Verbally abusive husband or am I just losing my mind?

[Yourlady_e]

My husband &I both have been married before & I have 2 sons who lives with their dad in South Africa & my husband has 4 daughters16-25. We have known each other for more than 15 years. The 25y old has a mental disability & lives with us along with the 16y old. His children constantly causes issues but so does he. I have been told they are not my children & am not allowed to talk to them about anything yet I get told I should get off my high throne & make a better effort to build better relationships with them. I feel like when I do that, he'll always causes some issue & manipulate them to choose his side & hate me again. In 3years we have not had one week of peace. I have been going for counseling at a counselor as well as my local pastor. He has been to my pastor for a while but stopped, says there is nothing wrong with him it's me that has the problem. The few times he did go to my pastor he told them lies & managed to manipulate the situation so to turn it into his favor. Until last year October I still believed I was the problem & that I needed help. Last year October things got so bad again that I tried to commit suicide for the second time. After that failed, I sought out some help from a counselor who helped me to think differently of myself. However things still has not changed in our house! Every week there will be something new he will find to start an argument with me and nothing I do or say is ever right. He would yell at me that I am f'd up, that no one will ever love me, I am a hateful person & he hates people like that. He says I just hate him & his daughters & had a calculated plan to ruin their lives. He will tell me he wants a divorce but he is not going to get it, I should. If I use the car he says I am just using him & I steal his car as I do not pay for it. I am a housewife so I do not earn any money! He will tell me I sit on my back all day, thinking out all kinds of devious plans against him. I used to yell & swear back at him to give him some of his own medicine but I stopped doing that now as that just gave him more excuse to point fingers at me. I then just leave him alone and keep to myself. Eventually after a day or two he'll just give me hugs and act as if nothing ever happened!  No apologies whatsoever!  After he has managed to push his children away from me again and pushed me away, he comes back in being the hero who loves me and wants to comfort me!

Am I losing my mind or is there something seriously wrond with my husband? 

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[white knight]

Hi yourlady, welcome here

It isn't easy commenting because we often hear only one side of a story. But it is important to you and many people reading this thread that there are 2 people in any relationship and neither can be 100% correct. We have to own our actions and comments, take full responsibility for them even if most of the instigation was made by our partners, the little bit left that is our fault we have to own.

In this case I'll just mention one thing before I want to mention your environment. You claimed " I used to yell & swear back at him to give him some of his own medicine". That's tit for tat and it never works. Be yourself regardless of the difficulties. Don't lower yourself to anothers standards of abuse.

You seem to be in a toxic situation. It is hard enough being a step parent let alone to 4 people one being mentally challenged. I think (only opinion) that your husband I not happy, possibly depressed and who knows what else. He is blaming you for being yourself,...so you will likely not be able to defuse this situation.

Couples need a foundation of care, faith and share the same objectives. As a team couples can achieve almost anything. I suggest that (base don your post) that you never achieved that bond of friendship between you and his children...so critical in step parent situations. Such a bond is rare though IMO. And this lack of unity just adds to the volatility of your marriage.

His verbal abuse to you (i.e. saying no one will ever love you) is unacceptable and it is 100% abuse. There is no excuse for this.

I planned my end of my life once in 1996. One week prior to leaving my verbally abusing wife. It is a place I will never visit again. It would have been selfish and wrong to go that path. I would now do anything to avoid that frame of mind...anything!!. I would separate, move, leave the area and so on. If your home life is that bad that you have tried all you can to remedy the situation then you might just have no answer to this problem. That's ok, it doesn't mean you are wrong, at fault, not loving enough or not caring. It means you cannot heal it and you cannot change him.

Time out could be one answer. A period of time away to see things clearly. But those partners in denial that do point the finger and blame...can cause you to believe you are at error all the time. Whatever has happened you have both lost the essence of your unity...faith, care, love and wonder. Stay brave.Care for yourself

Tony WK