How do I survive the betrayal .. [Trigger Warning: sexual abuse]

[Dotajoli]

Hi I need advice on how to survive the betrayal from my husband and stepsons!

my daughter disclosed sexual abuse by all 3 of them and I am just gutted.. I have loved this man for 14 yrs and treated these boys as my own.. I have let my daughter down by bringing these 3 into our life and I have no idea how to move forward.

i have moved us out of our home but feel so isolated and alone because I've lost my best friend..plus feel like the past 14 years was just a lie..

Any survival suggestions?

[Juliet_84]

Hi Dotajoli,

I’m sorry to hear that you don’t have any support around you. Although that being said, sometimes those closest to us don’t often know what we are going through, or inadvertently say the wrong things and make the whole situation worse.

I am aware that some areas have psychologist-led, facilitated peer-support groups for people coping with the effects of sexual abuse. That may be something for you and your daughter? I’m not sure how old your daughter is but just be mindful that your daughter may feel more comfortable going separately? Or it may be something that only you feel comfortable doing. Whatever the case, I agree with Geoff that 1800RESPECT would be the first port of call. I’m so proud of you, just keep putting one foot in front of the other, you both will start to heal with time xx

[Dotajoli]

Hi I have a question as i am trying to process things and wondering if anyone can help... My daughter has said her step brothers happened several times over 4 year where as my husband was once 2 years ago (and was not s#*) which he explicitly denies ever happened... i am so torn even tho i have taken action and relocated us to a new home and would "never" let my daughter know i have doubt.. i am wondering is there a possibility he is telling the truth.. he is devastated the daughter he has raised for 14 years could turn on him and say such untruths..we have had a fantastic marriage which became much closer after the death of our son and distancing ourselves from negative family and we are missing our friendship so much ... Is there a chance that a marriage can sustain this ...can a child be confused when something like this happens ... i am wondering if she has embellished the part about my husband as with all our kids they know how strong our marriage is and she new this was the only way we would be removed from her brothers...Does this even sound feasible or does it sound like wishful thinking and grasping at straws? am i being stupid and in denial ?

I am so sorry for all the questions just wanting help to process things 😞

/

[Juliet_84]

Hi Dotajoli,
Do you have any reason to believe that your daughter would be lying? Does she lie often or is this fairly out of character for her? Does she have a motive or a longstanding dislike of your relationship? If it were me, I would be inclined to believe your daughter, as hard as that may be to digest, because the thought of not believing someone who has been abused in their own home almost doesn’t bear thinking about. I don’t think that you can realistically consider this, as I can’t see how you could ever invite the man who stands accused of abusing your daughter back around her even if you are not entirely sure whether the abuse occurred, whether it was s€* or not. I understand this must be extremely difficult for you, and you cannot reach out to the one person who you usually would in such a crisis. I think the only way that this could be resolved is if you daughter confessed, free of any coercion, that she had made the entire thing up. Sometimes we want something to not be true so much that we try and look for proof it’s not, but I think you need to guard against that feeling in this instance.

[Dotajoli]

Hi Juliet im sure you are right my mind just cant fathom how I missed this for 4 years how no one in our family seen anything(we have a bundle of kids between us) this has divided us all (well my daughter and i are on our own) and i cant see how no one seen anything!! there has been very little privacy in our home for the past 14 years...I presume the police will get to the bottom of it eventually (well i desperately hope so) my daughter has told lies before as do all kids at some time in their life...nothing of this extreme tho usually just about food and drinks being taken which is very common in our house with so many mouths to feed....i feel torn for the man i love as we have been to hell and back after the death of a child i cant fathom him placing our marriage in jeopardy for 10 minutes!! As i dont want to tarnish the process or say the wrong thing and we are yet to receive counselling i have not discussed anything with my daughter other than the bear minimum on day one in which i just cuddled her told her we strong women will get through this and then i took action by moving out that night... i do understand i have to show support and belief ..the turmoil i have inside is not only the loss of my whole family my best friend and something which we have worked extremely hard to build for 14 years ..a close family of step kids .. and although my husband understands the position i am in and we agreed to me moving out .. i feel i have let my husband down "if he is innocent" ...we are both finding the process really difficult as it is presumed "guilty" by everyone involved in the process and before the investigation even started.

Thank you for listening i appreciate your responses and they are helping me to process this nightmare ..

[Juliet_84]

You can’t blame yourself, you can’t be watching all the time, things happen all the times, people are robbed in broad daylight, crimes are committed in crowds, sometimes people witness things and they are scared, or don’t see things with so much going on, your mind is trying to rationalize something that doesn’t make sense to it. You are unfortunately in a terrible situation, either you believe your daughter is telling the truth and that means you have to face something terrible about your husband and stepsons, or don’t believe your daughter and she has lied about something that has torn your family apart, or she’s telling the truth and her trust in you as her protector is completely shattered. I can imagine that your brain may find it almost more palatable to think she made the whole thing up.

All that you can do right now is be there for her and trust the investigative process. Please don’t think you are letting your husband down if he’s innocent, any reasonable person would understand this has to be the approach. In the same way you are there for your daughter he has to be there for his sons. This is a sad situation and I’m sorry you are going through it right now. I wish you strength in the face of this xx

[Dotajoli]

Juliet thanks you have the ability to put everything into perspective xx

[Juliet_84]

My pleasure, glad I could help in some little way xx please feel free to write whenever you need to talk, everyone is pretty supportive around here 🙂