I need help

[Another_Ranga]

Last year I fell in love with a boy, I had never met him, though we shared a mutual friend. He lived in a city 3 hours from me. I got his snapchat from my friend and we started talking instantly. He was everything I was looking for. Because of our distance and neither of us having a license we could only develop our relationship online. We would text, call and FaceTime constantly. After about 6 months of talking to him, I thought it might be the time to finally meet him.

We got our parents to agree and next thing I knew, he was staying for a week in the school holidays. The first day he came down, everything went perfectly. It was like being in a romantic movie, we held hands and went on a cute date, i was in love. Then the second night come around, and everything went down the drain. Me and this boy were drinking. We had decided to call it a night, both of us being highly intoxicated, thought bed was a good idea.

We got into bed and he asked if I wanted to have sex. I thought about it for at least 10 minutes, being drunk I was weighing my options of whether this was a good idea or not. I finally agree and from the moment everything was terrifying. I was scared. About 5 mins in, I told him to stop and he didn’t listen. Eventually, he stopped of his own choice and I made an excuse to stay in a seperate room.

This happened September last year. Ever since then, everything has gotten worse. I started having severe anxiety attacks, out of no where, nothing triggering me. I have lost a lot of weight, I eat once a day, I have lost interest in everything. I lost my job. I sleep all day, and stay up all night, either thinking or crying. I have these stages where I’m watching myself and I have no control over my actions. I often take drugs to get away from the real world. I need help and I’ve spoke to to sexual help people and therapists and councillors and it doesn’t help. I come off worse. Doctors in my town just refer me to headspace, even when I explain it doesn’t help and I’ve tried. I know I’m mentally ill and it drives me i don’t know with what. I have more going on, but I’ve ran out of characters.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Another Ranga,
Thank you for joining us here on the Beyond Blue forums, we are so glad that you decided to reach out here tonight. We're are so sorry to hear what you're going through at the moment.  We think you are such a strong person - we understand that this experience would have been very traumatic. We are really grateful that you had the courage to reach out to the forums this evening as we know this can be difficult to do for the first time. We can hear that this experience has had a big impact on your life. We would urge you to contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to support to women who have been through trauma like this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/
 
Please know that you are strong and valuable, and we're here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need. Our Support Service are also currently reaching out to you via email as we are worried about you.
 
We hope that you can find some comfort in the forums. Feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey.
 

[Croix]

Dear Another Ranga~

You can be sure this is a friendly place and others have had similar times and understand. Sophie_M has suggested 1800RESPECT who the deal with similar situations a lot. If you have not tried already why not give them a ring -or chat

I would like to talk about what happened to you and will be gentle, nevertheless you may become upset, so either stop reading now or bear that in mind, perhaps if you have someone that cares nearby that would be good.

It started with a fairy-tale romance. You found someone on the internet and for 6 months got to know that person though texts, phone and FaceTime

From what you say I’d imagine that person was around your age - would that be right?

Then with your parents’ OK he came over and stayed. The romance continued in just the way you imagined and hoped. That first date was wonderful and reinforced the love and wonder of it all in your mind.

On the second night you both drank too much, not the end of the world in itself, many younger people have done that -myself included. Easy to do, neither of you drove so maybe simply a bad idea

The problem came when you were in bed and talked of having sex. He asked - good. After thinking about it you said yes, OK so far. Then you found straight away it was an invasive and terrible experience and after trying to hold on said STOP!

I think this is the point at which you came to realise you had no power, and that you had allowed something to start that simply continued against your wishes - a shattering terrifying experience.

I must emphasize that any person has the compete right to say no to sex at any time at all and the other person has an iron-clad duty to stop at once, no matter what

The person you had thought of as a true love suddenly became an unloving alien over whom you had no control. He did not stop as he should

Now you are suffering a set of horrible reactions and I think they are based upon the shattering of a fairy tale you believed in, finding out the person you loved was unloving, not stopping when you said and need it to stop, and probably the fact you exercised poor judgment in drinking so much. You are paying deeply for his selfish act

This has shattered your confidence in yourself and makes your life frightful, as does the trauma. If those in town are unhelpful please see if you can be treated by a trauma specialist psychiatrist

It can make all the difference

You are welcome here, we care for you, say/ask anything you need

Croix

[Shaneos]

Sup miss Ranga, I’m very sorry to hear about your traumatic experience.
Sounds horrible.
I don’t think I can offer to much advice about the specifics of what happened to you and the best course of action which could potentially help you move on from what happened.
Purely because I’ve never been through or experienced what you have.
One thing I’m absolutely positive about but. Is the best and most likely people who could offer advice and help, are the ones who’ve been through a similar experience to yourself.
I don’t know if I can say it on here or not, but in my experience, a doctor or Psychologist or any person who hasn’t been through what you have. Wouldn’t have the first idea about the best advice to give you or ways in which could actually help you.

I don’t think you sound mentally ill at all either just quietly.
Sound more like a person who’s had a traumatic experience that effected you deeply and you’ve just struggled to make sense of it or deal with it.

Pretty sure that doesn’t make you mentally ill. It just makes you human.

[Shaneos]

Once you start going down the road of convincing or believing you’re mentally ill or even being Convinced or told by others that you are, it can have a very negative snowball effect for the future I found.
You will always look at yourself or think of yourself as having something wrong with you etc.

From what you wrote, it would seem more understandable you’re just a person who’s trying to make sense of something you can’t.

Something like that anyways. I’d probably say cutting down on the drugs If possible probably couldn’t hurt Either.
The guy was just a wanker by the sounds of it and he always will be.
Don’t let some low life ruin you’re potential for a long and happy life.
He’s not worth it.
Easier said than done that though I realise.

[geoff]

Hello Ranga, and a warm welcome.

I am truly sorry that this has happened, someone, you fell in love with before you actually met, but unfortunately ending in the opposite way.

Alcohol can exacerbate the situation and put you in a position you don't want to be in, and deciding whether or not over 10 minutes can cause you to feel otherwise.

If you have 'lost a lot of weight, I eat once a day, I have lost interest in everything. I lost my job.I sleep all day, and stay up all night, either thinking or crying', must be a horrible experience for you.

Much has been said, so I don't want to repeat their good words, bt ca I also suggest Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 if you're 25 years old or under, either by phone, web or them coming to see you.

We'd love to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[GimZim]

I had a similar incident with my first boyfriend, it was absolutely devastating. If you haven't already you can try asking for a referral to a psychologist who deals specifically with trauma or for trauma informed care, etc.

I promise things can and do get better, you can heal from this and have a happy life.

[Veldelmar]

I'm a bit blunt when I talk about this subject - because I have lived it and sometimes the words are necessary to use. You may wish to not read it if specific words are triggering to you, but I encourage you to confront them slowly and with confidence that you are a strong human being and are here because you are trying.

My dear soul, you are not 'mentally ill' simply because you have survived rape. It is a horrible, awful, terrible, traumatic, loss of control, horrid, helpless, sinister whether intended or not, nasty thing. The grief, anger, hatred, sarrow, outrage, humiliation of going through it can cause mental illness to happen, but going through the process of healing after doesn't make you that way. What you choose to do about what happened to you is 100% your choice, but you do have legal options if you want to pursue that. And what you have gone through, whether consent at the start or not, alcohol or not, the decision to want to stop is in everyone's hands and the request was ignored - is by definition rape.

Surviving such awful thing is not easy, but that's why us survivors have support groups. I encourage you to find one where others like yourself can be safe in your world and speak about the things important around moving past that time. I can tell you that self-medication with drug or alcohol will only make you feel worse and can bring a new host of issues along with it. A lot of survivors have a host of other issues around in their lives, you are not alone in that, we come from all backgrounds, class, race, sex, and any other option you can think of.

The lines listed above could possibly help you source help that is specific to all your needs - number 1 being sexual trauma - you need to speak to someone that has experience in that area, then someone that has experience in other areas you have concerns with. Reach out to survivors groups, they are everywhere - churches, community centres, libraries, some councilling centres will have contact details for such things. Healing is hard without others around that know what you have gone through. I spent a lot of time drinking myself away in life 'coping' with it, but when I found g/f's that been there was when life felt like living again.

I wish you all the best in life and health Ranga,

Michele