you have to promise yourself to hang in there, I really hope the knowledge of you eventually escaping this situation is enough motivation to get you through it. I am hopeful that you will reach out for proper help, don't be afraid to put everything you've been feeling into a few paragraphs and share it on forums like this, as I can assure you it will make at least one person who comes across it feel less alone.

I really hope everything gets better ❤️

[geoff]

Hello Love, I profoundly hear you loud and clear and could not possibly live with a person like your father, it would certainly be not only so difficult but also demoralising to live in these unhealthy circumstances with a person who only believes in what he does is his gospel, in a strange way.

During these lockdowns and depending on which state you live in, you may have a legitimate reason to move out, but you might need to take a video of what he gets up to, but make sure he doesn't see you and you could check by ringing the police.

Please be so careful.

Geoff.

[Love2020]

Hi Geoff,

thanks for writing in.
Yes, demoralising is such a great way to describe my feelings and the circumstance.
It’s devastating to thinking how one person can treat someone that way they do, let alone a parent.

I am in Vic, so it’s been 18 months of lockdowns and at my parents the entire time.
I did see Vic Pol post that if you are suffering from psychological abuse you can leave the house but as there’s a lockdown there’s no where to go.

Although I believe they would be reasonable if I explained my circumstance.

[Love2020]

In regards to actually moving out, I am waiting to sort my finances which will hopefully only take a few months.
Thank you for the encouragement!

[Sophie_M]

Hi Love2020,
 
Thank you for keeping us updated on your situation. We wanted to recommend further to contact 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) for any information in regards to resources and regulations towards leaving one’s home during a lockdown due to domestic/family violence. We want to acknowledge the value in preparation if things do escalate and you do have to leave on short notice, where you could go and who could help you with support.
 
Sometimes having some options can help give us some breathing room when things are tough.
 
Thank you again for sharing your story and your courage with us.
 
 

[Love2020]

Hi est72,
Thank you for writing in and for the kind words


It’s hard during lockdowns because everything seems to be amplified and despite working on mental health sometimes it’s still a struggle given the circumstances.


I have sought therapy through a psychologist and have reached out to helplines.
Similar to what you are saying, someone has once explained that PTSD will always trigger when faced with your abuser. Unfortunately I have to live with mine in my current circumstances and along with lockdowns. Once I do move out, I believe I will become estranged from him as he is too far gone. He is physically present but no lights are on. He has caused so much pain and suffering and to heal I would have to remove myself from anything that causes those feelings to arise.


I feel a sense of guilt but would be for the best

[Love2020]

Thanks Sophie, I didn’t actually think of that but I will call and see what the rules are in relation to my situation.

thank you for sharing