I don't think I'm strong enough...

[Solosombra]

Rape, abuse, forced into religion early, high expectations from a iron fisted farther, famous cousins I'm constantly being measured against, a life time of regrets at 26, losing a baby, cheated on twice, craving love/companionship but to scared to trust anyone again ever, work, siblings that look up too me but I just want to hide from the world in my own corner. I need strength but I'm too damn weak. Why? Why am I not strong enough to deal with this anymore? Usually I can find the strength I need by helping others but that's starting to not work and its scaring me so much. I've never hit a low like this before and it feels like quicksand everything I do backfires in my face.

[Solosombra]

Thats the hope 😃 this froday will be my fourth session.

thats good im glad 😃

two weeks nightmare free sounds like heaven. It must have been one tough road to get to that point though! It must be like seeing a light at the end of a tunnel having your last session soon?

yeah i was introduced very early but have since rebelled. I guess i consider myself a spiritual person but not religious. Religion hasnt been of comfort to me for awhile now. i found to many loop holes in the writtings of the gospe during my studies which turned me off. I was told those inconsistencies could be explained through faith but i guess that is a gift i havent recieved yet. In any case i hope there is a god and devil, its sad to think that people can do such horrible things because its mankinds nature, id much rather think that a devil of sorts has a part to play.

Kiamau xx

[Guest_5218]

I think I understand what you are saying Kiamau. I'm glad you still consider yourself spiritual though. Unfortunately it is true of most religions that where they cannot explain something - they rely on the old adage of "have faith". For me though, who likes to have proof of things, it just doesnt seem to work. I agree with you that if there were a devil, it could explain some of the dreadful things mankind do on occasions.

So it will be your 4th session this Friday. Has it gone as you expected it would, or have there been some surprises along the way?

Yes its true it has been a tough road for me getting to this point. 4 months of intensive Exposure Therapy mid last year, and then the EMDR therapy this year. It has certainly been a process. But I can see a number of improvements now, so there is definitely light at the end of what has been a long tunnel.

I hope you soon start to see some benefits also Kiamau.

Sherie xx

[Solosombra]

Yeah same here, after everything that has happened faith isnt too high on my priority list.

Its been pretty hectic i wasnt expecting the hot flashes and nightmares to be as intense as they are but it wasnt wholly unexpected.

Thats good sherrie im happy it is working out for you 😃 fingers crossed the lists of positives keep building for you.

I hope so too your experiences you share give me strength to keep going

kiamau xx

[Guest_5218]

Morning Kiamau. I would have checked in with you Friday or over the weekend, but I have been away and without access to computer.

I am just wondering how your latest EMDR session went on Friday?

I expect these sessions continue to bring on nightmares and flashbacks as well as other anxiety symptoms. But for me they started to lesson in intensity the more sessions I had, so I hope by now that is happening for you too.

How did your basketball go last Wednesday or over the weekend? Have you heard from your brother recently?

Thinking of you Kiamau, with much affection. You're one of the truly good guys! Big hug.

Sherie xx

[Solosombra]

Again with the helpless feeling and not having any sort of spine today. I dont feel like one of the good guys anymore 😞 i feel like a pawn who has no value left to the chess game so its time to leave the board. I fight and i struggle and i survive but when im alone with my own thoughts i dont feel any stronger then when i started. I feel just as weak and hopeless as the 13 year old kid who was in over his head.

Is it time to rest yet? When does my battered soul get to take a break from the constant and never ending?

[Clues_Of_Blue]

I'm sorry you're struggling so much, Kiamau. My fight may be different to yours, but I know so well the constant onslaught, from within as well as the outside world. It feels like there's no end, no peace to be had. I wish I had answers, I really do. All I can say is I am here to listen and support you, so you don't have to fight on your own.

Blue.

[Solosombra]

Its ok blue thanks for replying btw.

you understand the struggle of constantly fighting within while ignoring/coping with outside influences aswell. If i had the answers id share them with you too.

Its a bittersweet feeling to know that someone gets me. I wish you were spared this pain but it does help to know i dont have to be alone in this!

I pride myself on strength of character and depending on myself alone but i can never really get away from needing help 😞 aaargh lol

[Lost_Girl]

Dear Kiamau,

We all need people, we need to feel loved and needed. It is ok to need others so when you say you can never get away from needing help, it's ok. It is ok to need help, to need others. It is not a sign of weakness or of failure but a sign of strength to recognise that you need help.

Embrace it Kiamau. Keep hope, keep faith. You are worthy and you are safe now and you are loved. We were never meant to go it alone. I see huge strength of character in you. Be proud.

Here is a hug for you.

Carol

[Clues_Of_Blue]

I know what you mean. I loathe asking for help, and more often than not if I force myself to do so, it gets me nowhere anyway. I think a lot of us on these forums are in the mess we're in because we've had to be strong for so long, and the support just isn't there.

I'm finding even now I have a decent partner and the great people here on the forums like yourself there's so much healing to be done I think it's going to take a bloody long time and a lot of work. But the support is here, for both of us. Over time I hope both our burdens grow less heavy with more hands to lift them.

[Solosombra]

I hear you carol 🙂 i do. Just years of being taught the opposite has gotten me pretty set in that bad habbit. I originally joined BB looking for help and being told it was ok to ask for it 😕 guess i still have a ways to go.

And a hug back to you carol.

Yeah im the same blue if i have to force myself it feels like defeating the purpose and i go it alone again.

Yeah thats the wish for us all a lighter load and people to trust again i think