Is this trauma?

[BrokenBrain77]

Kind of a weird one but I guess I’m trying to work myself out here.

I had a job, it was an amazing, perfect, well paying job within a local council working with young people. It ticked every box I needed in work however, in true me fashion, I self sabotaged and got greedy. I used my work credit card to purchase food and purchase items I prob didn’t need at work with my own self justifying each purchase at the time as a work purchase. Definitely wasn’t but was used at work.

I knew it was wrong but I couldn’t stop myself. It’s like impulse was driving and I was chasing more and more...

After a year of worrying, work finally called and asked me to come in and discuss the charges which they discovered. Then put me on suspension with pay while they investigated. I had one major interview, then I had to wait for 7 weeks for the inevitable firing... Which I knew was coming.

During that 7 weeks... I sat thinking about how the hell I would handle this. ASIC was mentioned. I had read about people going to Jail for credit card misuse and within a local gov job!? I’m an idiot and I couldn’t stop myself.

I fully panicked for the whole time and when the day came to discuss the investigation findings, I knew I was being let go but wasn’t sure if that was it or was I about to be arrested, taken from my family and put through the public ringer? What I did was wrong!

I was sacked, told I had to pay it back and that was it.

I set myself up with so much fear, then it was as simple as, fired, pay it back, goodbye.

It was kept very quiet, I did the right thing and paid it all back immediately, apologised and offered my support to help my replacement be trained up. But I still now cannot go into that town and talk to anyone without fear that they know what happened.

I’m embarrassed, ashamed and disgusted in my actions. It was so stupid. The problem is, I still can’t shake the fear that I am about to be arrested for what I did. I’m scared I’m going to be taken away from my son and he won’t have me around for him. I’m scared of police. But I don’t know how to get past this and tbh, I now have a new job and feel constantly like I don’t deserve it because of what I did.

Is this trauma? PTSD? Guilt? I’m so confused but too scared to talk to anyone local because the old job I was in, dealt with so many mental health professionals, I just can’t face them...

I’m losing my mind over this but don’t know how to deal with it.

any thoughts anyone? I want to make amends but don’t know how! 😞

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm 64yo with lots of experience in legal and law issues.

We can't diagnose here if you have ptsd or other mental health crisis however it's clear you are fearful. You are also full of regret.

It's highly likely your bosses would have mentioned they are going to refer the matter to police. They didn't.

So if they do it's also highly unlikely you'll be jailed- reason- first offence, not a major crime and you're a mum that your child needs.

It is highly likely you'd get a good behaviour bond or fine.

Time is a good healer with reputation. In time you can return to the town and people would have moved on.

Finally, many people make mistakes. You've made a silly one. But you've paid the price by losing your job and you're anxious and feel guilt.

If you need confirmation that police charges won't come simply ring your old boss and ask him/her.

Relax now. Move forward. Mistakes mean you're human.

TonyWK

[Billiee]

Hi there,

I'm sorry that you are feeling like this, I can't imagine the amount of stress that would bring.

By the sounds from the amount of guilt you are feeling, it seems like you haven't done something like this before? The feelings that you are experiencing are completely normal, sometimes we do things out of impulse and after, we aren't too sure why we did them. Unfortunately, the satisfaction only lasts a minute and then guilt tends to take over.

I understand that you have said you are scared to speak to a psychologist, but they are there to listen with no judgement and perhaps you need to address this within a deeper setting and they can help you figure out the best way to apologise or help you understand what you will gain from expressing your regrets.

Perhaps you can write out a letter apologising and see if this helps with how you feel? Writing a letter as if you where going to send it may enable you to relive some guilt.

Take Care, I hope you find some support in this.

[Unbeliever]

Interesting...

When I read what you wrote, I'm not entirely sure if I read too many indicators of guilt in it. I'm not saying that you don't feel any, just that I couldn't see any. Of course it is difficult to know for sure from just a post.

I think that you just feel kind of foolish (which is NOT a good feeling at all. In the realm of "bad feelings" feeling like a fool is extremely underrated).

I mean it seems like you were fully aware of what you were doing when you were doing it, you knew that eventually you would inevitably be caught, you were consciously worrying about it but continued to do it anyway.

On a positive note. If they were going to pursue criminal charges at this point then it would not have gone down the way it did. You paying the money you stole back quickly probably averted it going any further... this was smart. Coming clean before the "7 week" investigation and offering to pay the money back then saying that it was always your intention to but you stupidly left it too long and panicked... might have even saved your job depending on your boss and how much they liked you.

People do silly things frequently, but unreserved honesty can go a long way with some people.

Anyway... Some people will know what happened. This is likely. But probably not as many people as you think. Like you, your employer probably also feels foolish that you were able to get away with it for so long without noticing. Such things don't look good for employers. So chances are that they are as keen as you are that it is not advertised explicitly. Although I'm sure that they have revised office procedures to prevent other employees from doing the same thing in the future. I mean, I would.

The chance of you losing your son over this is extremely unlikely. Even if you had a particularly vindictive ex with a painfully expensive lawyer I sincerely doubt this could happen. If you had not paid the money back, perhaps. But since you did... it's not criminal enough to bring custody into dispute. Don't worry about it.

Regarding your new job... just do the right thing by them and you "deserve" it. It's only if you abuse your position that this becomes an issue. Don't worry about that either. Just be good from now on.

How to make amends? Look, you obviously took things you obviously didn't need. So every now and again buy a decent meal for a homeless person who obviously DOES need it.

"Soulwise" that is a perfect way to "rebalance the books". Good for you and good for them.