Is my mum a narcissist?

[24yearoldgirl]

I have been caring for my mum since 2010, when she had a head injury..

the past few years we have been living in a tent.. she drove up and down and all around the country like a physcopath. It damaged me big time. But I never left.

It was the night before my birthday, and she grabbed my wrist and said she felt like hitting me because I wouldn’t shut up. She thinks it’s not abusive.

I am now going to court to defend her from her dvo.

she complains that her life is ruined, but I’m 24 and have not had a single friend or dad or any family at all apart from her.. I’ve been completely isolated..

she grew up in a Dysfunctional family and has no social life.

[Guest_1643]

hope you can keep calling the helpline if you need more services -

i feel a bit out of my depth as I don't know enough about DVOs... i'm so sorry about that, i only know about the journey of trying to separate from toxic parents, but have not had the DVO element in my story. I do'nt know whats best there.

But I do highly recommend 1800 Respect as a 24 hour safe place to talk. They take a very feminist approach to supporting women, and just letting them be heard. they don't put you down.

Good luck xx

[24yearoldgirl]

Hi, sorry to hear that you’ve been going through stuff as well.. thank you for taking the time to hear my story and for your replies..

we went to the appointment yesterday, and got the letter to end the court case..

we did reach an understanding of each other’s views..

However last night, mum said that I can trust her, and asked if I wanted a hug..

I can’t just let my guard down, after all the hurt.. so we did get into an argument again.

will call the 1800 number if I need too

feeling better today after a good sleep..

take care

[Guest_1643]

Hey - thank you for showing empathy to me and for being so caring
I can understand your confusion/hurt over your mum changing gears and now offering hugs and reassuring you that you can trust her....

Trust is very hard for me too.
I recommended 1800 RESPECT because they helped me get another perspective, when I wasn't sure if the problem was me or the other person. Peope who have experienced abuse tend to question themselves and take the pain inward. speaking to 1800 RESPECT helped me understand that the other person was abusing me. I still struggle and blame myself, so it is invaluable to have a healthy opinion.

[ecomama]

Dear 24yo girl

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

It's very sad when you can't trust your mum, to not be violent with you. I was in the same kind of situation.

Do you have stable housing now?

I'm just hoping there can be a way to organise some type of housing eg applying for a Housing Commission home.

The 1800RESPECT number has highly trained Counsellors and you can be put through to a Psychologist specific to your issues and they are SO HELPFUL, I cannot recommend them highly enough. You can phone anonymously but I never do. I gave my name and they've been able to keep records which has been SO helpful when I've called the next time.

I always thought it was the last time I would call.

I want you to know that you have OUR full support whilst you navigate through your life.

I would like to see you being able to be independent of your mum at some point.
Do you think you could do this?

There are LOTS of supports that can step in to help your mum and the RESPECT helpline can give you some numbers as well as the BB helpline.

I'm sure you have hopes and dreams for your own life and YOU need to be able to live these too.
You may need alot of support to understand what happened and how it has affected you.
What's happened is not your fault, you are not to blame. But with pure intent I want you to be aware that if you don't learn how to spot and distance yourself from abusive people, the cycle may continue.

You don't have to answer any of my questions at all, it may help us to help you if you can.

Please let us know how you're going.

Love EM

[24yearoldgirl]

Hi EM,

sorry I’ve been busy lately..

im still unsure on whether to leave, so I’m trying my best to do everything well, so at least I can say I tried my best, rather than being sad & depressed..

it was more mental abuse for me.. and the threats of hitting me..

she did have a stroke, and has brain injury as well, so maybe that has an effect on the way she acted..

We are doing ok now, we’re in temporary accomodation, at an affordable weekly rate, because of coronavirus.. we have lived in housing in the past, but it isn’t great..

not sure what’s going to happen next, but think I’ll be ok..

I know how to be independent, but I’ll always question whether it’s the right thing to do just now.

thanks for your comment & advice,

take care, bye for now

[Guest_1643]

hey there

i hope you are safe

unforunately mental and verbal abuse is also very hurtful and harmful, and sometimes harder to regonise. thank you for sharing here how you are going. Hope things are okay with u and ur mum.

[24yearoldgirl]

Hey guys,

so we went to court again this morning, they said they would finalise it, but instead they won’t accept the mediation/counselling letter.. so we just wasted $1000!

mum won’t accept a one year good behaviour order, and believes she is the aggrieved.. And even threatened to take me to court..

last night we had another argument, this time she did assault me.

again, I’m feeling unsure of whether to stay or go!
starting to think it’s my fault for pushing her buttons

and then I feel sorry for her cause of her problems

Do I forgive and move on, or get away from her ?

[Sophie_M]

Hi 24yearoldgirl,

We are sorry to hear that things are not improving between you and your mum. Please know we take reports of abuse seriously and conitnue to be concerned about your wellbeing.

We’ve asked our Support Service to check in with you via email to ensure that you’re safe. We're here to support you as much as you need, and we’d urge you to continue to reach out for help.  If you are in immediate danger, please call 000.
 
If you are not in immediate danger, we'd suggest reaching out to 1800RESPECT like others have mentioned here (1800 737 732/ https://www.1800respect.org.au/). 

Our community will be here to continue to support you through this difficult time. Keep checking back in whenver you feel up to it. 

[ecomama]

Dear 24yogirl

The ONLY way to stop the abuse (to you) or at least minimise it is to do all three... in reverse order.

Get away, forgive her and move on. In a NEW relationship from your side. With VERY defined boundaries. Hitting you is NOT on.

Call the Police and make a report.

You need HELP in this situation and no one will give it to you unless you ask. Then keep asking.
And push for it.

Your mum could be housed in a special type of Housing Commission for people with disabilities.
It's less, you know... noisy. I know 2 people who are in this type of housing and they have lovely caring neighbours and carers. Plus the townhouses are BEAUTIFUL! I'd live there in a heartbeat.

Then your mum could get services LAID ON for her..... NDIS provides for SO much!
One of these ladies get $400k per year NDIS funding and she can't even spend it all. She has the works going on.
Carers cooking for her. Bathing her. Toileting her. Doing everything for her. She needs this support very much so I'm grateful it's there for her.

YOU DO TOO.

Even accompanying your mum to Drs appointments or ANY appointments etc etc is funded.

You need to cut this.
Break out.
Break free and begin to live your own life, free from guilt and abuse.

Your mother sounds almost exactly like mine. ALWAYS the "aggrieved" never the abuser.
What she did to all of us was nothing short of criminal and monstrous.

It takes YEARS to recover from a childhood of this type of abuse.
If you break free now, you can get that help and learn how to live very differently.

I urge you to do this asap.

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

stay strong

and you can definitely love your mother fiercely while also leaving...how are you feeling? do u have the ability to leave?