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I was raped in a small town
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Two years ago I was raped while unconscious from drinking, by a close friend. I felt in my small town I couldn't talk about it, for fear of not being believed or honestly I couldn't imagine the rift that would bring n his family (who are lovely), and he is a popular person. I had bruises and people knew he had taken me there unconscious so I should have done something.
I told only a couple close friends a month after it happened, and they were unfazed and still talk to him and are friends with him. I struggle to see him around and I have to fake being polite to him even though it kills me. Even my new boyfriend (who knows what happened) will maintain conversation with him.
I have so many mixed feelings about this and would love someone to take me seriously when I talk about it.
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Hi, welcome
You have my attention. On behalf of all kind and respectful men I'm so sorry for the experience you've been through.
Being taken advantaged of you is a memory you will never erase however like other serious hurdles in life we all must find a way forward, for some, that could be short term for others long term so I suggest that you take the time YOU need to recover from this ordeal before you have expectations of creating a future again. Dont allow anyone to say "arent you over that yet"... its your ordeal not theirs. This includes recovering emotionally so you can tolerate this mans presence better while reserving your feelings and protecting your safety.
I dont know your age but I'm going to guess you're mid teens. In that age group males are very immature in fact some dont really become adults until mid 30's so you will find thats why they brush off your claim of abuse as if its not very relevant. Thats disgusting to say but only real men that have it in them to protect women generally have that inbuilt defence especially a boyfriend. This leads me to also suggest that the group of friends you have are too young for you to confide in, they dont have the capacity for the level of empathy you need and deserve. Eg If I was your boyfriend there's no way I'd even acknowledged the abuser existed.
Such traumatic experiences are such that you are never prepared so you dont act like you know what to do. This is normal, so " I should have done something." That is feeling guilty over an event that you had zero control over. To overcome that you might need some therapy now or in the future and that first step is through a visit to your GP doctor. Keep that in mind.
Re: your friends still talk to him. People are free to talk to such a person but it is your reaction to this thats important as you cant "make" people act the way you'd like them to. So best to keep in mind their lack of support or ease of dismissal of the matter and find friends that have better personal qualities. Try to stay friends with them but slowly distance yourself because they dont have the empathy that is an important part of any friendship. Older guys could be a start as they are more mature.
Remember you can report this event to the police and thats your option even though it will be a hard road to travel it is an option.
I hope you recover over time enough to continue with your life in this beautiful world. In life there's positives and negatives so we need to focus on the positives more than the negatives in order to achieve happiness. Eventually when you've accepted this event better you'll focus on how to get some positives from it just like I'm here answering your post on a mental illness forum when I've been tackling my own mental illnesses for decades. Perhaps they'll be a young girl that goes through a similar experience and you can take her under your wing and advise her. You'd be so good at that I can tell. Keep telling yourself you are wonderful, beautiful and you deserve the very best boyfriend that protects you and friends that will honour your friendship with some loyalty. I think you'd make an amazing teacher or mental health adviser.
And a final tip- Keep busy... moss doesnt cover a rolling stone
Reply anytime
TonyWK
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Thankyou for your message Tony, I feel like you can see exactly where I'm coming from, and the relief I feel for having my feelings validated with such time and care has made me feel seen.
Yes, I am in my late teens now, at the time is occurred I was 17. I agree that those friends didn't have the level of emotional maturity and empathy needed for someone so damaged, and since I have outgrown them. I have never told a member of my family, for fear of what my dad may do, or risking it becoming known in the town.
I struggle with the fact that I have to put up with the boy that did it, and I understand my boyfriend can't make a scene every time we are around each other (because no one in the town knows the reason why), but if you were him do you think you'd ignore him regardless?
Another difficult question, and do not feel any obligation to reply at all (you've done more than enough already), part of me feels that the boy that did it doesn't realize he raped me (we had slept together previously), do you think that is possible? Or do you think he knows and is evil enough to continue without any remorse. Regardless of whether he is aware it was rape or not (I have flashes of asking him to stop) I still could never forgive him.
Again thankyou for your message it meant so much, and I am so sorry to here you are battling yourself. You are an amazing person for still managing to support others in spite of your own burdens. I hope you are also looking after yourself, and seeking support.
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I disagree with one point. Cutting ties is better than staying friends and distancing. Its only does more damage staying attached.
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Hi there. Sadly from my experience young men even growing men think women are expendable. We are nothing more than sexual beings to give them pleasure. And this boy who raped you (age unknown) sounds like he's been raised terribly and sadly you've been a target of his actions, and how your suffering the consequences while he walks about free. Its not okay. In response to your question - its not okay that he raped you even after you two were sexually intimate previously. Consent exists for a reason - NO means no. And the fact he didnt listen to your words of wanting the act to stop , that is total lack of respect. Sadly in my experience being raped twice and abused by my family theres term called "Narcissist". Its a term I associate with abusers/rapists. They feel they are not responsible for what happened, and act like the victim. Sadly they get away with it, because sadly unless they put your life at risk, no justice is served. And its normal to have trauma after rape - its due to your mind processing the event and trying to understand why your body was violated in such a violent act. And its something sadly I still to this day - cant understand why the two separate men assaulted me. I dont understand why I was a target of their cruelty. And its okay to not forgive him - once a rapist always a rapist. He sounds like an evil human being. Please know i know exacty what your feeling and I have complex PTSD as a result.
