Emotional Abuse

[Headintheclouds]

Hi,

I’m not sure this is the correct location to add this discussion.

I am struggling at the moment trying to workout if I have been/am being emotionally abused by my partner.

I have been with my partner for 2.5 years, throughout the relationship there has been many ups and downs.

Pulling me in, pushing me away, I love you, I don’t know if I love you, you make me feel like a real person, this relationship is making me unhappy, let’s have a baby, let’s never speak of having a baby again, let’s move in together, let’s break up.

Last year after being together for 1.5 years and him withdrawing, the first of the I don’t know if I love you, ignoring me, refusing to look as me etc I found drugs in a bag he was taking to and from work. After this, he withdrew further and it felt like he punished me for finding out his secret. He eventually admitted that he was/is a drug addict 8 years ago and has started using again casually. I know that it wasn’t casually because we would be at dinner and he would almost fall asleep while eating, almost falling asleep while driving, 1 night he did fall as asleep, with his kids in the car. 
 

A couple of months after, he had an epiphany that he really does love me and the relationship was the best it ever had been for a few months.

3 weeks ago, a switch flicked in him again and he withdrew completely. He’s constantly angry, he ignores me as though I don’t exist. More of I don’t know if I love you and I don’t know why I’m treating you like this. He is treating me like he suddenly hates me.

Saturday night I was comforting him because he was down and that night was the nicest he’s been to me in weeks. He was rubbing my back and then tried to lead to sex and I pushed him away because I didn’t want it. He stopped after I pushed him away the second time and I eventually woke up to him behind me pushing into my back. I tried to ignore him but he continued. I knew if I didn’t let him do what he wanted, he’d treat me even worse. When it was over, he didn’t touch me or say a word to me and he hasn’t since.

I am at a point now where I do not know if I am being abused. I cannot sleep properly, I’m forcing myself to eat and I’m genuinely questioning myself. I feel like I am in slow motion most days, and I am filled with anxiety to the point I am about to be physically sick. 
 

He tells me that he is depressed and I don’t doubt that, however, the constant turmoil makes me wonder if there is something more than depression. Not that anything would justify his behaviour to me right now anyway. 

It feels as though the silent treatment is like he is controlling me and keeping me in a constant state of confusion and disarray.

I feel humiliated that I gave him another chance and here I am again. It’s a pattern now. 

[Ggrand]

Dear Headintheclouds…

A warm welcome to the forums….

I am so sorry your partner is making you feel that way…is so not right, partners/spouses are suppose to be there for each other with unconditional love, care and respect…I can see from what your saying, you are there for him but he is not there for you…

Headintheclouds, ts been 2.5 years you have been together, and you’ve said you gave him another chance…and he hasn’t improved his ways?…

Something to think about sweetie, do you want this to be your life?  If after only 2.5 years he’s making you feel humiliated, how will it be for the next x amount of years if you remain with him….You deserve a loving and caring partner - someone that can care, love and most importantly respect you and your feelings….

I gave my husband so many chances that I can’t count how many…..I stayed with him for 38 years….( he passed away 13 years ago)…thats 38 years of feeling not good enough, humiliated and controlled by him….he never changed, because that was who he was….People rarely change….he left me a legacy of mental health illnesses….Which I’m still struggling with today….

Only you can decide if you want to continue on with your relationship the way it is…or leave him….Maybe if you want to continue, you could try couples counselling….

My kindest thoughts Dear Headintheclouds,

Grandy..

[therising]

Hi Headintheclouds

It sounds as though there is a serious lack of communication on his part. While his emotions and even inner dialogue may shift for one reason or another (based on some trigger that shifts them), he needs to communicate to you that he experiencing the shift, as opposed to you having to observe this for yourself in the most challenging of ways. For example, 'I can feel myself falling into a depression and I feel ______ may have triggered this change' or 'I can feel myself falling into a depression and I have no idea what's triggered the downshift'. With greater communication, the two of you can wonder together and figure out together the possible reason/s for the changes. He may not even know the reason/s. If it's something he needs to speak to a professional about, someone who's expert on detecting what could be going on, then that could be the way to go. 

With you continuing to experience the fallout from the mental and emotional shifts he's facing, it sounds like he's not addressing why they're happening. As Grandy mentions, 'Do you want this to be your life?'. Do you want him not addressing the causes or triggers to be your life? Do you want him numbing his feelings with drugs to be your life (feelings that are screaming for his attention)? He has a responsibility to you, to work this out. He has a responsibility to you, to not have your mental, emotional and physical health impacted on an ongoing basis. I'd say it's time for him to start doing some serious work in the way of gaining greater self understanding, as opposed to him simply hoping the next up shift is permanent. We all have ups and downs, some of us experience them far more intensely or severely than others. It's our job to work out why they happen and in the process this comes to serve everyone around us. 

Personally, I've entered into a downshift and I'm gradually coming to understand what it's about (a lot of complex factors and emotions involved). As a 55yo gal, it's taken me decades to finally work out there is a reason for every high, for every low and for every shift in perception and feeling. Your partner ignoring the reasons is torturing you. You deserve better than to be tortured. You deserve to evolve beyond the torture.❤️

[Headintheclouds]

Hi Grandy, 

Thank you for your response.

You are right, that’s a question I am constantly asking myself, is this the life I want.

I have made excuses for his behaviour to myself, he suffers from depression, it’s not fault, this isn’t really him but I am struggling to do this now. I think I’m out of excuses, even to myself. It’s not ok, I don’t think there is any excuse to treat anyone like this. Especially someone who only treats them with kindness.

His behaviour has genuinely surprised me, I didn’t think he was capable of treating anyone like this. Especially me. Even writing this, I remember thinking the same thing when he did this to me last year. 

I haven’t been able to get the other night off my mind. I keep replaying it over and over again in my mind. How could he do that, why. Those are questions I’ll never know the answer to and the answers don’t matter. He knew I didn’t want to, and he still did and he didn’t touch me after, nor say a word. I feel sick trying to process it.

Even if I wanted to forgive him for any of this, I’ll never see him the same way again.

I don’t want to allow him to do any further damage to me than he already has.

I am sincerely sorry to hear about your relationship with your husband. 38 years is such a long time to endure being tormented. Especially by someone who should love and protect you. I am sorry to hear you are still struggling, even after his passing. It’s scary that this type of treatment and wounds have such a big impact, long term.

I appreciate you.

[Headintheclouds]

Hi therising,

Thank you for your response.

It’s interesting that you mention the word torture, this is exactly how I feel. I feel like I am being tortured or tormented. It has always been the same, he punishes me by withdrawing and giving me the silent treatment. I go over things in my mind and I genuinely start to worry that maybe I did do something or didn’t do enough. I second guess myself and even feel guilt.

You’re right, he doesn’t address why. He either was or is self medicating with drugs to numb himself or as an escape. He has seen a psychologist on and off for years, I have asked him to make appointments but he always has an excuse. 

He has said himself that his default is to self medicate with drugs, I believe if I hadn’t found the drugs last year he would have continued to use or would at least be using now to numb himself. To suddenly start treating me with such hatred, it feels like he resents me for finding out this secret and because I hold him accountable, shutting me out and discarding me is easier.

Whatever the reason is, we all have a choice. 

I have never been around drugs. When I found them, I didn’t ask him to stop. I went to Narcotics anonymous meetings to learn about how to support him. The only thing I told him was, I will not accept drug use long term. If it’s something you have to ween yourself off, in the short-term I understand that.

I think I’ve been supportive and accepting and when he doesn’t like or love himself, I make an effort to remind him how much he is loved. 

Last year, before I found the drugs, he told me on 2 separate occasions that I made him want to go to sleep never to wake up again. That has played on my mind ever since. I don’t think that will ever leave me. That was the reason I went looking, he had been carrying a bag around that I had only seen a couple of times and after he told me he wanted to go to sleep, I found it that afternoon. That was Valentine’s Day 2025. 

My feeling of wanting to care for him and protect him, maybe even keeping him from hurting himself is what I think has kept me attached.

I think to myself, how could I leave someone who is struggling. I wouldn’t want someone to that to me.

Why would I persevere with someone who doesn’t know if they love me. It’s a cop out and unfortunately, he is damaging me.

I don’t want to lose myself or my kind nature. That’s one of my biggest fears. 

I don’t like verbalising this, but I don’t think he will or ever had any intention of hurting himself. I think he told me that to intentionally hurt me. I remember how distraught I was last year and images would pop into my mind. Those images still do. 

I didn’t think that he had it in him, nor that I would allow anyone to treat me like this but it feels like it’s been mostly subtle, with a few extremes.

The more I reflect and write, the more it feels like this is abusive.

Thank you for your kind words.

Just like it is his responsibility to speak to someone and do the work, it’s my responsibility to make a decision whether this is the type of partner I actually want. 

❤️

[therising]

Hi Headintheclouds

If only we could get into our partner's head, the decision to end a relationship or not could be so much easier. We'd know exactly why they think the way they do, feel the way they do, behave the way they do and so on. Instead we can be left with so much self doubt at times, wondering whether we're making the right decision. 

Someone whose head we can get into is ours, our own. While it can still be hard to make sense of everything that's going on in there, especially that which relates to emotions, I think key questions can help unlock quite a bit, questions like

• Can I continue suffering like this?
• In what ways am I suffering?
• What solid appointments do I need to give to people, which can help determine my way ahead?

With that last one, if I appoint my husband the role of 'He who will sit and wonder with me on a mental and emotional level (in regard to why I'm suffering)', I can guarantee you that I will feel him dis-appointing himself from that role time and time again. It's more so in his nature to not want to feel my suffering because it upsets him and he doesn't like the feeling of emotional upset. I appoint him far more realistic roles these days, ones he can manage. My 23yo daughter, on the other hand, is a real feeler or sensitive and sees it as a challenge to try and get a feel for or sense of what my suffering's about. She'll wonder and feel with me until she's worked it out. At the end of the day, the question becomes (in any relationship) 'Can this person manage the appointments or appointed roles I need them to manage or they are able to manage?'. Something else to consider involves whether some of the dis-appointments we're feeling are just flat out repetitive deal breakers keeping us in the same cycle until we break the deal.

What roles are you going to appoint your partner and will he accept them? ❤️

[Headintheclouds]

Hi therising,

I confirmed during the early hours of Saturday morning that he is using again. I told him I wished he came to me and asked him why he didn’t try to come to me for support first. He hold me that I was part of the reason why he used again. I put it in his head. Etc etc.

I left and went home, the next day I text him to tell him I was here for him if he needed me but I have had a change of heart. 

This is not the life I want for myself. I deserve much better. 

I appreciate you replying again ❤️

[audiology]

Hi Headintheclouds! Initially I would like to reciprocate all that has been said by more senior members of the community that have already replied to you - and congratulate you on the courage it clearly takes to make such a vulnerable post. There isn't much else I can add that hasn't already been said, but I did want to address the elephant in the room that nobody else has yet - that being that, by my interpretation of what you said - you were also essentially sexually assaulted Saturday night as well. I feel like this is a major issue that needs to be addressed as well and should play a major factor in deciding how you move forward with or without this relationship. Also I would like to apologise in advance if I have misread what you have said in regards to this as well - and offer you to correct me if I am wrong in my interpretation of your words? 

[therising]

Such an incredibly tough time for you in so many ways. My heart goes out to you so much as you seek a life of greater ease and self love.❤️

[Doors24]

Dear Headintheclouds,

After reading your post, I am sorry you are experiencing this.

In all honesty,it sounds as if your partner is dealing with an addiction problem. And that has spread it’s tentacles,for a better word, into other factors of their life, including your relationship.

Addiction is a disease and left untreated can spiral into dark places. But the person with the addiction has to want to change their lifestyle. And it isn’t an easy thing to tackle.

But your well being is also just as important. You can have ambivalent feelings towards a person. Love them, but need to leave because it is destructive and scary towards you. There can be strong feelings of guilt, especially if they are telling you that they love you too. And worry for his children if you leave. But some things are not okay. And your life and it’s well being and emotional tolerance are very important.

You have also tried alot of things to help with no end. I read your last reply. I am glad you made a choice for yourself. Even if it was difficult. Difficult choices are always the hardest. And probably still is now.

Stay strong and healthy,

Doors24