*Trigger warning - Domestic violence* Lost

[MPower]

I was married to my wife for 15 years. She has always been hot tempered, I accepted it. She always had a bad temper e.g. she would shout and scream at shop assistants, or her parents and occasionally this would be directed at me. I feel a coward for not standing up to her.

About 2 years ago, we purchased a house and renovated it extensively - it went badly. Her aggression got progressively worse, calling me a variety of abusive names every day for small things going wrong. I was walking on egg shells and scared of her reactions, thinking I was the cause of all her pain. We eventually completed the renovation and moved in and the bad behavior continued. I meekly told her to stop and find each other again, but everything continued and got worse. The verbal abuse turned into physical at some points. I had very dark thoughts at the time, and contemplated ending it. I believe these feelings came from her upbringing where her dad gambled away all their money and created huge trauma.

I talked to a female friend who helped me recognise this wasn't normal. I told the friend I would leave my wife, but my wife went through my phone and found out before I told her and attempted to commit suicide 2x. I was mentally broken, and my parents packed a bag for me and I left that evening, requesting peace. She called me over 1,000 times and texted double that in panic. Next day she came to work and assaulted a friend. I went to the police to try and get her help, but backed out.

I had to move back into the house because of financial reasons. My anger grew towards her. She cried every night, blaming me wailing why did he cheat on me - I didn't. After at least 8 weeks of accusations, wailing, sleep deprivation (e.g. I'd move to a different rooms and she would barge in).

I moved out of the house shortly after for my own safety and hers and tried to live by myself. I started dating as I saw no future with her. I dated others, but I miss my wife's company, but don't think its healthy. I submitted divorce papers. I feel guilty, ashamed things failed. I feel responsible for everything and I couldn't hold it together. I sleep 3-4 hours a night, self medicate with alcohol to sleep. I'm no longer interested in life. I dont kno what to do.

[Sophie_M]

Hi MPower,

Welcome to the forums, we are so glad you decided to join us here. We know it can be hard to write the first post, so thank you for having the courage.

We're so sorry to hear what you're going through, it sounds like things must be really overwhelming. We can hear that this is such a difficult time for you, and we think you are so brave for reaching out here. We also want to let you know that we have reached out privately to offer support as well.

We would strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer 24/7 confidential information, counselling and support for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice and support to anyone who has been through trauma like this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or visit  https://www.1800respect.org.au/ 

or 

MensLine Australia is a free 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health and relationship concerns. You can contact them on 1300 78 99 78 or https://mensline.org.au/ 

Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

[Croix]

Dear MPower~

It's been a while since you wrote, and I'm glad Sophie_M was there for you. She is a great help, and the advice she gave here spot-on.

It's not that you have been ignored by everyone else this last 10 days or so, it is in fact not you, nor the subject of your message, it is our system which does not always do what we want it to.

I regret you had to wait so long for another reply - it can't have helped you at all.

After I read your post I thought several things

Thank heavens for your parents, packing that bag and getting you out of a toxic environment was exactly right -just what you needed.

Second I have no idea why it happens but good and sensible people that are abused, told they are no good, screamed at and hit, blamed for everything, these people come to blame themselves, as you are right now. They feel guilt and failure just as if they had done something wrong, which you have to. As you know it can get so bad that taking your life can seem the only way out.

Walking on eggshells is no sign of weakness despite what you think, it was the ONLY option, you had no choice. Love bound you to the marriage, and her behavior had no remedy. you may be right, perhaps it was her upbringing, but in a sense that does not realy matter, you were bearing the result. Unlike what you say above you were not responsible for her actions or the failure of an unequal injurious relationship

I know know there will be the "if only's". If only I could have calmed her down, if only I'd stood up to her, if only ... the list is endless. You cant's beat "if onlys" with words or thoughts, they are not amenable to reason, all you can do is try to leave them for other things that take up your mind instead, and that takes practice and different circumstances.

You have started on the different circumstances, however the feelings of failure - completely undeserved - are driving you to try to drown those thoughts.

So that dating might seem pointless, however that is how I recovered when my wife died. It took a while but eventually someone else, someone who had similar experience, came along. We could understand - and it grew from there

In the meantime please try to get counseling, try to be with people, parents and freinds can be good, and try to do things you have enjoyed, something to look forward to each day rahter then oblivion in a bottle

I know none of this is easy, or may seem to miss the point

I would like to talk with you some more (quicker answer next time:)

Croix