How to cope with people attempting to pick you up when you have a history of trauma?

[Cornstarch]

I was wondering if anyone else with a trauma background finds it hard navigating people coming onto you, and lets just say they do it with no class. Like hurl themselves at you, face plant, face pash when you have given zero signals. And when I say zero I mean zero. I have a tremendous fear of coming across as a sleaze ball so tend to stand back a bit.

Whenever it's happened I've had mates present and to ease my fear that I was a sleaze ball they've had to confirm for me that I was just standing there innocently like a wall flower and had barely opened my mouth let alone flirted or begun a conversation. I was like "what the hell just happened".

My trauma hasn't shut me down sexually or affected my libido but the dating game has been setting off some horrible triggers, that are extremely difficult to explain to randoms that don't know you. One person set off a cascade of trauma recently thinking that they were being flattering. To make it worse I have no one to talk to about how triggering it is for me because I have this truly bizarre situation where my siblings and family are proud of it. I've had people 10 years my junior go in for the kill and they think it is hilarious. They especially love it if both sexes crack onto me in one night. It makes me feel more alone.

I have no desire to hide from the world because life is too short but I want to balance feeling safe with being social. I am totally, totally shit at telling people "I'm not interested in you".

How do I say "I am not interested in you" without hurting them or causing them pain/distress, but keeping firm boundaries and only pursuing people I want to pursue?

[blondguy]

Hello Cornstarch

You have brought up a good point where someone invading your personal space is concerned.

I would feel mega offended if someone gave me a face pash when I didnt want one...I am not being 'politically correct' here but the last time I checked its really an assault against you.

You have every right to be safe and secure without having some idiot in your private space. I am sorry but can you let me know why your siblings and family are proud of it? You have been subject to affection that is unwarranted and uncalled for.

I am only guessing but from what you have written you are young. You have every right to your personal space and all other considerations are secondary. You have huge strength to get on the forums and let us know whats happening. The words 'Back Off' ring a lot a bells but that of course is easy for me to say flying a console as a volunteer.

If you wish to give any more detail we can only support/help you more.....and very happily so too!

My kindest thoughts to you cornstarch and please post back when convenient 🙂

Paul

[Doolhof]

Hi Cornstarch,

Like Paul has mentioned, people should respect other people's personal space.

If you are not at all interested in the person and you don't want the attention, you are going to have to come up with some kind of comment. It is not easy to tell people you are not interested in them, but they shouldn't just approach you like that either.

Hopefully people will come up with ideas on what you can say. My mind is at a blank as I have never had that kind of trouble!

Would telling them you are already in a relationship make a difference?

It must be very difficult having family and friends who do not take your situation seriously. Trauma of any kind can be debilitating.

It is good you are still able to go out and enjoy yourself and have not decided to hide yourself away.

Before someone gets right up in your face, could you hold your hand out as a deterrent so they don't come any closer? That should be a bit of a clue to people that you are not interested.

Hopefully others will come up with ideas for you!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Cornstarch,

This is a great question and I think it's hard in the dating world because people don't really get 'personal space' - just like blondguy and Mrs Dools mentioned. People kind of have this assumption that invading your space is flattering and a turn-on and often in reality it's just not okay for a lot of people.

One thing that I found personally useful is being aware of where you are meeting people; people are more likely to invade your space and trigger you if you are in bars, clubs, music festivals or general places where it's normal to be tightly packed. Other (space respecting) places might be bookstores or libraries, parks, museums, cinemas or workplaces/schools. So I'm wondering where you are going to meet these people and if it's worth 'shaking up' the dating scene?

Another thing that might be useful is being aware of your body language so that you're able to avoid situations that are too-close. This might be non-verbal cues like avoiding eye contact, putting your hands or arms in front of you to symbolise 'stop', stopping the conversation entirely, crossing your arms, acting busy, act rigid, taking a step back or even holding hands and going side by side so that you avoid the full-frontal (and intimidating) posture.

In terms of telling people though - this can be difficult; I think if you can people will appreciate the honesty. But alternatively you could try "not now", "maybe later" "I like being friends with you and don't want to jeopardise that" or "can we just do this instead?" so that you're finding a mutual compromise. If you're at a busy place you could use distraction by keeping busy - or humour.

Hope this is helpful

[Cornstarch]

Thanks guys you are all so caring. I forgot about this post but was reminded on the weekend because of a conversation I was having with a women who’s going through a really tough break-up with her partner who was
sexually assaulted in her early 20s. She has spiralled into drug problems so far that they have lost their house. I felt so sorry for her it made me realise how common the problem is and the ramifications it can have on women across the life-span. I really wish I was more robust so I could talk publicly about these issues because a lot is lost in translation and mis-interpreted on these forums because people don’t know your intrinsic personality and mis-read things.

I realised there was a typo in my post and I meant to say that my mates confirmed I wasn’t a sleaze ball. I have a very deep-seated fear of coming across as sleazy and predatorial so I stand back because I never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. Sorry to break this to you but I’m not that young. Will you pluck my greys? Sex, sexuality is still alive and pumping in all age brackets and my friends in their 60s & one in their 70s may be a little offended you thought I was! Just kidding with you Paul. They will laugh.

As for my siblings thinking its funny - that is as harmless as triggering pleasant memories in their brain of Uni days at college. I know that must sound odd and that we are a bunch of juvenile delinquents that ought to just
grow up and get a grip, but our childhood was so bleak that any fun and naughty stuff made us feel alive for the 1st time. We had “age inappropriate” responsibility and our childhood lasted 5 minutes. I felt so guilty even raising it with them because I don’t want my siblings fun memories to be tarnished and brining them down with my trauma. I love seeing their eyes light up. Nothing makes me happier. In fact it was during a juvenile shenanigan at Uni where one of my siblings met the love of her life, she was 17. Makes you sick doesn't it. They still kiss behind corn flake boxes.

I guess for me that’s where the loneliness begins, because the distance between their experiences and mine is so vast that I chose not to talk to them about it and I speak to my clinical psychologist instead because I don't want to bring them down anymore than they already are. I want them to have more fun, and more light silliness because it's been pretty tough so far.

[Cornstarch]

As for the end of the story I didn’t cave in to the monster. I got back out there. I’m not letting him win and scare me for any longer than he already has, the boogy man can go jump. But it’s hard.

And lets get real. Sexual assault is not a sexy subject. It’s heavy. It’s draining. And it’s horrible. No-one even wants to think about it. I don’t want to think about it! Let alone talk about it. Who wants to be that intense weirdo. Not me, and neither do any of my other friends that have been abused. But we still want to live.

I suppose what is so frustrating is that like everyone else on this forum no-one is above their biology. I have been in denial for a good 5 years thinking that I am above my biology while “healing” keeps getting thrown
at me. I ain't gonna heal this. So when you’re out and someone just launches themselves at you and your biology goes into a spack attack in public, it’s embarrassing. Even if your mates are there right with you to dust you off and tell them to bugger off. It’s embarrassing.

[Doolhof]

Hi Cornstarch,

I guess people try to get through life the best way they can. Depending on how we have been treated, how we learn to deal with issues, the amount of resources available to us and how we perceive right and wrong all affect how we act and react.

I was the angry teenager who ran away from home at 17 and moved interstate. Needing to get away from the horrors at home necessitated that action in my eyes.

People who have live troubled or horrendous childhoods may well reach out to anyone who shows any sign of caring or contact. Or some people retreat so far within themselves they loose sight of what life can be.

Trusting people after you have been hurt so dreadfully can be a very hard thing to do. Trying to form a relationship with someone that may lead to sexual connection is harder still in some people's cases. How do you let go of the past enough to allow the future to flourish?

Healing may be impossible or very difficult. How do you forget something that has happened to you?

Trying to make the most of today is important.

Cheers from Mrs. Dools