I feel a need to share my sexual assault story (trigger warning)

[Raven666]

Hey I feel a need to share my story and maybe see how others feel about it and if my thinking is faulty, I don't want pity. The starting of the trauma that put the dent in my armor and shattered my self confidence. It's been 20 years now of the initial sexual assault that was done to me when i was 5 maybe even when i was 4 i'm not quite sure. No one will really give me the specifics. I'm the youngest of 3. Brother is disabled by epilepsy. Eldest sister has admitted that she deliberately put me in harms way to protect herself when her survival instinct overrode her maternal instinct of protect the young. It all went down when I was 5, my sister at 8yrs old told my mum why she didn't want to go visit dad (them being divorced) Our entire family on both sides turned on us or ignored our situation. They accused my sister of lying and of mum putting her up to it.  So after it went to court and dad went to jail we had to move. We weren't able to go see any shrinks. For years we moved around, going from town to town which further screwed our education of having to go from school to school. We actually settled in an area for 5 years but it was during those five years that I was again sexually assaulted but this time by mum's boyfriend. I didn't speak up, we were going through enough trouble at that time and I didn't want to add to it. The years of moving, making no friends and having my own sister pick on me and break my trust when I tried to do the usual thing of "run to the big sister to tell her everything" and then that last sexual assault finally broke my armor, shattered my self confidence and esteem. It seems it destroyed something inside me, I can't place what it is that's broken. Its been 20 years as i said before, 14yrs of having no father figure. I reunited with my dad 6 or 7 years ago. My thinking is that I was too young to remember it, he did his time in jail, he admitted to the court what he did and now has to live with the guilt and grief he brought on himself for what he did. I don't deny that there is trauma I just can't remember it, consciously at least. My sister hates me because I'm living with him now and my mum was actually proud of me for the first time... I feel uncertain about something but I can't quite put my finger on it. Dad hasn't done or said anything about it, all he's done is apologize while he cried for putting me through it.

[geoff]

dear Raven, you don't want any pity, well what you do need is recognition that most of your life you have been wondering why could all of this happen, is it at all possible, and could it happen to other families, and then mostly why does it happen, and why no one would ever believe what I said.

So there are a lot of ifs and buts here, but it can happen in other families, and why because someone was taking advantage of a minor, which is horrifying and disgraceful, and then don't believe you simply because they don't want to go down that road, as it would open a can of worms if told.

I don't want to go too deeply into this, but your dad has spent time in gaol, but he would be on the register listed as a paedofile, I am sorry to say that but but he sexually abused you and took advantage of you when you were very young.

Whether you remember it or not, but your mind could have blocked it off exactly what did happen, well for your part that's good, but when he apologises to you for what he did, he is admitting to you that he took advantage of you while you were very young, and no excuse would satisfy me if I was in your position, and this also applies to your mum's boyfriend.

It's dishonest and only benefitting their own sexual desires.

I'm sorry and you probably hate me for saying this, but I could never forgive anyone for doing this to me, let alone to live with them. L Geoff. x

[Raven666]

Hey Geoff. Yeah I know where your coming from and what your saying. That's the way my sister is. The difference being she remembers, I don't. I was told by an ex house mate of dads that a few years ago dad actually tried to take his life because of his guilt and grief. Even tho he was punished by the state serving 5years in prison his punishment still hasn't stopped. To live with the knowledge, the guilt and the grief of having his children hate him, what he's done. When I was told why I had no dad I thought it was just a story to keep me from knowing my dad. It was all true but when you see someone who is actually repentant for what they did and now have to live with it for the rest of their lives, I feel a kind of pity for them but its also justified. He screwed up and now has to live with it. I'm not denying its traumatic effect on my life, it put the crack in my armor and broke my trust. If it weren't for that incident my life wouldn't have been such a living hell. I have to live with those scars and the knowledge I'm damaged and he has to live with the fact that it's his fault. Hating someone for what they did and never seeing them is one thing but hating someone and then seeing them hating themselves each and every day for the rest of their life is something else completely. He could end his life but he feels he owes us the suffering to try to repentent the suffering he inflicted on us.

[geoff]

dear Raven, good reply and I do know what you are saying, just take care. L Geoff. x