How do I survive the betrayal .. [Trigger Warning: sexual abuse]

[Dotajoli]

Hi I need advice on how to survive the betrayal from my husband and stepsons!

my daughter disclosed sexual abuse by all 3 of them and I am just gutted.. I have loved this man for 14 yrs and treated these boys as my own.. I have let my daughter down by bringing these 3 into our life and I have no idea how to move forward.

i have moved us out of our home but feel so isolated and alone because I've lost my best friend..plus feel like the past 14 years was just a lie..

Any survival suggestions?

[geoff]

Hello Dotajoli, can I give you warm welcome first of all because what has happened must be awful but please don't think you've let your daughter down, your husband and stepsons have done this and I'm just so sorry.

What your daughter went through needs to be reported to the authorities, these people need to be charged and dealt with by the courts.

My sincere condolences to your daughter.

Both you and her need to begin the counselling process, it may seem to be very difficult to begin with, but authorities will direct you to the correct places.

One suggestion would be to contact 1800RESPECT, others will be able to provide other people with the best care available for counselling, bar a psychologist.

It's not going to easy for your daughter to feel comfortable to open up, this will take time and patience and the same will apply to you with his betrayal.

I'm truly deeply sorry as I haven't given you much advice on your first comment.


Thankyou for giving us the trust you need.

Geoff.

[CJames]

Hi Dotajoli,

This is a disgusting situation, I feel for you and your daughter and couldn't imagine it happening to myself. As Geoff mentioned this needs to be dealt with by the police.

It's past repairing the relationship; it's about removing yourself from this toxicity, which you have done. That takes a lot of courage, and we're proud.

Although these boys were involved, if they're under the age of 18, I would suggest reporting this to child services. I couldn't imagine what's going on with just the father.

It's hard to deal with betrayal, especially after 14-years.

As Geoff said, It's time to begin the next step, councilling. I often find with councilling; it's a personal choice thing. I would suggest discussing with your daughter where and with who (age and gender) she want's to speak with. It's all about feeling comfortable.

While supporting someone such as your daughter, you need to make sure you are okay. There's no point helping someone when you're not okay yourself. As harsh as that may sound, it often doesn't work out very well that way.

Make sure to keep us updated throughout your journey,

Best of luck.

C.

[Dotajoli]

Thanks Geoff and C. this has been reported the day it was disclosed 7 weeks ago and is in the process of being investigated as it commenced in 2012 and ended in 2016..

im really not sure what they can do as there is no evidence..

unfortunately we are still waiting on counselling

[Dotajoli]

PS thank you for replying as this is a very lonely road to travel.

[CJames]

Hi Dotajoli,

Don't feel as it is a lonely road as much as it may seem, as horrible as it is; it's happening more regularly people, as this occurs people are becoming more and more worried about discussing it.

I don't want you or your daughter to feel ashamed either; it's an unfortunate series of event that can rip the confidence out from inside you.

C.

[Dotajoli]

That is does C. thanks

[Juliet_84]

Dear Dotajoli,

I just want to reach out and give you a hug! I can’t imagine the storm of emotions that you must be going through at the moment - anger, hurt, betrayal, guilt, shame (even though completely unwarranted on your part), and also heartbreak over the end of a long-term relationship, which in itself is often overwhelming. You ask how to survive it, but you’re already surviving it. Your actions thus far have shown superhuman strength, and that is when you must have been at your weakest, having just found out. You have acted with immense integrity in this and I truly respect you for that. You believed your daughter when she told you, even though a lot of people enter into a state of denial and took the necessary actions to make her safe. You can’t control what other people have done, but you have done nothing wrong. What is your support network like? Can you talk to them about this? Both of you also obviously need immediate counseling. Can the police arrange this for you?

[Dotajoli]

Hi Juliet_84,s thank you for such insight yes i guess I am already surviving i hadn't thought of it that way at all..Unfortunately i have no support network or family my husband and our kids was my world and my reason for everything i did! The crimes took place in another state therefore we have been shoved between two states but after lots of pushing we finally have intake for counselling on Tuesday so i presume we will have an appointment set for after that.

[geoff]

Hello Dotajoli, I am so pleased you have heard from CJames and Juliet with comforting replies.

There maybe no evidence but the police or if you do have a lawyer have their unique way of finding out, plus these perpetrators will be marked down in the police records, so whatever the result is they will have a mark against their name.

You maybe entitled to Crime Victim Compensation so can you please have a look at this, ' National Association of Crime Victim Compensation Boards', this provides medical, counseling costs and any loss of wages.

They will also compensate your daughter an amount of money but each State I believe offers a different amount of money.

Thanks so much for getting back to us.

Geoff.