Experiencing immense grief, sadness, loss, loss of hope and angry over family.

[Guest_9043]

Hi,

I am an adult survivor of Childhood abuse and Trauma. I was abused by both parents growing up well into my adult years. I am now 40 years old.

I let go of him (male family member opposite to a mother) I cannot even say the name. I let him go just after I turned 30 years old. I finally realised it was not my fault that my father did not love me. 18 years of my life completely wasted. It took me roughly ten years to deal with the grief, loss and abuse. It was so so so hard. I did not go to counselling. In hindsight maybe I should have but cannot be undone what is now done. I still have some things to work through in regards to him but nowhere near as much as my two remaining family members, her ( again opposite to a father) and my sister. I have made a choice that when he passes away (not that I will find out probably) that I will not be going to his funeral. He did not want me being alive, so really he does not deserve my farewell or respect. I already said goodbye to him. I know there is no chance left nor hope of ever having a relationship. So I have said my goodbyes in my own way. Sometimes it still hurts, like when I am going to do something that any daughter would love to have him with them and I feel sad for a moment. I guess no matter how much work I do there will always be a small part of me that feels a pang of sadness sometimes. I don't acknowledge Fathers day and I don't acknowledge his Birthday. I just get on with things.

5 months ago I left a same sex Domestic Violence relationship.Nobody knew I was in a Domestic Violence Relationship. I still have that to heal and recover from. When my remaining family members found out, I was not even going to tell them, My sister never did a single thing, not one single thing to help me or support me. My mother came to court with me once and I will not say what she did that day, I will just say that after many many many years of severe abuse and trauma from both of them, something inside of me said NO MORE. It was a real strong NO MORE and I meant it which changed my whole world.

So to cut a very long story short, I am currently in a place now where the hope has died. I held hope for a long time. Hope for the family I needed and wanted. I have come to realise neither of them actually want to change and that is why my hope has gone. They don't want therapy and it is all about them. I am in therapy. I don't have any friends so I have no emotional support or people to talk to. It's VERY painful.

[Aaronsis]

Hi 2quik

I am so grateful that you have shared your story here and had a chance to get some of how you are feeling, which I am sure is only a tiny amount of what I can only read, I have no idea how you must be feeling or how painful this is for you to live with everyday, but wow, what a strong woman you are and you living this and you are getting help and that is so wonderful. I am so very sorry and so very sad that this has happened to you and that you have also had to experience domestic violence on top of what already sounds like a mountain of grief.

I am so very proud that you have been able to say NO MORE and put you first, to get the help that you need to manage this and to make a life for yourself. I know this is no consolation but you have a family here, we care and we are here for you. I hear your pain that you don't have loved ones with you to celebrate the wins in your life and to be there in times of celebration and that is really painful, but I am so proud you have put you first and chose you...as hard as this must have been.

That is so true what you mentioned about people changing, they actually do have to want to..and no one can force this. That too is another painful thing to have to deal with that perhaps they don't want to change.

I am so very sorry you have had this experience in life but your attitude and your determination to heal is so very inspiring and I am so proud to have "met" you.

Huge hugs to you 2quik

AS

[Summer Rose]

Hi 2quik

Thank you for trusting us with your story. I am so sorry that you were abused as a child and not given the love and support that you needed. This is such a tragedy.

I imagine you know this but I still want to say that none of that was your fault. Just like the domestic violence was not your fault. My heart goes out to you.

With the right professional help you can get through this. There is always hope for brighter days ahead. Always. Keep moving toward the light, one step at a time. Posting here was a great step forward.

While it's impossible for any of us to give you the family you never had but needed, it is possible for us to support you and sit with you in friendship.

When you are feeling stronger, you can also work to create your own "family".

My dog is my family. Do you have a pet? Would you like one? Animals are amazing to love and give unconditional love. The bond between my dog and I is a key foundation of my life.

My friends are also family. I moved to Australia 30 years ago and created my own Aussie family. I know you said you have no friends, but when you're feeling better you might think about volunteer work.

There are so many lonely elderly people in nursing homes in need of visitors, so many children needing foster care, so many children who need a coach or team manager, so many people in hospital in need of cheer. You get the idea. There are people in the community who need you.

You hang in there. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers

[Guest_9043]

Hi Aaronisis's,

I am very overwhelmed right now by the compassion, the kindness and the support. I have been devoid of that for such a very long time and I was not expecting it from my post. I am not quite sure what to do with it right now. I am a bit lost for words BUT I know I want to say something. I am going to deal with the overwhelm first because I think things will not come out the way I wish to say them. I will respond when I feel I have settled.

For now, I just want to say thank you so much just for the time and heartfelt words. It helps and changes things a lot. Thank you and huge hugs right back to you.

[Guest_9043]

Hello Summer Rose,

If you see my reply to Aaronsis, my response is the same to you. I am struggling for words at the moment but when I have settled I will respond. Thank you for your beautiful post.

[Aaronsis]

Hi 2quik

It is our pleasure to be here for you and to support you, I am sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed, we just care. Take your time and come back when you are ready.

AS

[Summer Rose]

Hi 2quik

You do you. Take the time you need and just breathe. Absolutely no pressure to respond.

Kind thoughts to you

[Guest_9043]

Hi AS,

Sorry, it was not your fault that I was feeling overwhelmed. I just have a lot going on and it was late at night after a very long day. I really loved your response I just didn't know how to cope with it. I have had a very long rest, taken care of what I can and feel I can respond now. I am very strong, my issue is that even with my strength, I feel very angry that life has given me so much pain and heartache as well as too many times where I had to be strong. I am VERY TIRED AS. I cannot take anymore. I do not want to go into a lot of detail as it is just too much. I have been homeless and lived on the streets, a drug addict and a taste for alcohol but not an alcoholic. I have been clean and sober for quite a few years now. If I was ever going to go back, I would have by now with what has been thrown my way. I went through sexual abuse as a child not by any family member and thankfully it only happened once, I am Non Binary so dealing with the hatred and abuse of my sexuality has been hard, I have been through numerous different experiences over the years of Spiritual Abuse, Failed and extremely traumatising relationships and my recent one leaving Domestic Violence, My best friend died while we were living together, he died in the house and then the different forms of abuse from both parents and my sister over the years. I do not want to go into depth, that is why I have a therapist and actually not good for me to do so either.

For the life I have had it is a miracle I am still alive and that I have actually not ended up a basket case with no hope. I do take my responsibility for what I chose to do when I left home at 16, all those choices, drugs, alcohol, partying, getting up to mischief, the bad relationships I got into etc. In saying that it is because I had come from such a dysfunctional abusive background. I had not been taught what healthy was nor even knew what it looked like. I was doing drugs and alcohol to deal with my stuff (not deal with it either) and because I was hanging around a very bad crowd. I have had to work extremely hard for a long time to turn my life around. I am a completely different person now. Still, at this point I am SO ANGRY I have more work to do,with, more loss to deal with and basically improve the quality of my life. I really appreciate your compliments, they do mean a lot to me. They definitely don't want to change. Im grateful that I may be able to make some friends here. Thank you so much for your care.

[Guest_9043]

Hi Summer Rose,

Thank you for your understanding and patience. I am not sure what to even call my childhood and formative adult years. It is even beyond sad and I am truly struggling to come to terms with it all and acceptance. I guess with time and therapy it may get a tad easier, it is so fresh and raw still. Thank you for saying the abuse as a child and so on plus the Domestic Violence was not my fault. I do know this BUT I still sometimes blame myself. I blamed myself a lot as a child for various reasons so breaking out of that is hard. The Domestic Violence is different and I blame myself now and then but am aware. I still need time to heal, work through stuff and recover.

I am grateful to be supported online through friendship. I take what I can get right now and if it is being offered plus it is safe for me to accept, I do. Thank you. Yes, I am not strong enough at this point. I am consciously choosing to remain single as I am nowhere nearly ready for love or stable enough to be in a relationship with anyone. Over the years I have tried to create my own family but it has never really turned out how I wished for it too. I am ANGRY cause I am 40 years old and so much has been taken from me. I can't get back a lot of what has been taken.

As for volunteer work believe me I have volunteered my entire life, helped people out my whole life. I still will help people, it is just that after so many years of people's expectations, neediness and responsibility that wasn't mine I never really had ANY time for me. I did not know what that even was. Total foreign concept. I need that now so I am doing that. I deserve it after everything. In many ways I am also very very very tired of helping. I need to help me and that takes up a lot of my time and energy.

I have no friends because no one wanted to help me when I left DV, so I let them all go. I knew if the shoe was on the other foot my friends would not even need to ask and that is when I decided, no more on that either. I knew it would leave me with no one at all, however I would rather have that than fake friends who don't give a damn about me really. It's been five months since I left and literally I lost everything that meant something to me. I am still trying to recover and it's going to be a long road. If I keep (them) in my life I am never going to get ahead or get anywhere. Sad but true. The pressure and overwhelm I feel everyday is hard to deal with. I just wish there would be a break for me.

[Aaronsis]

Thank you so much for such a detailed and heartfelt reply 2quik

My heart actually breaks for you but at the same time I am full of admiration and respect for you at the ability you have to get up and live life and choose to do so and choose you, you have really been through more than any one person should ever have to in a lifetime and you are only 40, the rest of your years you must be welcoming with joy as they are sure to be very different to the 40 you have already "served" and I say served as you were really not living, just existing and functioning and I am so full of admiration for you that you have come out the other side of this and that you are seeking help and that you are do empowered now to make a beautiful future for yourself, you so very very much deserve it.

I can hear how tired you are and how angry you are and no one would blame you at all. I hope you can take some time for you now and do some things in your life that bring you joy and that put a smile on your face and make you feel good to your core. I have not an inkling of an idea how the weight of your past must be so very heavy and hard to shed, but I can see you doing that and I can hear that you want that and that is so very wonderful.

You may write a book one day, I am not sure why I say that but you seem to me to be so amazing that I feel like there is much to be learned from your story and that should you find the courage and the strength to relive it to be able to retell it, it would be such a devastating tale but one of such power and strength.

Thank you for sharing you here and letting us be apart of your life.

We are here for you, you have no idea how much you have inspired me and given me hope.

Hugs

Sarah