Domestic violence & Male survivors

[Ploughman]

Hi All, here's my story. Three years ago I was attacked by my wife. It wasn't the first time I was abused by her, but it was certainly the most violent. I stayed in the 9 year marriage because very early in we had a daughter and I stayed because of her. I was diagnosed with PTSD. I finished with therapy in February because we came to the decision that I have got the tools to cope and I was doing OK. Some days I am OK, but some days I'm not. I cope ugly. I just wish that when people talk about DV, even experts, they could mention Male survivors. I feel that I don't have a voice and because domestic violence comes up in the media often it cuts deep into me. No one talks about male survivors, I feel like I am treated as nothing. Over the years I never hit my wife, but she hit me. Funnily enough it was my Psychologist who told me I was a survivor of DV, I thought it was something that men did to women. I just wish that people would speak the truth about it. Thank you for reading my post.

[james1]

Hello Ploughman

Welcome to the forums. I'm really sorry to hear about the DV you experience at home, and thank you for speaking up about your experience as a male survivor. You most certainly have a voice here, and I hope you also can find your voice out in the rest of your life as well.

It is good to hear that you were able to get therapy and it sounds like that's been of some help, but you still have some bad days. Please feel free to talk to us here, if that is something you feel comfortable to do. It sounds like there's a lot more in your story, and I'd love to hear it if that is what you feel would be most helpful to you.

James

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ploughman, 

We are really sorry tp hear that you have had this experience and that you are still managing it and how it has impacted you. Domestic Violence does happen to men and they can certainly be victims. We want to thank you for being brave and for reaching out on the forums for support, you never know if someone will read this and feel less alone in their own situation. 

If you are feeling distressed please know that you can call us on 1300 22 4636 anytime to talk to someone about how you are feeling. The team are wonderful at providing immediate support as well as helping find the next stage in the journey towards feeling better. 

Thankyou again for reaching out and please feel free to come back and update us if you feel comfortable. 

Kind regards, 
Sophie M

[Ploughman]

Thank you James 1, the thing is for 9 years I put up with her smashing plates,or, throwing things at me and not talking to me sometimes for weeks when I did something she didn't agree with. The last night she physically attacked my daughter. She started smashing all the plates as usually happened, but then she attacked me as well. At the magistrates court she said she had thrown one plate at me and it somehow broke up mid flight and caused the cuts. I won the case, but she received 187 hours of community work. I don't know why she got off so lightly. 3 and a half years on, I still have panic attacks. I look after my daughter for 5 days a week and her mother has her for 2. She has gone to the family dispute resolution service wanting more time. But she still sticks to only throwing one plate and not to attacking me. I have a lawyer but I still feel powerless, I am scared that I am going to lose my daughter. I don't know why I have to mediate with someone who has never admitted what she did, but who for 9 years told me how weak I was. My daughter is now 12, it is hard being a father with PTSD. I don't know what she thinks of me. It is so difficult to explain things to her. Her mother texts me telling me I need to look after her better. I want to do what is best for my daughter. I just get scared about the future.

[Guest_1643]

hi ploughman, i hear u , that does sound like she got off lightly

i don't think we talk about DV enough generally, for men or women.
a lot of women also don't think they're victims til much later in life, because even though they are women, they think that DV looks a certain way (eg an angry, screaming person).
Actually, a lot of abusers are quite nice at times and definitely in public. They change faces.

Abuse is super complex, sadly. I'm sure u are doing a great job raisng ur daughter, just the fact that u are conscious of how your PTSD affects her is enormous.
It shows you care and want to expose her to healthy things. It is awful that u went through such physical and mental abuse from ur wife and then had to go through the courts. My heart goes out to you.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Ploughman,

Thank you for reaching out to these forums. I'm really glad that you did and you chose to share your story.

Men in DV is something that I think of constantly. As women are more likely to be the 'victims', the attention and the media focuses on them, which creates a bit of a stigma and ignorance that it doesn't happen to men too.

I feel like sharing your story is even more important, because hopefully more people will read it (even if they don't reply) and start to believe that they aren't alone in their experience.

It sounds like you're still struggling quite a bit; throwing plates is still violence and understanding how what you've both gone through impacts your daughter- given that your psychologist was really helpful, do you think it's worth going back?

rt

[Ploughman]

Thank you for this. There is more that occurred but I need to respect the community rules. The really hurting and ongoing problem that I have is the disempowering that goes on. I am sure that this is a problem for women as well and I am in no way implying anything in regard to the terrible things that happen to women at the hands of disgusting men in regard to DV. It's just that I have written to local members of both state and federal Parliaments, I have written to media organizations including the ABC and SBS and never received a reply. The ironic thing is that I was being wheeled out to the ambulance and my wife was being handcuffed by Police on the front porch. The final thing she said to me was "look what you made me do." I couldn't watch the recent SBS series but I wonder if male survivors got a mention. Two years ago I attended a March against DV and identified with what the key speaker was saying to the point where I broke down and cried. I was helped by members of a women's group and I feel very grateful to them for doing that. But what I realised is that there is no difference between survivors. Male survivors have important information that can contribute to the discussion and it hurts that we are not given a voice. What happened on that night to both my daughter and myself was a terrible thing. Psychologists tell me that she is OK. I just feel that my PTSD would be easier if there was some acknowledgement. I am really grateful to Beyond Blue and this forum. In allowing me to speak it has been cathartic.

[Guest_1643]

i appreciated your reply ploughman

as a woman i relate in many ways. "Look what you made me do" is such a common phrase. So disturbing and sad. I understand the trying to respect the community rules - we don't want to trigger each other but what happens also on the plus side is if we can find healthy ways to talk abot this stuff we find kindred spirits here - others who get us and believe us.
I was very inspired by what Grace Tame said about survivors having power together... and how secrecy is only to be benfit abusers.

Ur right there should be open conversation for male survivors too. I agree with that.

[Guest_1643]

i agree with all u said

there's no difference in survivors. when i watch or here a story from a survivor who went through something very different from me, or is a different gender or age etc i often find myself right there relating on such an epic level to what they have been through. the feelings are so similar. I haven't spoken to many survivors in real life, there is still so much secrecy and aloneness in the experience. for those who do speak up they help us all.

I was so moved and upset by Grace Tame's amazing speech early March about her experience of CSA and have gained strength from hearing ppl speak. Im glad the women's spaces helped you.
There are some amazing women's services... I also read about the concept of the "shark cage" and can see it's mostly about and defined by "protecting girls and women."
I guess that should read "victims"

i am upset that you feel excluded from the convesation and am grateful to be part of ur sharing here, which i'm happy to read u find cathartic. sending support and care

[james1]

Hi Ploughman,

I'm so sad to hear about the abuse and violence you've had to deal with, and now live with the PTSD effects. It sounds really disempowering and terrifying. I am glad to hear that the psychologists say your daughter is okay, and I hope you can take some relief from that. It sounds like you've worked really hard to try and protect her.

We are really grateful for you coming here and sharing your story. As you've said, there's no difference between survivors of DV regardless of gender, but it's certainly less common to hear the voice of male survivors, so I also wanted to say thank you for speaking out.

We are certainly here for you if you'd like to speak more.

James