My story is kept hidden and I never let my guard down people think I'm confident, tough and come to me to sort everything (family and work colleagues) but I'm not I'm a complicated mess.
Alcoholic father, verbally abusive, gas lighter.
Looked after my mother with MH from the age of 11 and my younger brother, mother remains dependent.
Raped age 13 and abused by an older man.
Suffered repeated violence from my first boyfriend. His violence caused the loss of our baby. I was aged 15.
Married and settled 34 years had two kids cancer in 2008 survived.
I have a good job and responsibilities but no one knows what goes on in my head. My father made me feel worthless all my life this year he died of liver failure. I said good bye 3 days before as he asked to talk to me he still didn't say he loved me, he never did.
I think about ending the pain sometimes, sometimes I punch myself for being stupid and the rest of the time I am just lonely and sad. I have anxiety and occasionally panic attacks they used to be a lot worse.
The anxiety presents as swallowing difficulty when eating. I also have anger spikes which turn into hating myself.
I'm posting to ask how you leave the past behind? I've seen a therapist through the GP but it was worth what I paid not much.
Thank you for reading this has been hard to write down but I figured unless I face up to the problems they are going to keep getting worse.
