Leaving after domestic and family violence

Anzee · ‎21-02-2021

Hi all,

3.5 weeks ago a domestic violence service convinced me to go into emergency accommodation for a couple of weeks to have a break from my abusive partner (also the father to our two daughters, 8 and 4) they said even if it’s just the wake up call he needed to engage in the help and support he needed to start making some changes. He started talking to a psychologist via Telehealth, and told me he is just waiting for confirmation for him to start a men’s behaviour change program. I did a risk assessment and from that protective services got involved and put restrictions in place about only having supervised visits with us. They also told me if I didn’t take an IVO out against him they would because he was calling, texting and trying to visit me constantly and leaning on me for support and I was feeling so guilty and falling for the responsibility of his emotional needs because I’ve always carried that responsibility and it’s really hard to let that go. The IVO isn’t due to go to court until Friday so he is still contacting me a lot for support and I just feel to guilty and responsible to cut him off so I try to be brief and blunt but will usually give him an answer but he is really trying to get me back and I am struggling not to give in (obviously that is not possible until the protective services have taken away restrictions). How do you stop going back into that trap of the familiar cycle of abuse? It just feels so much easier than doing it in my own. My family have been quite unsupportive and have taken his side for a lot of it because I haven’t given them details and insight to the abuse we have suffered from him. I have told two of my sisters some details but they just think it’s fine and normal behaviour in a relationship. My mum was the first female for generations in her family to not be an extremely, life threatening physically violent relationship and has told us stories of rescuing family members from guns been held to them etc so I think to them unless it’s extreme physical violence it’s not family violence. I thought I could do it on my own without their support but I’m really struggling now and don’t think I can and when he sends me these messages begging for me back I just want to reassure him once restrictions are lifted I’ll take him back but I really want to show my daughters what’s right too but I really don’t know how long I can keep doing it alone. Any advice? Anyone in a similar position?

ecomama · ‎21-02-2021

Hi Anzee

I'm so PROUD of you leaving! Like REALLY PROUD!

You are one strong mama showing your beautiful girls HOW to stand up against violence in a relationship.

When you feel you CAN'T do it for yourself, please THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN!
They need one strong and loving parent!

It appears DV & FV has been "normalised" in your family (as was in mine!).
It may common but it sure ISN'T NORMAL.

I had the most amazing support from the Counsellors and Trauma Psychs on the helpline 1800RESPECT.
They will HOLD YOU all the way through. And well beyond.

If you leave your name, they write notes to keep up with the changes, and can better support you.
I've found this mode of support one of the "safest" in terms of Family Law.

IF you get to the point of Family Law, you will absolutely NEED to be 100% obviously KNOWING what's in 'the best interests of the children'.
I'm sorry to say that if you DON'T by giving in to ex partner's demands and going back etc, then you show you're not.
You risk losing your children to Child Protection. They can literally just take them off you.

Then if your H does do that Course then he may be "deemed" a safer parent for the children, it's pretty screwed up.

Once Authorities get involved you're on a rapid river, being taken along fast.
You just need to do everything Police and your Legal Aid Family Lawyer tells you to do.

Please ask the Refuge what Course for Women Victims of DV you can do. Completing anything like this shows the Courts you've been educated now about DV and gives them more confidence you won't end up in a DV relationship again.

Please reach out to 1800RESPECT helpline.
They are there for YOU 24/7.

Yes you most absolutely CAN do this "on your own", you've been doing it on your own for years but with added burden of an abusive partner AND all his issues.

If you have FB then please contact "The Red Heart Foundation" and talk with them.
The support I received from them in ALL ways was amazing.
It's a bunch of women who've left DV and support other victims.

Sending Prayers.
Love EM

Happilyneverafter · ‎21-02-2021

You don’t go back, by remembering this: he will never change. NEVER.
you have two children who you owe it to to keep them safe and happy.
I wasted 19 years on a man who did all the right things, said all the right things, and in the end he just got worse and destroyed not only me but my children, it’s not worth it. He did many courses, and all they did was teach him how to deflect blame for his actions. There are so many organisations to help you through, please don’t ever go back, it’s pretty hard now but I promise you, in 12 months you will be so much happier and so will you girls.

Anzee · ‎13-03-2021

6 weeks later, still no progress with child protections investigation, gone from having a case manager to not for 3 weeks so no contact whatsoever then as of yesterday have a case worker again, orange door closed my file two weeks ago but centre for non violence put me on a waiting list for the reason and the IVO I was supposed to get was adjourned so I still get loving and promising texts from him. I’m super lonely and still love him and miss him. Someone please tell me this gets easier? Was anyone else forced to leave even when you still loved them?

ecomama · ‎13-03-2021

Hi Anzee

I'm glad you came back for support. This is a trying time for you. Delays are par for the course I'm sorry to say.

Yes things get easier.

It's really important to get support for you as you're doing the right thing for yourself, your girls and even for your ex partner.

Please phone Women's Legal Service and get their advice. It's a free call to them.
They may inform you that if you DO go back, then you are risking losing your children.
If the 'protective parent' meaning YOU, is deemed not to be protecting the children, then things can go haywire really fast.
Please ask WLS these questions.

Please also contact the Police station involved and ask to be referred to their Social Worker.
She may help guide you also.
Please ask if you can block your ex from your phone, or whether you need to keep him un-blocked to collect more evidence?

If you can block. Block.

1800RESPECT is there for you.
Their Counsellors and Psychs are AMAZING.
Please call them ANY TIME.
If you leave your name with them (as I have) then they can keep up with developments to better support you each time you call.

As the other BB member said, whatever ex partner say, promises, "love bombs" with, past behaviours are the best predictor for future ones, so we can't expect that ex will ever change.

Please reach out and establish a network of support in your real life too.

You always have the forums, regardless.

Love EM

geoff · ‎14-03-2021

Hello Anzee, EM has given you some great advice, especially the reply above me.

An IVO should never be adjourned and whatever he sends you by text is all rubbish, just temporary lies so he can get back with you, but then the same will happen once again and what he says is to try and make you believe the good things they say so that you can excuse all the bad, that's the problem believing he is able to change and all will be better is a common mistake when hoping this will happen, it won't.

When someone returns to a r/lationship/marriage after any type of abuse, all is well for a short time, but then what happens is that they blame their actions on you, meaning that you need to change, not them, definitely an awful situation for you.

Can I say that it's not really you miss him but being loved by someone, sorry?

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Anzee · ‎14-03-2021

I finally decided to do it. I decided to tell my story. I decided to give my psych permission to tell CP anything she thought was relevant to our investigation. But first I needed more support. I only have one friend so far who has stuck by me and supported me 100% so I text another friend today to ask if she would support my decision to disclose more of his abuse and if she would send me reassurance that I’m doing the right thing. She said she couldn’t tell me what was right it wrong, that was my decision but she said she couldn’t support something that could mean he isn’t allowed to see the kids. It was so unexpected, it absolutely broke me! I was so distraught and in crisis mode, bawled my eyes out and went straight back to second guessing everything. I crawled back in my shell and admitted defeat. I now don’t want to take this any further and I want to take everything back. I am honestly just feeling so broken right now. This is one of the main reasons I didn’t want to tell anyone, I was scared I was exaggerating, I was scared people wouldn’t believe me and I was scared I’d end up alone and scared full of regret which is exactly what’s happened.

Sophie_M · ‎14-03-2021

Hey Anzee,

Thanks for participating in the Beyond Blue forums tonight. We're so sorry to hear of what sounds like a very stressful and upsetting day. We're sorry to hear that your friend was not able to support your decision to disclose instances of abuse to Child Protection. We can imagine this would've been a massive blow to your confidence but please know our community is here to support you and we think you're so strong.

We would urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/

We hope that you can find some comfort in the forums and please feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey.

Emo · ‎15-03-2021

Hi Anzee,

I know you don't know me but I have been following your story. I too am in an abusive marriage but unlike yourself I am too weak to leave.

The strength you have shown to get yourself and your girls to safety gives me hope and I gain strength from you.

Please don't let your one friend who you reached out to make you second guess the amazing progress you have made so far.

You mentioned that you have one friend who supports you 100%, please focus on that friend as the support person you can rely on.

Please don't question yourself about any of the positive steps you are taking. Continue to reach out for help as both you and your girls deserve to be safe and cared for.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Regards,

Emo.

geoff · ‎15-03-2021

Hello Anzee, please don't stop what you had wanted to do so I agree with Emo, the person who reneged on you is probably only concerned about any repercussions that may, only, may occur, that was probably going to happen somewhere along the line, we can't expect everyone to back us, but if you do give in and do nothing, you don't know what may happen because it gives your partner the strength he needs.

You can't succumb back to his needs, your position will then become more tenable and take advantage of you giving in.

All you need is one person to support you, then along the way others will jump on board, that you don't know of who these people are, but maybe frightened to mention it to you, but as soon as you begin, then they will waken up.

I can't tell you what to do, but beg you not to stop, you don't know what the next few weeks will be like if you stop, and then only wishing you had gone through with it.

Take care.

Geoff.