i know it's a bit dramatic, but i feel traumatized from my losses.

[zea]

Hello, this will sound like a lot of whining and complaining about my life, I'm very very sorry.

Confronting the loss of my older brother has been a very hard thing for me to do. He is two years older than me, and comitted with I turned fourteen. I will never forget that day when my mother had screamed, crying while dropping me and my brother off to school, grabbing me by shoulders and asking if i was okay to go, ever since then she treats me differently, I can tell she is terrified that I'll do it too.

I'm still not over what happened that day, in the next year, my older sister by 4 years had died to muscular dystrophy, this year, my eldest sister is suffering in hospital.

The part that hurts the most, they're all my siblings but I never really got to meet them or speak to them properly due to being seperated. My mom promised me all those years ago, we will all get to live together, and as a child with at that time a single mother, the promise of a normal family felt too good to be true. Of course, it never happened because they died, it was terrifying, I keep thinking all the time selfishly if I'm next, if my mom is next, and if the family I now have will dissapear forever and leave me alone.

These trash thoughts affect and influence my relationship with others, my depression and anxiety worsens and I feel like it's ruining my mind, and slowly driving me insane. I've never had a proper sense of stability, and every single day that I wake up and go to bed is the day I wonder what will be taken away from me next, what I'll do, how I will react, paranoid with every trip I make to school or go out.

I hope one day I'll stop being like this, and I try my best to keep a smile on my face and push through the day.

[white knight]

Hi welcome 

You're not whining, you're doing what you should be doing- reaching out. So thankyou.

We have some similarities,  my older brother suicided in 1978, he was 26yo 4 years older than me. My uncle did in 2002 and me, my daughter and my sister all attempted. A common denominator was bipolar but we didnt know then.

You have intrusive thoughts. These can include catastrophising or creating worse case scenarios. Its like you have no control of your thoughts. The best remedy for this is to ask yourself "is this thought real"? Am I thinking realistically? Eg If you had a thought that because your brother passed that you will do the same action- that most likely is not a realistic thought. If you are healthy but your fear is you'll die young thats that same, an unrealistic intrusive negative thought.

When you identify these as bad thoughts try to change them, discount them, think about something else. If that doesnt work make changes like- go for a walk, do animals hobby, a chores, talk to someone. Activity changes your environment and your focus.

You are an individual. You have opportunities your siblings didnt have. With some positive thinking or motivation lectures you can change the negative mindset you've developed from bad luck with your family. Eg the saying goes "i felt sorry as I had no shoes until I saw a man with no feet". There's always someone worse off. Once you become positive you'll never return to negative. Its an amazing life glaring at a bee collecting nectar, helping a friend tackle depression or encouraging your mum to go window shopping with you to cheer her up.

"We make 600 million breaths in our lifetime but rarely appreciate one of them"

Im here daily if you want to talk more

TonyWK