Dying inside.

[Dee70]

Hi I’m Dee, I can’t actually pinpoint 1 thing that makes me feel like a failure, maybe my parents drunken fights I witnessed growing up, or the stranger that tried touching me as a child, or mum leaving when I was 11 leaving us 3 with our cruel physically abusive dad which I bore the brunt of, or maybe my first serious relationship which was seven yrs of cheating and bashing’s, on his part, or waking up one morning to find my baby boy red eyed and distressed from his dad hurting him, resulting in my son being taken into care, I didn’t hurt him, I never imagined his dad would be, or the last 11 yrs with a narcissist who controlled every aspect of my life, that I finally left 8mths ago, only now I have no confidence, and hate myself and, I’m broken and need help.

[geoff]

Hello Dee70, I welcome you with a warm heart and I'm just so sorry for all the hardship you have been through, no one should ever have to suffer from any of this at no stage in their life.

I can't explain how distressed I feel for you because all of this would sap out any kind of self-worth or confidence and make you feel as though there isn't anybody who loves you.

None of this is your fault and please never think it is because all your life it has gone from bad to worse to unbelievably impossible.

You have been so brave to leave this horrible controlling situation but now we need to help you.

Most of your life other people made decisions, condemned anything you said but now being alone it's where we have to support you in every way so that a decision can be made by yourself.

Remember your short-term emotions get in the way of decisions, and that may confuse your judgment.

When you make a choice and decide on doing something, there will be many questions coming from all directions, trying to force you to change, and let's say there are 3 choices of what to do, one moment you choose option 1, but because you don't feel confident, you go with option 2, then option 3 so you are now totally mixed up, so put the 3 options down on some paper and then go through the fro's and con's of each one of them, once that decision is made, it's made, that's it no more discussion.

Going to see your doctor will definitely help and a referral to see a psychologist on a 'mental health plan' which entitles you to 10 free sessions per year.

Are you living somewhere safe, far away from those who have damaged your previous life, and a couple of new friends.

Take care of yourself and hope to hear from you..

Geoff.

[Croix]

Dear Dee~

There are too many harsh places in the world and too many people who destroy. At least here you have found a place where people are unlike that. We care, and thanks to bad experiences of our own understand a lot. We help others and in the process help ourselves.

So you are very welcome here, and will be for as long as you like.

Your story is so heartrending and you sound in so much pain. Living with controlling utterly selfish people who abuse leaves a deep and lasting impression. It moulds the mind into believing things that are not true. I don't know why, but it does. You are never worthless, you have made a huge step.

Leaving someone who controlled you after so long is something many simply never find the courage to do, they remain beaten down. To set things out as you have here is marvelous, I guess it is part of you controlling your life.

These are just words, but are given with care. We are very glad you came and will be here for you whenever you like.

Croix

[PamelaR]

Hi Dee

My heart goes out to you. It's so difficult to know what to say in these circumstancs. Croix and Geoff have given you their kindness, understanding and caring. You are so right to have escaped the life you had. Everything will seem so upside down for you.

You are an exceptionally strong person, you have survived and are able to tell your story. That is such an amazing feat. And I do hate to tell you, there is going to be a bit more pain while you grapple with your life. It takes time and strength to recover. But heal you will!! You'll come out of it even stronger and wiser.

I'd really like to reach out my hand to you to help you through your journey. I have been on a similar journey, but nothing like your life. I have PTSD from childhood rape, Complex PTSD from an emotional, physical and mental abuse in family life, an abusive first marriage, several years of heavy drinking, then calm.

For over the past 30 years I've lived life with the most wonderful person - kind, caring, sharing, loving. He taught me a lot about life and the environment. He has put up with my angry outbursts, my apologies, my OCD and helped me to settle me so I could recover and heal from my early life.

Along with my partners help, I have also worked with my doctors and psychologists to get me through the worst of my recollections. To allow the pain and dark emotions to drain from my body, mind and soul. Such difficult work, but it is so worth it. You'll read many stories in the forums from people who find this hard and want to cease the healing process. But you know, as you read their stories, they work through it and come out the other side.

There are times when you take 1 step forward and 5 steps back. I always likened what was happening to me during this time - putting dirty clothes in the washing machines, getting agitated, then hanging out the nice clean clothes. Then along comes a trigger (a setback) and whoosh all the clothes are dirty again and thrown into the washing machine for another agitated wash. This process went on for several years.

I'm healed from the PTSD trauma, but the complex PTSD has been the hardest to overcome. Being raised as a good for nothing, useless, worthless bitch has been intensely difficult to overcome. There's a wonderful thread about Do you Love Yourself. The stories there are so familiar.

I am so sorry you had such an awful life. Please take my hand. I wish you the best energy to help you.

Feel free to write anything.

Pamela

[Ggrand]

Hello Dee,

I would like to also welcome you to the forums..

I' m really sorry about what you have been through.

I lived over 38years with a narccisst husband. after being sexually abused as a teenager for 3vyears..I can relate to a lot of what your saying and would like to try to help you... And i had the same negative feelings about myself as you have...I really would like to talk to you. At the moment im volunteering at the op shop..Ill tag your thread and Be back later.

Warm thoughts.

. Grandy

[startingnew]

Hello Dee and welcome to BB

I think youve been really brave in reaching out for help. Its a really big step and a scary one so big kudos to you.

Im sorry you have been through all of that. I dont have much experience in the DV side of things but one thing i often notice is the victims blame themselves. Please know that its not your fault.

Do you think you would be comfortable in speaking to your Gp about getting some extra supports for yourself?

there is a site i think might help you its called 1800RSPECT . Have you heard of this one before? They have online counselling and i think they can also reffer you to some local support services too. Its all free and you can be anonymous if you would like.

Again id like to welcome you and to let you know im walking along with you along with the wonderful people here too. Your not alone ❤

[Doolhof]

Hi Dee70,

Sorry to read life has been so horrid and tough for you. Hope you are in a safe place now and also hope that you have managed to find some support for yourself, or can chat to a Dr about how you can find assistance.

Depending on where you are living, there may be a community house, a Church group, a council run group that you could connect with to help you be around different people.

Learning to be the person you desire to be on the inside is something you can work on day by day. It takes guts to move out of a toxic environment and learn to do things for yourself.

Try to find something each day to be thankful for and find ways to let go of the massive amount of pain, hurt, grief, confusion and possible hatred that you have within you. Holding onto regrets and hurts can be soul destroying.

I find writing down the positives helps as does writing down the negatives and hurts.

Taking one day at a time and not worrying about tomorrow might help if you can do that.

Kind regards to you, from Dools

One more thing Dee70, I see that you have received a few responses here. Depending on you, it is not necessary to answer everyone individually. You tackle this communication how ever you need to and want to!

Cheers!

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Dee,

I’m glad you have received so many caring welcomes and supportive replies. I hope it’s okay if I extend another gentle welcome to you here especially when I’m thinking maybe it wasn’t easy for you to open up but I’m glad you did...

You sound so exhausted, emotionally shaken and down on yourself. I feel there have clearly been many years of hurt, betrayal, abandonment and loss that have gradually eroded your personal identity and self esteem. So many people have wounded your spirit...I feel the depth of your pain in your words...

How courageous you were (and are) to have left this man 8 months ago. It must have been one of the hardest things you’ve ever done. He was clearly very cruel and hurt a lot of people around him...

I hope you don’t mind if I say that I feel perhaps now is the time to try to rediscover and reconnect with “you”...I realise this won’t be easy of course but you might find it helpful to speak to a health professional about perhaps coming up with a wellness plan to help you reclaim your identity and life back. For example, this could include ongoing counselling plus participating in activities that your ex disapproved of, creating a daily self care routine of healthy eating and exercise (as the physical self is often neglected in abusive relationships), etc, etc.

I feel this is an enormous readjustment period for you as you figure out who you are without this controlling man. It’s a frightening and confusing time. So perhaps the most important thing is to try to take it day by day, try not to put too much pressure on yourself and whenever possible, acknowledge every small step you make (no matter how small it might feel) along the way.

As PamelaR said, “please feel free to write anything.” There are many caring people here who would like to support you...

Gentle and kind thoughts,

Pepper