I crave the innocence of my innerchild

BeTTerDaYsCome

I've been waking up in sweat lately, I find myself crying over the past as if it would change the outcome of today. I mourn for my innocence, I yearn for my childhood & desire peace in lonliness. I look at my family and a sea of nothingness washes over. I HAVE 0 Love left in me.

Cutting ties and connections have felt like the equivalent of having open wounds then squeezing lemon juice on top to bring instant and quick relief from pain that didn't have to be there to begin with, however I have no ability to release this emotion in a healthier way because of that patterns that came embedded in me its all i know.
STAY quiet.Dont Complain.Its In the PAST.WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT ITNOW? Your still not over it?
I Called my dad when my brother inlaw forced himself on me. I cried a pool of tears as I trembled and voiced my fears. "DAD, I left in such a rush because I was so scared, I forgot to take my keys can I come stay with you? What if he comes here?". .. I was met with a response that only tore my already broken pieces into crumbs. "well! Who told you to go there? That's what happens when you don't stay put!. You'll be fine". I gripped that phone as if I had dug my hands into my chest and were pumping my own heart physically. I called my mum and her first response? " Why would you call your dad? Now he's gonna think less off me? He doesn't deserve to know our family buisness. This is so embarassing".

I Apologiesed to my mother... for not being considerate enough. My sister; She chose to stay with that vile creature. She went on to justify that he had been heavily intoxicated. INTOXICATION DOES NOT EQUATE TO RAPE. Yet sure... let's blame the alcohol. In light of all of that. My family still chose to put a blanket over these disgusting acts, tuck it in and proceed with the facade of "Happy family".

It's ironic really, people know us for being a 'big happy family' yet my fear of touching people STEMS from Those very seeds known as "Family". First it was my uncle - My mum called me a liar; My grandfather. - I was labelled 'young a naieve" My older sister - She claimed I was insane - My brother - No one believed me & now my brother in law. putrid ! I hate my skin, I hate that when I sleep I need to barricade my door despite living alone. I scrub my skin till I am red because the thought that there is a trace of their skin that lingers on mine, repulses me. ?

The ONE other sister I confided in, used me as a pawn in her attempt to reconnect with her ex husband as she belittled me. " WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO, Your such a winer,WHY ARE YOU SCARED? Your so DRAMATIC".she said all of this in the car as I begged her to take me home running out of My older sisters house 2am in the morning barefoot abandoning everything i had arrived to her house with. I couldn't collect my thoughts fast enough I just cried. After she dropped me off to my house claiming she couldn't let me stay at hers because of a house guest I cried and stayed hidden in my wardrobe... the next day I've awoken to angry texts and calls & that same sister who claimed I had nothing to worry about is now saying
"I texted [exhusband] let him know what happened because who else am I meant to call to protect us?".

Sophie_M

Hey BeTTerDaYsCome,

Thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. We are so deeply sorry for what you experienced as a young person. No one deserves to go through what you have been through, and it is something that can understandably impact us well into adulthood, too. Sharing how you're feeling today is an incredibly brave thing to do.

We’re reaching out to you privately to check you’re okay. In the meantime, we’d encourage you to give the Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here.

If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. That might mean connecting with existing supports, following a safety plan, or you could connect with Lifeline on 13 11 14. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency, and you need to call 000 (triple zero). 

Another great resource is 1800RESPECT. If you'd like to have a chat with one of the lovely people at 1800Respect they're on 1800 737 732, or you can reach them on online chat, here.

Thank you again for sharing. Our community is here for you, and we’re sure they’ll spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you. 

Take good care of yourself today, and treat yourself extra gently if you need to.

Kind regards,
Sophie M

Earth Girl

Hi Betterdaystocome,

I'm so, so sorry about all these things you have gone through with your family! The way your family responded to what happened to you is really sad. All you wanted was some support after something really traumatic happened to you and a safer place to be and your Dad wouldn't even let you stay with him. And the way your mother responded is also really sad, you shouldn't have had to apologize for that, but with parents like this, I guess it's the safest thing to do. Your mother shouldn't have been embarrassed, she should have felt concerned as you had just been abused really badly. And the fact that you got a response from her like that after you were holding your phone for comfort would have been even more heartbreaking.

I can kind of relate to everyone thinking your family is so great when it's really not, but not to this extent because if something like this happened to me, at least my family would have cared. I'm really sorry that your family didn't care about what happened to you.

And your sisters caring more about wanting to stay/be with a spouse/ex? That's also very sad. I'm shocked that your mother is more concerned with keeping up the appearance of the family than caring for her own daughter and that your Dad blamed what happened on you even though you were scared. Most families would have helped their daughter out in a situation like this no matter what had happened previously.

It's hard to know what to do about this situation, but I thought I would respond to try to give you some comfort and let you know that I can see that this is a really horrible situation to be in!

I've heard that they have places for women who have experienced domestic violence. I'm not sure if this would fall under that category specifically because it was from your brother-in-law and not your spouse, but you might be able to look into something like that. You deserve to have somewhere to stay where you feel safe.

Earth Girl

Aw, I'm so glad this made you feel a bit better and made you feel seen! 💜 I fully get what you mean about wanting to let things out. Sometimes if you just hold it in, it can make you feel worse or even eventually "explode."

Thank you so much! I hope things get much easier for you too! You seem a lot nicer than the rest of your family so you should be very proud of that! You've been through so much yet have remained so kind! Wishing you the best! 💗